The End or just the Beginning? Part 2

[Gone Dancin']

I think that SHE should be grateful that she's on YOUR list.

[Atlas]

GD,

Haha! Nice way to put it. I appreciate that. You always have the right view. Thanks for checking in.

Well friends and I started the night early. Everyone knew that I was expecting to meet up with W later on. Well after about 2 hours off work, no call, no text. So I let it roll off my back. Well in typical W fashion, she is always late, always forgets, and hardly thinks of others. Not just me. I get a text, "Aren't you coming, we are waiting and playing plado."

So I head down. Played with S most of the time. Swords, transformers, all kinds of good stuff. Suddenly I'm served a cup of tea. I was really grateful and nice about it. S wanted me to put him to bed, which I did. When I came out she had arranged the couch so that I would have sit next to her. So we sat and watched some tv. All we ever do is watch tv. So I suggested playing a card game or doing something else, of course right then one of her all time great movies comes on. So TV it is.

We sit in silence for a while, then she asks if I'm hungry and I say I'll eat if you are. She made us bagels, thankful again. This time upon returning to the couch she clamed up and moved away as far as she could. I could feel she was tense.

She slide her feet under me, her typical give me a foot rub sign. I just left them were they where. After a few minutes she pulled them back. I didn't say anything about the R or D, and we haven't really said much about either in a while. Sort of at a stand still.

Somehow while I was doing some validating earlier in the night she got on future talk and mentioned that she was pissed she couldn't even afford a townhouse, and that I can barely afford "our" house. Guess I'm a paycheck. Haha! Whats really gonna piss her off is that since she is on "our" mortgage no one will give her a loan whatsoever. Unless it's predatory or something.

Well after seeing she was uncomfortable I decedided the best move would be to end the night early and call it good. Said I had to go, she said good because she didn't want to keep me from going out. Told her I don't bar hop any more and just left it at that. She doesn't know that I'm not drinking and I'm not going to tell her. She will figure it out. I just said I don't bar hop and I was going home to do some work and go to bed.

She then asked if she could come by tomorrow and use the computer and hang out. Said sure. She then asked if I wanted to go to a place with her and S tomorrow morning and I declined. Don't want to push to much, plus I need to good reflection time.

Not really sure if I'm seeing anything good or bad. I also feel that the OM judgment earlier is off, but I really think she is seeing others, which doesn't make me happy. But I'm having fun with new friends and if it goes south, I'll be fine now.

[dh4320]

Atlas,

I think you are doing things the right way, your W confuses me a bit. Well they all do but she seems to ride the fence a lot and cant make a decision one way or the other. Sometimes even reading other posts or threads where people are further a long or behind i feel i am in a good place in my sitch. NO progress with R or M but progress with me. I feel you have also made great progress with you but then again how long are any of us going to put up with the piecing game. If my sitch ever fets to that point I dont know how i will handle it, but i will look to your thread for guidance in that department.

[Atlas]

dh,

You know I know we call it fence sitting on the site, and that is what she is doing. But I can say for sure, that without work on herself she is still so resentful, so I wouldn't so much all it fence sitting as continuing to try and hurt me.

I'm just going to stick with my plan of a 30 day assessment. I have way too much on my plate that deals with me, to worry what she is thinking and doing.

Well she never called about today, and I'm not going to bother with it. She isn't doing anything to improve her self or life. I think she is content in her situation. Matter of fact looking back I can't recall W not relying upon a man since I meet her over a decade ago. Which fits with her abandonment issue. She has to find someone to carry her so they can leave her eventually and she can keep the same pattern going.

I'm not going to be that person anymore. No tunnel and see what happens. She needs to find responsibility on her own. If not just as all the R books state she will carry her problems into the next R and so forth, never resolving anything.

That is what is great about DB'ing, it is for you. It is about you, and it helps you to resolve your internal R issues so that you can have and receive what you want out of life.

If your S is unwilling to change, or confused to the point of seeing a problem with themselves, then that is there issue.

[Atlas]

I just had to write to write.

So W was supposed to come by today to do some work on the computer. I was so excited, high expectations and all. Well of course she didn't show, and you know what it didn't bother me.

I have finally hit a place where I realize I need to work on me, that is what the 30 days is about. I have no clue what I will find out about myself in that 30 days. But I'm peeling back the layers and asking some tough questions. Whatever my results are only God knows.

Less importatly, I realize that W is W, and only W can work on her or do her work. I can't help her, I can't be there for her, and I won't. She has to deal with her own demons and problems.

Life is so good now, I'm building a network of friends. I'm GAL, I'm reestablishing R's that have been dead for a while. My work is coming along great. My boss feels comfortable enough that he is taking a 2 week long golf trip and has left the office to me. My spirtuality grows daily, I'm reading and praying and enjoying all of it. I'm watching what I eat and I'm exercising again. I'm working on the house, I have fixed my car. It's nice to get order and take responsibility.

I have realized that my life is my life. My happiness is mine and no one elses. Smiles and cries, you can't take that away from me.

I think my next real focus are some of my hobbies that I have neglected.

[dh4320]

Atlas,

I just read your last 2 posts, are you talking about your W or mine.... anyway you are write db is about you working on you, you cant fix the problem with the R but you can work to fix anything within yourself. I foresee the same thingsin your W that i do in mine, the unwillingness to respond to the fact that they also need work. The fact that as long as you can work on yourself if they dont work on them then the R is not going to be repairable.... that is the question i have had on my mind since i started this i can make myself more desirable to the W but if she has some serious problems its a boomerang it will keep coming back..

[Puddle]

Hey Atlas,

I like what you're saying about focusing on yourself, taking this time to really get your head together and figure out what you want, and especially the part about not having any idea what you're going to learn about yourself along the way. Sounds like you're really open, and that's excellent.

I'm getting some ambivalence from you re W, though. I was surprised to read this:

I was so excited, high expectations and all.

I hadn't got that sense from you when you posted about her asking to come over. I know you were pleased as you guys hadn't hung out much lately, but didn't realize you had high expectations.

I was really glad to read this, though:

Well of course she didn't show, and you know what it didn't bother me.

So maybe your expectations weren't really that high, or you were just able to recover very quickly. Either way, a good thing.

And re your S talking about OM: That had to suck. Nothing like hearing your child sing the praises (or just mention) someone else. Did you stop and think about the 48-hour rule there? Your W is so skittish that her reaction to your text didn't surprise me, so I know it didn't surprise you.

I think it was a great idea to decline the offer to hang out with her and S, and to line up plans with friends on the assumption that W is going to flake on you.

GD's right: She's lucky to be on your list. Keep up the excellent PMA and focus on yourself. You're doing great.

Take care.

[Atlas]

It's not that my expectations are high I guess, it's that I really enjoy hanging out with her, when we do. But I have come to realize WAY more likely then not she will flake.

What is funny, is I'm sorta glad I didn't follow the 48 that day. Reason being is I got a lot of info this way. S is talking about OM, which she swears he has never meet, so I must be coaching. She asked why I would ask such a question, as in I didn't have a right to ask. Lastly, she didn't say as she has in the last month, he is out of the picture and I'm being totally honest, she just didn't deny, just aghaust that I would ask.

So result, OM is back. Funny, since he's a troll. Good luck to the two of em. See what happens this time.

[Atlas]

OMG,

She can't even tell me the truth when doesn't matter any more. I just called, AGAIN, for son's SSN, so I can get the health insurance. She took all the records from the house.

Well she says, I'm looking through my records right now, then she says well actually we are at the bank can I call you back when I get it. What is it, your at the bank or at home looking through your records. She is a liar, plane and simple.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hey Atlas,

I admire your patience and resolve to stick with your plan. Sorry to hear that OM is back. However, you pretty much knew that someone had to come in sooner than later, as that is your W's way of things.

It has to be some cosmic joke that your W is a C. From your account, she is actually good at it! I gues it is analogous to hiring a burglar to provide home security consulting.

Hang in there, my friend. Good luck with the 30 days and focus on your and the children. Your W is spinning like a top, so don't get sucked in by the excess gravitational pull.

Best,
--Chris