Hello everyone...I have posted here in the past and have a question that I really would like to have your opinions on: What would be your opinion if my separated wife did not contact me for Christmas? We have not talked in a month and I have been applying the LRT of which I have stuck to. In short, the problems we have been having have been the common ones that you read on the boards- (no physical abuse or infidelity, at least on my part- not sure about her) and that I posted a couple of months ago. I KNOW that I will be very resentful if she does not contact me on the 24th or 25th and will most likely affect my decisions about the marriage. I really could use the input here everybody. Thanks for any help.
How long have you been separated? If it's recent, don't let this holiday effect how you proceed. Remember that WAS are often so angry, and so hurt that they do really hurtful things, like not call on Christmas. How was she last time she talked to you? Still angry, cooling off a little, blaming you for everything? Would it hurt or hurt for you to call just that day to say Merry Christmas? No more, no less than that. She might be looking for an open door...
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Hi ms ladybug and thank you for the response. We have been living apart since February, and since then, its been on again, off again. We have not talked since November 21 and I have not tried to contact her since that day. Her last message was that we both have issues that we need to work on separately and that maybe we will find each other down the line again. No divorce talk at this point: All quiet right now.
Does she know you have an open door for talk and that when she's ready you are willing to listen? I had been doing LRT too and nothing was changing. I think he thought I didn't care. Then I made it clear what I was doing, purposely giving him space. And I let him know he has the ball in his court, the door is open. Now he is initiating talk. Wow. So, I say, if what you're doing doesn't seem to be changing anything, I don't see where it would hurt to come out of the isolated box a little and show her you care. Not pursuing, just let her know you care, like a friend. You could send a card or call to say Merry Christmas.
Me 41 H 47 D9 S3 M 16 yrs WAH Sep 07 PA Aug 07 12/07 Admitted A 1/08 C 1/15 H needs me 5/7/08 came home 7/08 We moved to MD 10/08 M bad again 11/24/08 fled to GA(OW),filed D 12/8/08 Back in MD 12/23/08 I countered 12/29/08 path back?
Hi Jen1967, and I believe she knows that there is still an open door. In one of my last messages after the last fight I basically told her that she can do what she wants and I'm not going to interfere with how she wants to live her life although she also knows that we would both have to make changes. She knows what my complaints are and I know what hers are. I did not get a response to that message and that was the last contact that I've made with her. Went dark after that
Ok so let's look at this from a DBing standpoint. Right now you have no contact with her and she's not contacted you. So clearly space is something she wants yet it's not yet created an outward change with her. So sending a simple and cheerful Merry Christmas message is a bit of a 180 on the current situation. Once you send the message start the monitor phase. Just remember go into it expecting nothing that way is there is any positive reply no matter how small it'll be a positive for you. Bottom line is you won't know how she'll re-act until you act.
So now the question is how do you send the message? A text message, email or voicemail would be non-threatening for her.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Thanks catfan.....This does sound like pretty decent advice and is appreciated. Though I am going through a rough time, pride on one hand tells me to let her make the first contact. On the flip side, I have read enough of the material to realize that this is not a game either to see who can hold out the longest. I have almost broken contact and had to tackle myself to stop. Admittedly, the holidays are screwing with my head otherwise this would be a no-brainer. Also, its just been a month since there has been NC, and I'm not sure about the ground rules about how long that you should go dark. Is a month too long or not enough? Please keep the opinions coming everyone..I could use ALL of the input that I can get. Thanks again for the replies.
I'm sorry she didn't respond to that last message. That's hurtful. But she won't see your changes if there's absolutely NC. I think it's good to do something a little different, it can't hurt if it's a small thing. I've been trying to use the give and you shall receive idea, because I have the same issue with wondering who should break silences, etc. I guess maybe you could be the first to break silence and see how it goes. I don't think the idea is no contact, it's just brief, happy, light and undemanding contact. Keep the subject neutral. I'm sure you know all this. What I'm trying to say is it seems like a good time to do it, a holiday is a good excuse.
Personally I think either email or phone, but that's just me.
I wish you good luck.
Me 41 H 47 D9 S3 M 16 yrs WAH Sep 07 PA Aug 07 12/07 Admitted A 1/08 C 1/15 H needs me 5/7/08 came home 7/08 We moved to MD 10/08 M bad again 11/24/08 fled to GA(OW),filed D 12/8/08 Back in MD 12/23/08 I countered 12/29/08 path back?
Ok, I will send her an e-card. Hmmmm. Actually, if I get a less than desirable response I can always tell a white lie and say that she is still on my list of contacts and that I sent the cards out simultaneously. Geeeez. I'm freaked out about doing something as trivial as this. This separation stuff can sure do a number on your nerves. I think if the government drafted me to go to the Middle East next week, I would consider that a vacation!!!! The idea does seem to make sense in an otherwise insane situation. Well, on the bright side, if the response is not good, then I don't have to worry about what to do next. LOL! Oh man, this is like something out of a horror movie.
Right now I'm wondering whether my WAH will ignore me on Christmas too. We've been separated for 6 weeks and only one week till Christmas......jeez, I'm sad.
