Help! Need your advice re: Christmas

[Firekeeper]

sit: since may 07 when he declared that he is separated, h is pursuing his relationship with ow (sex, thinking about marring her, etc.). he lives mostly out of the house (my request) or travels for business. altho most of his staff is in the house so when he is in town he comes in often. our finances has not been separated, it is the only thing that has not been change much - i have access to finances if i need smth for myself or for kids. he earns most of the money. he has not pursued legal separation due to kids request, immigration issues (we are applying for citizenship - "not to complicate the papers" as he said).

i've been db-ing (psychotherapy, meds, sports, lost weight, established new interests, friends, etc.) - but depression especially recently is taking the best of me. I am out of the deep of the last one now.

need help to decide: when in spring07 kids were told about separation they asked for holidays to be a family event - for us to be as before together. i managed to make a thanksgiving to be perfect - good time, smiles, good food. it helped that we had my stepson with us and kids brought their boyfriend/girlfriend. but for Christmas it would be only 4 of us - me, h, ds21, dd20 - and emotionally i am not strong. my fear is that i would be either hostile or depressed/crying all the time. well, if i gather all my strengths, i think i can fake being ok, but it would be very hard

i am planning to take kids to nyc for the weekend before and have fun with them there. btw - if you have any ideas about fun things in nyc please tell me - i want to make this trip very special.

however at this point i am entertaining the idea not to be at the house for Christmas. i am dreading to be for long with h especially at that time. actually i do not want even to decorate the house. i have some gifts for kids but may be i would give them during our trip to nyc? our relationship to this holiday is more like a celebration than religious.

i think my husband expects me to do everything as it usually was for holidays, but for me it is a lie. may be i also want for them to find out what they be missing if i am not there - but what if they would not miss me? i taught kids well how to decorate and cook and be kind - so they might just have good time with their father

what do i do as a parent - what lesson - behave as if everything is ok, not respect my feelings, but for kids to have their request for holidays together? or leave my home to spare myself from the pain

what are your thoughts, suggestions, musings, impression from what you read, your personal decisions - please share it is very important to me

[mandyloo]

don't know if this will be any help to you, the first xmas my ex was away I told him he had to make the effort to see his only son on christmas morning as he was only 10 at the time, I do read your children are grown up and I think they will enjoy christmas as they wish, my ex managed to drag himself away from the then ow for a whole 30 mins to see his son. Last year he managed an hour, but bearing in mind he hadn't spoke or seen son for over three months, this year we don't expect to hear from him at all, he married ow and he hasn't seen or spoke to son since end of march this year so doubt very much whether he will be in contact with him just for the sake of 3o mins. they have done what they have done and I don't think that if I had walked away and didn't contact my child that I could walk in and play happy families and in the back of my mind know that in an hour or so I will be back with my new love of my life, the one I chose over my child. I think you should just go ahead and enjoy yourself and do what you wish, I definately wouldn't do anything that included ex, after 2 years of allowing him to come spend christmas morning with his son I can honestly say it wasn't worth the bother of putting ourselves out. Last year there was a great thread that came up telling us all to be aware of how the mlc'ers can pretend to be nice and caring about this time of year and then it is straight back into the mlc and forget about their old lives and kids. sorry for babbling but what I meant to say is do what suits you best.

[peacetoday]

F
Hi
sorry for your pain
definitely a hard choice
I understand the depression and have felt it as well
Ive had to learn to override it and practice pma
so with H, I started being moe upbeat
it felt good and I got better
now I am doing it for me
I am going away for christmas with kids
I did that purposely..to avoid H
so If you cant get away
act as if
practice being upbeat
its good for the kids to see mom getting stronger
Your H will be attracted to it as well
not to say we dont feel our grief in private , cry when we need to or seek IC to cope
but the rest of the time we practice
and we get better at it
try to treat christmas as any day
i know this is difficult
good luck
peace

[Firekeeper]

thank you mandyloo) your "babbling" is helpful. it helps to get unstuck by entertaining different perspectives. my h is involved w/kids and shows his care about them (calls them, sees them, gifts, etc.) it's our marriage/realtionship he doesn't care about.

one of my struggles is to know what suits me best. for so many years i was putting everybody else needs first, then my parents and my h were very critical of me so i doubt myself a lot. my other challenge is to discern if what i want is just for immediate gratification and what consequences are.

[Firekeeper]

peacetoday, thank you) i've been doing it all - pma, as if...it is hard but it seems to be " the best game in town") - h said on several occasions that it would be much easier for him if i would be creaming, crying, going crazy - i do not want to make it easy for him))))))))))))), do i?!)))))))))))
being away, even w/out kids (i'll spend fun time in nyc with them anyway) is looking more and more appealing)

[mandyloo]

Firekeeper, I hear what you are saying and I also have been at this point of thinking. I was with ex over 14 years, I always did what I thought was pleasing him, ie alright I had his child and he wanted me to be a stay at home mum to bring him up, now he throws this at me by telling lawyers SHE DIDN'T WORK SO SHE HASN'T CONTRIBUTED, ie that was his way of saying I wastn' getting anything out of the home or the finances as it was all his and will remain his, he hasn't provided for us or asked about if we're ok for money etc because obviously when I thought I was going out of my way to do nice things for ex, when I had his food on the table when he walked in, when I did all the men chores as well as the women chores, when I stayed in because I didn't have a babysitter, everything, absolutely everything he as thrown back in my face and told me I didn't love him, there wasnt' anything else I could of done for that man, and appreciation was he inherited a boat load of money, has kicked us out of our home, got married to the local whore and his money is quickly running out, have I or our son had any, no none at all and that is appreciation for you. start and think about yourself honey cause if you don't no man will.

[Firekeeper]

mandyloo, it was 22 years for me(((.
i am putting it away but i need to do it - go see a lawyer, well first i need to find a good one. i think it is partly from my denial, even almost after a year in this situation i do not want to believe it((((((
i hear you about appreciation

[Firekeeper]

i came to peace with my decision not to be at home for christmas and today h called and said that "his situation changed" - he stopped his relationship with ow. he asked for me to be home for holiday for children's sake.
my girlfriend said not to do that - not to be readily available.
i am all confused.
what are your thoughts?

[inmyplace]

Firekeeper,

What do you want to do?

IMP

[Firekeeper]

i do not know what i want to do, that's why i am having this conversation
my first thought was to have holiday together
but is it because of my habitual: to step on myself-to forgive-to make everything better?