Starting to get it...

[ann25]

Old Thread....

Guess the old one locked up...

Changed the name cause I think I'm starting to get it.

take care all

[Heimlich]

Shoot, I had a thought from your last one but lost it.

Hang in there.

BD

[ann25]

So last night everything seems good. He's quiet, but nice. I know he's been sick, I figure he's tired. We go do some christmas shopping w/ the girls. We picked up some dinner. Came home and ate as a family. It was nice. I read a book to the girls and put them to bed. He wanted to watch a show on tv so we did. then i got up to clean the kitchen. He comes in to mess w/ me. He was kissing me and stuff. He was messing around so i did to. Then he ran away and i chased him into the bedroom. I'm thinking this is my chance to make up for the last couple nights. I tell him that I think we should just stay in bed. He said "an hour early, oooh okay." We both got up, shut off lights and went to bed.

He's got a thing with the lights being off, so I shut off all the lights in our room and the tv and he rolls over to go to sleep and says good night within a few minutes i hear snoring, so i know he fell asleep. So now I'm confused. I'd prefer that quite honestly, but I know it's been a few days, so I thought that when he said sure we'll go lay in bed an hour early, that he wanted to have sex, not go to sleep. So i'm just laying there thinking, rationalizing it in my head. He's been sick. He's had a hard busy day. He's probably tired and needs to sleep.

I was tired, by now it's been about 30 minutes since we laid down and I'm falling asleep. He wakes up and
H: what are you doing?
M: just thinking. I'm starting to fall asleep
H: what's on you mind? What are you thinking?
M: I just though you wanted to have sex, but you just rolled over and fell asleep. I guess i took more out of you wanting to go to bed early than there really was.
H: Well i did.
M: Then why did you roll away from me and say goodnight?
H: I was just waiting for you to do something.
M: (huh?) I'm sorry, i thought you were just really tired. You fell asleep so i figured you just really needed the rest.
H: it's not like you even want to anyways. If you wanted sex with me, it wouldn't matter if i was sleeping.

he's got a point there. Back before all this started. If he said goodnight, i'd probably crawl up behind him until he turned back towards me or told me he's really tired or doesn't feel like it. it's been a long time since i've done that.

M: Ummm... I'm sorry. I just knew how you had been feeling lately and wanted to give you some rest. Can i ask you something? (maybe i shouldn't have done this, but i wanted to know)
H: yeah, sure...
M: ever since we've been getting closer, you've stopped trying to initiate sex, but you get upset when i don't. Is there a reason that you aren't initiating it anymore?
H: I don't know. I always do it wrong. When i try to hold you and rub your back i just put you to sleep (okay, so he wasn't trying to let me sleep this weekend? maybe? i dunno) and when I just start having sex with you, it hurts/too much too fast. (when i'm not in the mood, like lately, it can be painful if out of nowhere, he just gets on top of me and starts or tries to)
M: I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe if you just start by kissing me, (somewhere in between helping me fall asleep and jumping on top of me) it would be a good place to start. I didn't realize that when you were hugging me and rubbing my back that you were trying anything. I was so tired that i just fell asleep.
H: i know. (he then rolled over) well, goodnight.

he was mad, i could tell by the way he said it, but the baby started crying, so i got up to see what she needed. When i got back to bed, he was out, so i went to sleep. I probably would have done something or at least tried to talk to him, but it was almost 2am and i wake up at 6. i needed to sleep. I just keep thinking that i don't understand what happened. I gave him a big kiss this morning before i left. I don't know if he's mad or upset with me. I'm confused. He seemed ok this morning, but i don't want to keep having talks like this every other night. This is a conversation we've had versions of before, but I was just confused this time because he rolled away from me and fell asleep. Before it was because I did that to him. I don't know. I probably did something, but just can't see where i went wrong. Any advice? Thanks

[Heimlich]

Quick thought for you: It's not always your fault.

If he doesn't understand the basics of female arousal, he needs to read a book or something. Does he get angry if you're not 'ready' when he just gets on top and starts pumping away? Krikey, that's just nuts.

Does he ever get up with the baby in the middle of the night?

BD

[bhopeful]

You did good getting him into the sack, but you didn't have any follow through. Now if I were him I would have taken the hint and reciprocated right away, but it seems he needs more prompting. It seems like he wants you to pursue him. If you would have continued with your attempt at love making then you wouldn't have had the conversation and would have gotten a good nights sleep. You put to much thought into it once you got into bed. He was tired, he was sick, he didn't want to, these are all assumptions on your part and caused you to hold back. It doesn't sound like you have to worry about being shot down by your H, so maybe try being more aggressive in your attempt next time.

Also, it sounds like he needs a book on foreplay...

[ann25]

Heim - I think i've conditioned myself to think i must have done something wrong if things aren't going right. When things were really bad between us I took the blame alot. My mom always did it, so I just thought, that's how it goes. I would justify his behavior. "well, he wouldn't say/do that if i hadn't done something to make him" I have been getting out of that habit, but I find myself getting back there occasionally. Thanks.

I think he gets it, but because i was always ready and willing before everything, now i think he has a hard time understanding why i can't just get back to that. I know it makes him mad, but that's a physical response. i can't just tell myself to be ready anymore than he can.

I mostly get up with the girls. Every once in a while. (maybe 1 out of 25 times) he'll get up, but then they normally want me, so he just comes and gets me anyways.
------------------
bh - I think my biggest problem there is that i'd really prefer not to do anything with him. It takes a big effort for me to try and get things started. So if he's going to roll over and say goodnight and actually fall asleep, i just let him. For me, if i say goodnight and roll over and fall asleep, it's cause i'm tired and want to go to sleep, no games... that's what i want.

It doesn't sound like you have to worry about being shot down by your H, so maybe try being more aggressive in your attempt next time.

This made me think of something. Maybe it's easier to ignore it than get shot down. In my head i know he wouldn't say no now. But before - he would have an excuse to not want to at least 75% of the time. Maybe there is something in me that holds back because its easier than facing that agian. Especially since he hasn't initiated sex with me in almost 2 weeks and that's how it was before.

I dunno... my mind is kinda running away with random thoughts today.

[theotherhalf]

ann,
I don't know your sitch as i just jumped on here and started to read this. I can remember my H and I have almost the exact same conversation more than once. Well over a year or two ago. I suppose now this was the start of this damb MLC thing. If only I would have handle things differently. Seen the signs...but what's done is done and there's no going back.

Good luck with you and your H. I hope that all will go as you hope.

H: what are you doing?
M: just thinking. I'm starting to fall asleep
H: what's on you mind? What are you thinking?
M: I just though you wanted to have sex, but you just rolled over and fell asleep. I guess i took more out of you wanting to go to bed early than there really was.
H: Well i did.
M: Then why did you roll away from me and say goodnight?
H: I was just waiting for you to do something.
M: (huh?) I'm sorry, i thought you were just really tired. You fell asleep so i figured you just really needed the rest.
H: it's not like you even want to anyways. If you wanted sex with me, it wouldn't matter if i was sleeping.

he's got a point there. Back before all this started. If he said goodnight, i'd probably crawl up behind him until he turned back towards me or told me he's really tired or doesn't feel like it. it's been a long time since i've done that.

M: Ummm... I'm sorry. I just knew how you had been feeling lately and wanted to give you some rest. Can i ask you something? (maybe i shouldn't have done this, but i wanted to know)
H: yeah, sure...
M: ever since we've been getting closer, you've stopped trying to initiate sex, but you get upset when i don't. Is there a reason that you aren't initiating it anymore?
H: I don't know. I always do it wrong. When i try to hold you and rub your back i just put you to sleep (okay, so he wasn't trying to let me sleep this weekend? maybe? i dunno) and when I just start having sex with you, it hurts/too much too fast. (when i'm not in the mood, like lately, it can be painful if out of nowhere, he just gets on top of me and starts or tries to)
M: I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe if you just start by kissing me, (somewhere in between helping me fall asleep and jumping on top of me) it would be a good place to start. I didn't realize that when you were hugging me and rubbing my back that you were trying anything. I was so tired that i just fell asleep.
H: i know. (he then rolled over) well, goodnight.

[bhopeful]

I've been keeping up with your thread, so I know that you'd prefer not to do anything. But if you're going to put in an effort, don't just go half way. I know it's hard, but just try following all the way through one time and see how it goes. The results might surprise you. If not, then you know you're not ready yet. Experiment and monitor the results. You experimented with going half way last night and you saw the results. I think that you'll get the same results next time you go half way.

I understand that you may not be ready for it yet. I'm just trying to offer some constructive criticism.

Peace,
B

[ann25]

HI theotherhalf - Thanks for the response. I don't think he's at MLC point. I think this is just more his way of maybe getting back at me.

When he would ask or try to initiate something (right after EA and we started working on things, before i came here) I would say no. I wasn't attracted to him and I didn't want to and I really couldn't stand the thought of doing it. I'm thinking that this is his way of saying... "see, now you want it and i don't, see how that feels" i don't know for sure because he's never terribly clear on the whys, but that's the best i can come up with for now.

He knows i how i feel so for him to expect me to wake him up for sex is just a little hard for to believe right now. I know how it feels to be rejected... I've felt it from him more times than he ever will from me...

[ann25]

bh - i appreciate it. I really do. I didn't know how much of this you'd read. I know i need to follow through if i'm going to do it. I guess i was just thrown by his totally lack of participation. Normally if he wants me, then he'll lay there and wait for me, not just roll over and say goodnight. I'm used to doing alot of the work, especially if i initiated, but it's not normally like that. I appreciate the advice.

doing it halfway again and expecting it to go differently would be the definition of insanity... thanks!

For me, i can understand if its a need of his. That's why i'm willing to put aside how i feel about it and do it because it will make him happy. I was always the one that needed it and never got it (not as much as i wanted ), i don't want him to feel like that, so I'll do as much as i can for him.