My wife dropped the bomb on January 10, 2007, nearly a year ago. For about 3 months I was devastated. Could not eat or sleep. She filed March 30th on S3's birthday and moved out May 15. I have 50/50 custody of my D6 and S3.
I thought it might be useful for some folks to hear about my situation after about a year.
Overall, I am much, much better. I can sleep and eat and am not at all preoccupied with thoughts of my wife or our marriage. I met a woman online 3 months ago and am enjoying the process of starting a new relationship with her. She knows my whole situation. She's divorced herself, with 2 kids. She's lovely and kind.
But I am still sad and confused about what happened. My wife and I had serious problems, but I still don't see how leaving me will solve any of them. As far as I can tell, she is still as unhappy as she's ever been. She's lost a ton of weight, but she's also lost most of our friends from when we were together. I am not privy to any information about her thoughts or feelings or whereabouts. I assume she is with the OM (a "boyfriend" from 4th grade, 34 years ago!), but I have no idea really. A lot of the time she seems angry and sullen. We only talk to discuss kid logistics. I don't see why she's angry at me. All of this is her doing.
My kids are as well as can be expected. Sad and confused at the separation but otherwise happy and normal. I'm grateful for that. Any sorrow they suffer is their mother's fault anyway. I just be the best Dad I can be.
I still have sudden feelings of loss and love and rage toward my wife. I am reminded of the Joni Mitchell lyric from A Case of You: "I hate you some, I hate you some, I love you some. I love you, when I forget about me." I really want her to suffer. I want her to hurt like I hurt and like the kids hurt. Some say that MLC is very painful. As far as I'm concerned, it's not painful enough.
Do I sound angry? Maybe that's because I'm really angry at her for breaking up our family, having an affair, lying, leaving me, etc. I am not obsessed by these feelings, but neither do I deny them. I let them have their say, then I move on.
In the past 9 months, I have enjoyed the greatest achievements of my professional career, a big raise in pay, and I have met a great woman. Every relationship in my life, aside from the one with my wife, is deeper and stronger and more meaningful than when this started.
I have my health, my kids, the love of my parents and brothers, good and loyal friends, meaningful work, a full belly, money in the bank, a beautiful home, a musical career on the side, etc. I have more blessings than any man deserves. I am convinced 99.9% of the people on earth would trade places with me in an instant.
I am not yet divorced. In final stages of financial settlement. My wife, whom I put through med school and residency, who has never worked full time, who has a big inheritance and stands to inherit more, wants half of the marital portion (16 years) of my state pension. She may get it. There is no real equity in these cases. If she does, I pray that it will bring her only sorrow.
Will she ever snap out of it? I sincerely doubt it. She's following in her parents' footsteps. Her Mom divorced once and never remarried (never even recoupled). Her Dad divorced twice. If she did snap out of it would I take her back? Probably not. Even though I love her (or my idea of her) and it's the best thing for my kids. That's the only reason I'd even consider it. I'd love her to come back begging only so I could tell her to go pound sand. I'm reminded of Randy Newman song "I want you to hurt like I do, I want you to hurt like I do, I want you to hurt like I do. Honest I do, honest I do, baby honest I do.
Also, you know what really hurts me? She got the last word in our long running argument of a marriage. That's what really drives me nuts. I'd love to let her know what I think of her, but it'd just screw up the settlement talks. Someday I'll let her know. I wrote it all down in a letter that I did not send, but that was only a partial catharsis.
So, what is the summary report from one year out? Lots of healing. Intensity of the pain is greatly decreased. But I am still badly hurt, prone to moments of deep sadness and regret and confusion and longing, and also rage and spite and scorn and bitterness and resentment. I hope to be free of all that in good time.
The woman I am with is a blessing. I pray I do not hurt her. Thanks to all those who helped me last year. I don't mean to be a downer, but I think an honest report is the most useful contribution I have to offer.
-StrugglingHusband
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I wanted to add that my situation is not really a failure of divorce busting techniques, because I never applied them very diligently. I did get a life, and I did detach, but I was never able to act as if all was well. Nor was I able to make each interaction with my wife a pleasant one. I'm just not that good at pretending, lying and hiding how I feel.
So fear not, maybe Divorce Busting will work for you.
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
I found you Thanks for posting on my "mess" thread. It's nice to know there's someone one here that understands the addictive behavior and the crap that I'm going through right now. I can honestly say I've started "fighting" hard to fight back to who I know I really am. A very strong person who let those pain meds bring me down. Today, though, I'm still just taking it day by day, moment by moment. I hate the feeling of not know what to expect from myself emotionally or physically when I wake up in the a.m. Sorry, don't mean to hijack. Like I said, it's just nice to hear that I'm not the only *one* around here.
I'm not sure you will be able to completely even "start" to heal until the D is final.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thanks for posting on my "mess" thread. It's nice to know there's someone one here that understands the addictive behavior and the crap that I'm going through right now. I can honestly say I've started "fighting" hard to fight back to who I know I really am. A very strong person who let those pain meds bring me down. Today, though, I'm still just taking it day by day, moment by moment. I hate the feeling of not know what to expect from myself emotionally or physically when I wake up in the a.m. Sorry, don't mean to hijack. Like I said, it's just nice to hear that I'm not the only *one* around here.