So I too have locked up at the appropriate time since I have been allowed to "move" back home. We are not officially seperated, however, I think that I will continue to post in this area until I am certain that we are going to work on this M.
So, we had a pretty good weekend, however, there was one fight about me moving back home. Essentially, she feels that I have done so without her input and she is threatened by me being back. She does not know if this is what she wants or not. And is not certain that we are going to work this out.
Soon after those comments though, she seemed to calm down and things were a little more normal between us.
The one thing that I am noticing is that EVERYTHING is done on her schedule. Any physical contact, any emotional contact etc is done on her schedule and based on her feelings. I would suspect that this is a normal reaction considering that 2 months ago I made her skin crawl.
I am guessing that I should now be posting in Piecing, however, I still have this underlying fear that all of this progress is just show for the holiday's. I am not yet confident that there is true progress as she still maintains that we are not married, and that she is single. In fact she often makes comments about "when we were married,".
So, I plan to play this by ear, continue to make strides and keep doing what I have been doing which has seemed to make all four of us happier. It is so much nicer to be home when we are not at each others throat. It is amazing that some changes in my behavior could elicit such changes in her and even my boys too!
I hope that this message finds you all in a better place today. I will try to catch up on all of your sitches once I actually get some work done today....
Hound
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
I hope that you will continue to post here for a while... I think that it is nice to give people a wider view of "a short history of a separation" in one place.
PS: dont forget to link back to your earlier thread just cut-n-paste the url
Last edited by Dom R; 12/17/0706:01 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
You need to be VERY careful at this juncture. Be cool, do not rush things, do not get overly anxious. A few nights in the guest room or on the couch may be the way to go. BABY STEPS.. keep her wanting you.
My W and I separated for 1 week in May. After 7 days of being a part it was like a 2 month honeymoon. Lots of sex, romantic dinners, the works.
Month 3 ... the bullsh*t starts up again.
9/29 Separated 10/31 W files for divorce Turkey day ... Lake Placid spectacular... without the sex XMAS Time .. Heading to divorce court.
Looking back, we should have taken things VERY slow in May. Baby steps, marriage counseling, etc.
If we did that, I believe we would not be getting divorced.
Take it slow... she is going to be questioning whether she did the right thing in letting you move back in. Don't give her any ammo.
Hound, you are awesome! I truly see your marriage being all it can be. Hang in there!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
She is certainly questioning if she is doing the right thing. She has told me as much. However, the coldness is slowly going away from her. She is becomming more and more engaged in "us" and less and less in the things that kept her attention while we were S and even before.
There are still some moments of uncertainty from her. Last night there was a big moment of it, but all in all I think that we are moving in the right direction. The MC helps, but more than anything I think that she is appreciative of the new attitude that I have. I need to insure that I don't backslide.....
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Sorry for the delay in posts all, with Christmas and everything else I have purposely stayed away from the computer, but now that I am back at work with a little time I will update....
When we last followed our intrepid hero he was planning a move back home for a number of reasons. The place he was staying would be unavailable for the holiday's, he wanted to be near the little heros and work on his marriage, and it was the right thing to do. So he moved home.
At first our hero unpacked very little from his suitcase as to insure that there were no grand assumptions made on his part, but slowly he began to engrain himself back into the home and family. Through his hard work and diligent DB'ing our hero has really turned a new leaf and has gotten many many compliments from his wife about his participation around the house. As the Christmas holiday approached she made several comments about how easy it has been this year with all of the extra help!!!
So, our hero pressed on and as he would do laundry, rather than putting his stuff back in the suitcase his cape and skin-tight blue suits would be hung on his side of the closet or placed in the dresser, but he never said anything about it, nor was it every brought up by the wife. In addition, our hero continued in his new ways of getting up a little earlier to finish off some dishes, laundry, whatever needed to be completed. When coming home from a day of crimefighting our hero would also make sure that there was some time to spend dedicated to the little heros, the misses, and even some little chores.
Well, during this time our hero and his mate continued to attend MC to work on their individual skills and there have been some breakthroughs for each. In addition, they have continued to work through the exercises in Gottman's book again building some additional skills.
Life in the supers house has been very very different, it is remarkable the behavior change from each of our heros. In fact, there have been a number of moments in the last 7 days that when they happened a few months ago would turn into an all our verbal assualt by one of the two. But now, there is a completely different communication dynamic between our heros. There is a lot of empathy for each other and there have been some serious breakthroughs.
While all seems ok in our world, there are some challenges. For one, Mrs. Hero is still uncertain sometimes of her "wants" and has at times pushed our Hound hero away in a very loving way though. There have been nights were she wasn't feeling "cuddly" and would simply ask the Hound to sit on another couch or chair in the living room. She has also been very reluctant to have anykind of PDA. Additionally, she is still certain that we are not "back together", we are just trying to figure things out. She also refuses to wear her ring or confirm that she is married publically. To which our hero has begun to call her his domestic partner to much giggling from the misses.
But, the intimacy has increased, she has even admitted that she loves me so much more when I am not a jerk and has exclaimed that we have been more physical in the last two weeks than we have in the last 6 months because she is so attracted to this nice kind man whom has invaded my body.
So our hero is still being yo-yo'd some, but the best news of all is that the Hound has been asked to stay at the house from now on with some rules of course, but nothing that he is not already doing!
In regards to piecing etc. I am not sure where we stand, I am certain that there will be some bumps in the road and we have had a few. But, I am very excited that life seems so much more enjoyable now than it did before the seperation. Also in regards to Christmas gifts etc, our hero observed the Act As If approach and acted as if nothing has changed between the two of them and was met with some very loving responses on Christmas morning!
Our heros will go back to MC on the 10th so there is some time to continue the work. And the puppies are out of town with Grandma and Grandpa until Sunday!!!!
So for those of you that have made it this far in my inanely long post, I really wish you the best in your sitch. I hope that my success will inspire you as in Mid October I NEVER thought that I would be home again, let alone sharing my bed and my life with my beautiful wife again. We have had very few convos about OM, but I know he is out of the picture. She has made some comments about how it will be weird to see him again in Vegas for their work conference in April, but I am confident that there will not be any problems.
I will post an additional message soon on what has worked for me to get to this point for those of you still fighting. But, I feel so ashamed of my success as some of you have been fighting the good fight for so long and while my S lasted only two months it seemed like an eternity.
I will keep posting from time to time, but I do wish you all well!
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Thanks for the update. I kept looking for one from you!
You ARE a hero!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
It has been almost a month since my last update....
For those of you looking for some hope here ya go:
We are still together and things seem so much better now than in years. Sure there are still issues that we are working, but we are finally working together on some change in our lives.
There are still some tense moments especially as we are addressing the OM issue as well as some of the trust issues etc. But again the MC has been awesome!
So since October 13 we have gone from "you make my skin crawl." "you are a loser" etc to lots of loving affirmation of our marriage.
We have decided that we are going to renew our vows at some point soon and that I will get a new ring etc for her. I think that really we are starting a new marriage because she will only say now that she is in a relationship not married. Oh well
I am sure that many of you want to know, "Hound, are you still DB'ing?"
The simple answer is YES. And I suspect that I will be forever. I have realized that DB'ing is more about being a great husband, a great friend, and a great partner and that is a lot of DB'ing. Not the LRT stuff etc, but the other things that Michelle speaks of in her message.
So yep, still doing it every day.
I hope that you all reading this will find your way through your sitch. I feel guilty that I have found myself in this position while many of you still feel the pain that I once held in my heart. I hope that you too will see some progress as you move forward.
I hope that my plight gives you hope, believe me when I tell you that if I can make it this far you all can too. I am not sure if there is anything that I didn't do to my wife.
Good luck!
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
just cut-n-paste the url
