I'm new to the board. Hope I'm doing this right. I've read a number of threads - they are very helpful. Here's my story. W and I started counseling early last year Off and on twice a month.(have had a long up and down marriage) Thought we were both committed to making things right. Felt things were improving based on her actions and words. Had serious discussions about our relationship and sold our house end of April (private offer - too good to turn down). Don't have to move immediately. Bought another home intended to be the one for eventual retirement. Closed escrow on purchase end of August. Took a 1 week vacation first week of september. She said she had a great time. Two weeks later wife informed me she loves me but is not in love with me (and has felt like this for long time), feels I deserve someone better and moved out. How could I have missed all the signals. Why would she have continued the real estate transactions if she felt this way? Said she needed separation to sort things out. 2 weeks later told me she wants a divorce. We have talked a number of times. She tells me she wants to remain friends and even go out once in awhile? We've had dinner a couple of times. I didn't bring up relationship. She keeps in fairly frequent contact with me with emails and occassional phone calls. Even did some joint Christmas shopping together at her request. Had been more than a month since she mentioned divorce. Didn't know exactly where things were. Had a telephone consultation with a DB coach during this week. Was told this sounds like a MLC. Was encouraged after and trying to educate myself with DB concepts. Received initial divorce papers today. Thought I was ready to deal with things. I'm in shock and feeling very numb today. Trying to keep telling myself there is still alot of time to try DB concepts but now feeling very discouraged. What next?
Me - 52 W - 50 3 grown children Married 31 years Separated late september Bomb dropped today Married - 31 years
Last edited by familyman dave; 12/15/0709:41 AM.
Me - 53 W - 50 3 grown children Married 31 years Bomb dropped late september Married - 31 years
I'm sorry, and I'm sorry you find yourself here. Most of us here know what you mean by that shocked feeling. YOur W seems to be moving amazingly fast with the D papers, but the D process is just starting for you so don't panic.
Have you read the MLC Resources thread at the top of this forum? It is extremely informative.
There are many different views here on whether or not you should actively fight and stall the D. I'm of the view that you can't stop it, but that you can slow it down to a pace that lets you process it, and try to make the MLCer do 100% of the work. Sounds like your W is already doing that. We call those freight-train MLCers. My XH was one, which is why I wanted to be sure to post to you.
Take some deep breaths, take good care of yourself physically, and hold on. If you are getting papers already, you really need to consult an attorney. You can let the L handle it all, and you can instruct the L to go at your pace...just because your W wants to "Move on" doesn't mean you have to move on at her pace!
I hope this made sense, it is the middle of the night. Good luck and keep posting.
Thanks for the reply. I had discussed this with a cousin of mine who is family law lawyer when W initially said she wanted a D. L said to contact her if I receive papers. Will do that on Monday. Cousin had also mentioned D mediation but if I want to slow things down I don't think that is the way to go. I have been working out 4 times a week since early Oct and really watching what I'm eating - I had gained a lot of weight over the years. The exercise has helped tremendously with the stress and sleep. (I've lost 32 lbs so far - still a long way to go) Your reply made a lot of sense.
Thanks so much, A hug is what I could use right now FMD
Me - 53 W - 50 3 grown children Married 31 years Bomb dropped late september Married - 31 years
First I will mention that Bomb Drop is when she told you she wanted out, not the day you are served. It doesn't mean today is easier, but this has been going on for a tiny while already.
And she likley went through all of the house selling and purchase proces without saying anything because she was trying to get her feelings back.
But trying doesn't count if your spouse doesn't know there are problems. And you knew before...since you were in counseling, but she did not let you know she was still not feeling right.
Quote:
Had a telephone consultation with a DB coach during this week. Was told this sounds like a MLC.
What did you your DB coach say sounded like MLC. Your post didn't mention specific MLC signs, but you may have simply omitted those.
I am not seeing MLC. I'm not seeing signs that say it isn't MLC either, but you simply haven't told us about some of the wilder MLC behaviour that becomes standard.
Quote:
I had discussed this with a cousin of mine who is family law lawyer when W initially said she wanted a D. L said to contact her if I receive papers.
Did your cousin say why you should contact her once served?
I personally prefer the no contact route--no discussion of legal processes that is. But I'm not a lawyer, so I merely wonder why.
Whenever Sweetheart wanted to talk about the legal process I refered him to his lawyer. He called to get my help in filing out the data--my birthdate our marriage date, my social...and he got angry when I told him to ask his lawyer, because that would cost. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but that's how these things work."
I also told him I wouldn't be friends outside of a marital context. I do NOT recommend you do that. Building with friendship is very important, I did it with Sweetheart because he was cake-eating and I knew he would do whatever it took to be my friend.
But is she or was she having an affair--that is, is there an OM? What about physical changes? Clothing changes? Spending changes? New friends? New activities?
MLCers change their behaviours and habits. Most, but not all, spend $ like liquid. They dress younger and hang out with a new younger group of people.
What about emotional changes--and menopause too? Do her moods cycle? Has she seemed depressed? Has she seemed more sensitive--reacting with anger easily?
What are her marital complaints? What changes does she want and what changes do you want--in you?
The first thing to do is work and focus on your Self. Whatever is happening to your wife, is something she must resolve. None of us here are perfect, but neither are we at fault for our spouse's problems.
Go read the resources and come back. Tell us how she does or doesn't fit MLC. Then keep posting.
Thanks for your reply and clarifications. I'm replying to a couple of those (don't know how to use the quote) I will be reading the MLC resources and post some more later.
"But trying doesn't count if your spouse doesn't know there are problems. And you knew before...since you were in counseling, but she did not let you know she was still not feeling right." - She definititely knew there were problems but looking back I think even during the counseling she already felt there was no solution and may have already been planning to leave. Maybe she felt she was trying to prove to herself that she tried.
"What did you your DB coach say sounded like MLC" Definite mood swings. Doctor said she is depressed and in menopause and prescribed anti depressants and hormone therapy. She tried both for about a month and decided she didn't like how they made her feel, so stopped taking them. Definitely trying to dress younger (she doesn't look anywhere near her age anyways). Been working at new job for about a year. Has new friends. She had been a very family oriented mom and grandma. Used to see the grandkids at least 4 or 5 times a week. After she moved out she sees them once or twice a week at the most. Isn't communicating much with her sister or mom. Was close to her sister. They can't understand. Is somewhat isolating herself from her family. Did go to Hawaii by herself in November during the week of her 50th birthday. Our daughter has a long time friend who lives there. Wife stayed with her. Charged her expenses to her credit card that is her name only. I asked her if there was anyone else - She said No, no.
"What are her marital complaints? What changes does she want and what changes do you want--in you?"
Says I am too controlling. Says through the years that I have drained her personality. I feel that is an exaggeration but if that is how she feels I understand it is valid to her. Also feels there is no passion in the marriage and feels that for her remaining life she wants to be happy. Says she is so sorry she is doing this. Through the years I let my weight get out of control. I definitely had low energy. She has always taken better care of herself. She has said this is also an issue. I am working on this with exercise and better food plan. That is helping me feel a lot better already, but after getting the papers yesterday I feel terrible.
"Did your cousin say why you should contact her once served" My cousin said to contact her (not my wife) and she would explain the next steps. Probably didn't word that well.
Thanks again, FMD
Me - 52 W - 50 3 grown children Married 31 years Separated late september 07 Bomb dropped mid Oct 07 Married - 31 years
Me - 53 W - 50 3 grown children Married 31 years Bomb dropped late september Married - 31 years
I am sorry you are going through this. My H is also in MLC. If your wife is truly in MLC you must realize THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She has big time issues she needs to deal with. Give her lots of space and continue on with your life and responsibilities.
Work on yourself, for yourself, no one else.
We are here to offer support and help you through this.
It has been a year since my divorce was filed. He is dragging his feet. Don't panic about your sitch, you have time and anything can happen.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
