Thanks Barb, I had already offered for me and the kids to pick her up on Christmas Eve and keep some of our family traditions. I read my own post after I posted and it really does sound a lot harsher than I am. I was mostly miffed at assumption by her that she would have the kids at her place for Christmas (Eve and Day) after she had them for Thanksgiving and Christmas is my week to have them. I am unsure at times if I am being too much of a pushover and that's why I sought others opinions on how they were handling the Holidays. I confess I am a bit resolute after Thanksgiving. I appreciate your reply and I totally agree that the kids should be kept formost in any decision, and that is why I hope to keep at least our Christmas Eve traditions the same (kids with both parents).
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
During our 2 years of being separated but living in the same city, S alternated between our houses week by week. But holidays we didn't stick to the schedule. Mostly, I took S because my family makes a bigger deal of holidays and XH's relations with his family have never been as close as mine.
The first year we were separated, XH came over for most of the day on Christmas Day. I cooked, XH did some of his old duties, and my mom was there. Then he went off to do I don't know what! I stayed in town that year, so S15 (then 13) spent about half of his vacation with me and half with his dad.
Last year, XH came over Christmas morning and S14 unwrapped all his gifts with both of us and we had some brunch food. Then S14 and I flew out of town to have the full deal with my sis and her family in ATlanta.
Although never acknolwedged, OW was around during all this. I just don't know how and when he celebrated with her, it was kept out of my view.
I think everyone makes different arrangements here. I think barbiedoll's point is really important. For me, it was a big deal to have S open his gifts with both of us, and I think it was a big deal for him too.
Good luck. As I posted before this is way too hard, especially for those of us who didn't really get a vote in the matter.
I'm glad you started this thread. My H and I are also trying to figure out what will happen. H isn't angry or as distant as some - maybe I'd be a bit better off if he was - so currently we are coordinating shopping for presents, etc. I still don't know what'll happen when the day actually comes. My h isn't in a situation to have the boys, so that's not in the equation. I can't quite see us having a happy ol' sit around the tree, though, either. I think we're doing the "just don't think about it and see what happens" trick, which doesn't always work out well!
The only advice the IC has given is to be creative - make new traditions. My only problem is that I'm feeling so unChristmasy this year I can't find the creative juice. It's about all I can do to just do what we usually have done, at least as far as decorating, etc.
Anyway, I'm interested too in seeing what others are doing. Thanks - Anned
My H started the subject with me. He got them for Thanksgiving, which didn't matter to me. I moved to his town and away from my family. He brought them back at about 5:00 and the girls and I then drove to my parents (5 hours) and we spent the weekend.
H knows that Christmas morning is important to me so he offered for them to stay here. He wanted them at about 11:00 to go to his parents for dinner. I told him 1:00 would be better and he was fine with that. He also knew that early mass on Christmas Eve was important to me but wanted to know if they wanted to come out to his parents after that. I spoke to the girls and they didn't want to go (mostly because they don't care for menu on Christmas Eve). They want to stay home and have pizza and make gingerbread houses so that is what we will do (new tradition).
My advice is to put aside what you want and what your W wants. What is in the best interest of the children? What do they want? These are the two questions that I ask myself before I do anything or say anything to H about anything.
Anned - I agree - it is hard to get into the spirit. But again, it is important to the girls, so I am doing what they want.
H has asked for some gift suggestions which I gave him. But we will do it separate. I had considered asking him to join us in the morning or for mass, but I won't now. My D13 told me that she thinks that he will come home. He is nowhere near the end of the tunnel. I don't want to send her a confusing message or a wrong message by having him here. She will get her hopes up and will be crushed if dream doesn't come true.
So that will be our Christmas. I expect some tears, but mostly smiles.
Sometimes what we write here can easily be misunderstood by others. I'm glad you clarified that.
If I could go back and change anything (now that I've been apart from my ex for over 6 years), it would be to TRY to keep things a bit warmer, a bit friendlier. No, I did nothing to make this happen really. He had the affair, he left, he was cruel throughout. It would have been better if he had tried harder. But I know I could have as well - I let my own pain rule. Maybe I could have put the kids more in the forefront - I don't know - but hindsite is 2020.
Do your best to make things the best that you can. Your heart will feel better for it and you are setting a terrific example to your children.
To everyone who is fairly new in the process - my heart goes out to you. I posted over here for about 3 years before moving over to Surviving when I knew I couldn't repair things by myself. But I like to check in - I know how it all feels.
Thanks All, Hearing that others are/have been dealing with this issue in itself is helpful as it reassures us this can be done. W8ing you raised another issue which is to what degree should the kids have input to the decision process. I asked my daughter whose house would she rather be at for Christmas when she realized they would be with me the week of Christmas. Being the smart little outside the box thinker she is she replied, "I want to be with both of you" (mom AND dad). When I told WAW she was upset and told me I should never ask the kids to choose between us. That's not exactly what I was doing, her comments may have been partially fueled by guilt. I am glad to see others value and respect the input of their children in this situation.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
Sleeper- My kids are a little older, 11 and 13. I try to phrase things in a way where they feel like they don't have to choose between mom and dad.
We have movie night here and on one of those nights, H wanted to take them out to eat because he couldn't make it to something of theirs (can you say guilty?!?!). Anyway, I told the girls that Dad was going to take the out to dinner to XYZ (their favorite restaurant). They protested saying that it was movie night. I called H and rescheduled for a different night.
As far as Christmas plans, I told them what the plan was and included them going to H's parents on Christmas Eve. I asked if that plan was good with them. They asked if they had to go Christmas Eve. I called H and told them that Christmas Eve is out.
I used to be concerned that H would think I was brainwashing them. Now I don't care. I know, in my heart, that I am presenting this to them in a positive manner with no bias. I know what I am doing is right and in their best interest.
We usually go to Florida right after Christmas and spend about a week there. I was really looking forward to going this year and getting away. I told the girls that we would still go. D13 said she didn't want to. She wanted to see her dad on her birthday (right after Christmas).
I cancelled the trip.
So I guess I don't really ask. I tell them the plan and look at the reaction and go from there. It may help somewhat so they don't feel like they are in the middle and have to make a choice.
What is in the best interest of the children? What do they want?
I have tried to ask the boys as well; with two older kids - 13 & 17 - I feel they have the maturity to make most of these decisions - or at least be included. The problem - if it's that - comes when they really don't want to make the decision. They stall, and I know then that this - whatever it is - isn't a choice they feel ready for. One Christmas thing we always did together was go cut down a tree; I decided that I really wasn't in the mood for that, so I asked H if he wanted to take the boys to get a tree. He did and so, since the boys had been avoiding coming up with a plan, I presented this and they agreed - especially since I said I wanted this as well.
In the end, all of you are right that it is the kids who should be considered first with many of these situations. Not always - something my friends have reminded me as the year goes along is that kids are much more resiliant than we give them credit for - but as much as makes sense. And judging how much and when to ask and when to just tell by the kids' ages or responses is what makes us the parents - we are helping them cope.
Another Christmas tradition we have had is that I have given each of the boys an ornament that represents something from that year. Boy, talk about not sure what to do this year! Then I found a lovely one by Hallmark this year that says "Forever Family." I am giving one to each of them. I figure that has been a primary part of what we've tried to do - keep being a family in the midst of the insanity.
Hi - I do respond to Barbie's idea of trying to keep things a bit warmer. But it isn't always easy with a MLCer because so many of them have an agenda.
Don't beat yourself up if you can't keep it cordial - just try. My kids are older, and don't want their father in their lives, the way he is now. Do I have any responsibility for this? I don't know, I hope not, but you never know. . . .
Having any kind of relationship with someone is believes that their wishes come first, that what they are doing is absolutely right, and that anyone who disagrees with them is not only wrong, but doesn't love them, is a very tough call.
For those of you that keep it cordial I salute you. I would love to be cordial, but it does take two to want this, even if we do 95%, 5% has to come from them. IMO
- so currently we are coordinating shopping for presents, etc. I still don't know what'll happen when the day actually comes. My h isn't in a situation to have the boys, so that's not in the equation. I can't quite see us having a happy ol' sit around the tree, though, either. I think we're doing the "just don't think about it and see what happens" trick, which doesn't always work out well!