Miss IC's little red wagon

[Imconfused0807]

Mojo,

Ok, I've been thinking (usually not a good thing ) and not sure what to make of this or if I can get my point across to you in a clear manner but here goes...

Well the lioness most definitely made a guest apprearance last night and quite frankly I'm surprised to see IC posting this morning...guess he has more resiliency than I expected

Anyways, here is my problem..and I'm not looking for any pulled punches just because both IC and myself are both on here - we're both well aware of how I feel. Now let me see if I can get my point across - I have a tremendous desire for IC...the sex is grrreeaatt ! I feel so emotionally connected to him during sex but yet I don't feel a desire for sex ???

Picture IC & myself with one of those little red radio flyer wagons whereas the wagon represents sex. I'm sitting in front of the wagon and IC is pulling me along down the sidewalk..it's enjoyable, but IC's doing all the work. Now there are times (like last night) where we'll come to a large hill where IC will give the wagon handle to me for me to steer while he jumps in back of the wagon and enjoys the free-wheeling down the hill...but yet when we reach the bottom, I stay in the wagon and IC jumps out and starts pulling us up the next hill.

I'm just afraid (because it's happened before) that IC will grow tired of this constant pulling and eventually drop the handle and go off and play cowboys and indians...or whatever else little boys play these days And there I will sit...alone in the wagon, waiting and hoping that IC will come back and pull us up the next hill, but unwilling or..or should I say un-desirous to get out and help pull it, or even dare to let him ride while I pull. It doesn't seem to matter to me how enjoyable the ride is...I'm willing to participate, and enjoy but I'm content to also just sit there, alone, in a motionless wagon...waiting and hoping - that scares me!

- Didn't want to tie up Mojo's thread -

Honey,

I might be way off base on your fears. But I'm not going to stop pulling the wagon...the only reason that I dropped the handle before is that a lot of times, the wagon was empty or so it seemed. Now maybe the wagon was empty due to the way I was pulling it..the direction I was taking and this left you feeling uncomfortable or out of control..whatever, so you felt the need to abandon ship {or wagon in this case}

Would you agree that we have come quite a long ways from the time I originally dropped the handle and you originally jumped ship? Is it different now that I'm not constantly dragging the wagon along in a way and in the direction that I want or think we should go? That I can and do just give up the handle for you to steer at will, while I enjoy the ride with you...a ride that takes us on a path that you want to take us on?

What are you afraid of?

[Corri]

Can I butt in here?

Well... of course I can... it's a public board... tee hee.

As a former LD woman myself, I think it is important for LDs to understand that sex, MOST of the time, is not the Hollywood or Romance Novel Version experience.

Miss IC... sex (to me) is a form personal expression, and if you have an orgasm while expressing yourself... that is awesome. Sex, for me, is about what I am willing to discover about myself and sharing that with my partner. Feeling safe to try something utterly new and seeing how he responds (or not).

But what sex ISN'T ... is a constant state of those feeling you have right before you O... you know what I mean?

And truly... guys are built to pull the wagon. They are bigger, stronger, and they... I dunno... are more into it. It's, like, cool, to pull the wagon. Not saying you can't pull it at times... but... you ARE better suited for riding in the wagon (with enthusiasm and willingness to explore, and enough honesty to say you don't particularly like or enjoy the road he's thinking about going down). It's a team effort.

You really are doing okay... sex is not a constant state of euphoria... but think of it this way... we women are vulnerable and emotional almost all day, every day of our lives. Guys really aren't... so... when they GET to be that way... can you see how that would be attractive to them? I mean... imagine a day without hugging your kids or talking to another human being... ALL DAY LONG (not that guys do this, I'm just trying to think of a comparison for you so you get it)... by the end of the day... how do you think you might feel?

You aren't supposed to feel any other way about sex than how you feel. It's okay. You are being honest about it... you are taking some risks... and you are present about it.

I think if IC were unhappy... or if IC wanted to try something different... he'd tell you. I know you want to please him... that is so cool. But know that is also VERY OK to please yourself... explore... try things... and if you don't want to at this point in your life... do your best.

They just want you to BE PRESENT with them.

Does that make any sense?

[MJontheMend]

I think if IC were unhappy... or if IC wanted to try something different... he'd tell you. I know you want to please him... that is so cool. But know that is also VERY OK to please yourself... explore... try things... and if you don't want to at this point in your life... do your best.

Good advice, Corri. As a HDW, I'll take it one further. You can't feel desire "for" somebody else's benefit. You can only do it for yourself. The more self-validating and selfish you can be during sex the more desire you will feel. The hottest incidence of sex I had this year occurred when things cycled up from me bucking NG out of my way and saying "I wanna touch myself." like a bratty toddler grabbing for a cookie. Just go a little crazy and don't give a f*ck when you are f*cking and your desire will fill the space you create when you throw out all anxiety, self-consciousness or desire to please. Seize the moment.

[Miss IC]

I've been doing a lot of thinking on this and you know what? I still cannot put my finger on what it is I'm scared of. I mean here I am...never having felt so comfortable sexually in my entire life. Miss IC from say 6 months ago would never have had the confidence to tie her boy up and have my way with him, or even the other night to just pin him down and f*ck him...any part of him that I chose...twice! And maybe that is where some of my fear is coming from..lol..this is really hard for me to explain because I don't really know myself why I'm feeling this way.

I feel what Mojo said rings so true with me. I've always been the one to play the part of "pleaser" in bed and hopefully I derived pleasure for myself in the process. Now, I've switched gears into more of a "please myself" attitude and if IC happens to derive pleasure so be it...but it's not my focus. kwim? Selfish? It seems to be working now with IC..but will it..can it continue?

I don't know if it's a fear of the bubble bursting, the fear of maybe taking things to far to where IC's perception of me changes, or dare I say..an underlying fear that possibly him not being here {I hate that I think this way...I'm sorry IC, I can't help it} I don't know...as the soul searching continues....

[RealJourney]

Miss IC, If I am reading IC right, he is not going to be freaked out by your lionness. ( You can pay me now, IC). All along, he has been encouraging me to come forward with this side of myself to my H. Why? Because he thinks it would be good for me and my marriage.

Stop analyzing and go enjoy yourself! When you are tired of lionness, something else will emerge. When he's tired of lionness, he'll let you know. Meanwhile, I don't hear him saying anything ( or is that because you're not letting him speak right now, lol)?

[MJontheMend]

I have a question for the women on the BB who self-describe as more LD than HD. Do you experience strong physical arousal from "causing" a man to get an erection or simply sensing that a man does have an erection? The reason I am asking this is that I would say that this is the "root" motivation of most of my "monkey" sexual behavior. Let me explain how it works with me. Let's say you start MBing from "cold" and then eventually you get to the point where you are about 10 seconds away from orgasming. I very frequently get to that point of arousal just from sensing that a man has an erection. I think that is why I am so round-heeled. It's like I have this internal tuning fork that automatically starts vibrating in sync with male arousal and I actually have less self-control than a man but maybe just because I never learned to practice controlling myself. The monkey's "goal" is to turn myself on by turning on a man but I rarely give her conscious permission to get started. It just kind of happens.

I should also note that it has very little to do with sexual validation. It's not like I'm thinking "Wow, I must be really hot because this guy has a hard-on for me.". My response is happening at a level way more primitive than ego-gratification. I can start to have the response even if I'm not attracted to a man but then my revulsion response pushes it down.

[Corri]

I have found... with myself... that the more I work at turning him on (without teasing... this is one-on-one sex, not some drunk bar flirtation, talking naughty banter, kwis? There's money where my mouth is, so to speak )... the more turned on I get... so I'm actually doing what it is I am doing... more for me... than him. Turning HIM on... turns ME on... and I like being turned on... cuz I WANT something out of this encounter...

[mrsc]

Strong physical arousal? I guess sometimes, but it all depends on how sexual I'm feeling in that moment, and that is quite variable. If I'm not feeling particularly sexual and I become aware of cac's arousal, then, no, I don't feel aroused just from that awareness. If I am feeling sexual and I become aware of his arousal, or I intentionally cause his arousal, then I'm more likely to experience arousal myself.

[Corri]

Mrs. Cac:

I hear you. Yeah... if a man comes at me with an arousal... I really have no interest... because as far as I know **I** did nothing to cause it... and therefore, his motives are suspect to me. It's like he wants something FROM me.

It's kind of like the difference between me walking into a restaurant wondering what I want to eat... and a Roast Beef sandwich hurling itself at me from the cook top saying... "HERE... HAVE ME!!!!" And then the last thing I want is a Roast Beef sandwich...

That was a pretty lame attempt at a Mojo analogy, huh?....

[Imconfused0807]

Stop analyzing and go enjoy yourself! When you are tired of lionness, something else will emerge. When he's tired of lionness, he'll let you know. Meanwhile, I don't hear him saying anything ( or is that because you're not letting him speak right now, lol)?

RJ, I tried to tell ya last night "thanks, the checks in the mail" but it just came out as a bunch of mumbling...followed by a "yea baby, keep doing that" from Miss IC

I don't know if it's a fear of the bubble bursting, the fear of maybe taking things to far to where IC's perception of me changes, or dare I say..an underlying fear that possibly him not being here {I hate that I think this way...I'm sorry IC, I can't help it} I don't know...as the soul searching continues....

Lets walk through some of these fears..."underlying fear that possibly him not being here"...eh..ok, I'll give you this one and thank you for the sentiment. The initial shock has worn off with me...I think you're still dealing with it, give it time.

"Fear of maybe taking things to far to where IC's perception of me changes" ... Helllooooo !!! IC we're talking about here....Sorry, I'm not some little high saint alter boy! Things would have to go pretty far before you'd be crossing the line with me...I'll be sure to give ya a heads up

I feel what Mojo said rings so true with me. I've always been the one to play the part of "pleaser" in bed and hopefully I derived pleasure for myself in the process. Now, I've switched gears into more of a "please myself" attitude and if IC happens to derive pleasure so be it...but it's not my focus. kwim? Selfish? It seems to be working now with IC..but will it..can it continue?

As far as you switching gears into more of a "please myself" attitude...Maybe I'm wrong on this, but Corri, isn't this part of the whole idea that you have been trying to instill? Be responsible for your OWN sexuality?

Mojo, You didn't mention what NG's reaction was when you "bucked" him out of the way to diddle with yourself...to please yourself? As a man, my own personal guess is that it probably turned him on even more...no? Honey, when you switch gears into the "please myself" mode....you are in fact pleasing me. You're taking responsibility for your own sexuality and pleasure and thus lifting that responsibility from me and making it better for both of us. I'll be the first to admit that being the sole source of pleasure to your woman is a great boost to the male ego...but damn, it's a lot to take on...every time! After awhile, it's tiresome...and I'll drop the wagon handle. But to explore together...f*ck, use me how you want - I'll never drop the handle again