Please help--Need advice!!!

[Patrick325]

I have been seperated for 3 weeks from my wife who I think is going through a mid life crisis/feeling taken for granted. I am trying to do a 180 because she is talking divorce and preparing to sell our house. I spoke with a coach the other day and she told me I should try to keep myself happy and try some new things to possibly get my wife's attention. I decided to take a short trip to Daytona beach (about a 4 or 5 hour drive for me) by myself. I told my wife because we have been sharing our children 3-4 days a weeks. She called me 3 hours later and told me how mad she was at me because one of her many complaints is that I never planned any getaways for the two of us. On top of the fact that I was going to spend money on myself around the holidays considering our money is kind of tight. She has had almost no income in 4 or 5 months(she's a realtor) and I have not witheld any of my income from her since the seperation. On top of it she went to a casino with her mother a couple of weeks ago spending $100. I plan on spending no more than $200-$300 for this short trip. She did mention twice that she thought I was taking someone with me (another woman) and I told her no I was not. I have always been faithful to my wife. When she called me she was so mad I folded and said it wasn't set in stone that I was going but she continued by saying it didn't matter, That just me thinking about going made her finalize her decision about divorce. Should I go??? I am scared of pushing her to divorce me. The only reason I decided to go was because what the coach had said and I hoped maybe my wife would ask to go with me. I can't ask her while trying to do a 180?? please help quick!!
_________________________

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The only reason I decided to go was because what the coach had said and I hoped maybe my wife would ask to go with me. I can't ask her while trying to do a 180??

A 180 is nothing more than a change in yourself, opposite of things you used to think or do.
180's by the way have to be made for you and NO ONE ELSE, otherwise these changes do not last, and if they are made to impress somone they certainly won't be impressed when you start acting the way you used to.

Explain why you cannot invite her because of your 180? What was your 180? To do more things by yourself? That is actually called GAL (Getting a Life) a 180, would be more in line with: Taking classes or excercising, volunteering, actually doing housework. Things like that.

The tit-for-tat she spent $100 so I should be able to spend money will not fly very well here. We don't care and you do not need to justify to anyone here why you are spending money on yourself.

Basically,
If you want to go, then you should go.

one of her many complaints is that I never planned any getaways for the two of us.

If you want to invite her, invite her.

Welcome to the MLC Board, sorry you are here.

MLCers are good at guilt, giving it, not even close to good at receiving it.

Get the Divorce Busting Book.
Do not initiate talks about your Marriage with your wife.

[MissH]

Patrick, sorry you are here, but you found the right place.

That just me thinking about going made her finalize her decision about divorce.

I think this is a common statement among MLCers. They look for any reason to say "well that just about does it for me, now I definelty want the divorce." Just MLC jargon, the all say the same thing one way or another.

[illuminata]

Patrick,

I agree. The 180 should address your previous shortcomings, and not just as a trick but a true realization of a part of yourself in need of repair and/or growth. For example, I would never listen when my H complained about the house. I just thought he was being a nag. Now, I see that he needed me to take care of the house as an act of love; for him, if I loved him, I would keep everything tidy and neat. So, even though it is not my norm, I make an extra effort now, and it has paid off in many ways (in part, for me and my own pride in my abilities even).

Now, given the comment about your wife's previous complaint about never going anywhere, I would make a guess that a 180 would involve you actually asking her to do things. That is, sometimes the "do not chase" idea needs to be modified a wee bit to accomodate spuses who have felt neglected (still, DO NOT plead, beg, cry, etc...).

I would ask her to go.

Also, if you have not read The Five LOve Languages, do so. I feel that this should be mandatory reading for all coupled getting married. If I had read it long ago, it would have saved me a world of grief. For you, if that comment about never doing anything together was a common theme from your wife, then her love langauge may be "quality time." That is, she needs for you to spend special time just with her as an act of love. I am not saying that is so because I do not know her, but you need to figure out what means love for her and do that (of course, not smothering her or being obvious, but do it all the same).

Best of luck

[Patrick325]

Wow, I feel a lot better after hearing that. I am going to invite her!! Seperate beds if we have to...but it will be great if she says yes. If not I will go alone....

[Bruce1]

Patrick:

I've been separated for six months,and MLC wife just said she wants a divorce. I will give it to her for lots of reasons I won't go into here.

I'm sorry you are here, but realize RIGHT NOW that you have to act for YOURSELF. Do not be desperate or clingy. That will make them run the other way. Do what you want to do for yourself. You cannot control her reaction to anything. Do not try to get inside her head--easier said than done. I've been down that road. You must decide what makes YOU happy and do it, wife be damned. You must live for yourself, not for her. Stop thinking about her! I know, easier said than done! Been down that road too.

Bottom line about GAL is exactly right. The day you start to live only for yourself and not care what your MLC wife thinks will be the day you feel liberated. She is not available to you now, and will likely try to guilt you into feeling like you are evil. My MLC W has done that many times, most recently two days ago. Just let it go! Go have fun for YOU!

[Patrick325]

I understand about GAL and I agree that I should do something to make me happy. The only problem is that I was kind of using this trip as a way to make her curious about me. I really don't care if I go, especially if it's by myself. But the problem is that I told her I was going, then I told her it wasn't set in stone, then I invited her last night but she turned me down. She said it didn't matter what I do becuase she doesn't care what I do anymore. I told her to let me know if she changes her mind. Should I still go or change my plans and not spend the money?? I could spend the time off fishing or whatever but will it make it seem that she can control me?? I hate playing these games but this whole thing is a game but our marriage is on the line and I really want to save it! I think after all of this I will be able to do anything because this is the hardest thing I have ever done.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I was kind of using this trip as a way to make her curious about me

Bad idea.

I hate playing these games but this whole thing is a game

This is not a game. Please repeat that about 1,000 times until it sinks in.

If you wife is MLC crazy, this is a long haul change of your life and your relationship.

Patrick, this is not a game. There are no winners here just survivors on both sides.

[Patrick325]

Well I guess I screwed up pretty good now. My W called today to ask me if I had time on my day off to go to the County Divorce attorney...Called me at work to ask me... I told her no, I have plans on that day...now she's going to attorney, or so she says.
_________________________

[Bruce1]

patrick:

It is the hardest thing you will ever try to do. But you are putting the cart before the horse. Yes, you want to save your marriage. And that may happen. But it will only happen as a by-product, so to speak. Your first thoughts must not be "will this save my marriage" or "how will she react?" Instead, your first thoughts must be "is this good for ME?" and "am I growing?" You can only work on yourself--that is a cliche on these boards, but it's so true. Work on yourself. Look at your failures in the marriage, and figure out how to grow as a person. If you get your wife back, great, if not, you will be better prepared for a new relationship in the future. You can try all you want to save the marriage, and it might not be saved. I've done more personal growth than I ever imagined possible, and it apparently wasn't enough. My W says she wants a D. In fact, she has never really given me the chance to show much of that growth despite my indicating a desire to talk at anytime. I think she senses it and maybe is afraid to confront the "new" me because it would throw her for an emotional loop. Safer for her to think of me as the same old "villain." Who knows, what I just wrote may be wrong; I really don't know what's in her head. But that is my point--you cannot control her.

I know some people pull back from D,but frankly as a result of my reading and growth I would not take her back until she showed me a LOT of growth on her part. It is liberating to be able to say that sincerely. I hope you get to that place, too. You'll be glad you did. Until then, you will spin in circles trying to please her and figure her out. Been there, done that. Believe me, this other path is much better.