Before I start with my story I want to start with a question. Do you let WAW know that you are aware of her fling or whatever you want to call it. She is constantly getting text messages and calls from the OM and carrys on about how it is so and so from work or what have you. I don't snoop anymore, but have verified what is going on and she is talking with OM constantly. He lives far away, but has came out to see her a few times. Here is an example of one of the texts: I miss you baby more than you know and I can't wait to see you again. Makes me ill, but Im past all that now Im just pissed that she constantly lies about it. I just want to clamly tell her that I know and she can stop the lying just keep it away from me and the kids. Any suggestions on this would be appreciated I am thinking about saying something before she moves out this weekend.
I have posted a lot of threads and my story seems endless. Well I haven't posted for a while Im just kind of getting exausted with the whole thing and starting to accept things for what they are. I have not given up hope, but I am realistic that I may not get another chance with my W. Have no idea what my odds are the way she talks my chances are 0%, but I think 50-50 is more close. I am doing a lot better myself I am not as sad all the time like I use to be and do know that I will be ok. Here is a ReCap of my sitch:
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- December 2006 wants to separate and thinks she wants a divorce. We separate for 2 weeks I did pretty good with DB stuff. Her reasons for the separation were the normal stuff not in love with you anymore, we have grown apart, she felt unloved my me, etc.
- Jan 07 She wanted me to move back into the house and later admitted it was only because of our chidren.
- March 07 Had a real nice trip to Mexico we both had a great time and think were looking much better.
- May - July 07 I countinued to try DB stuff, but we got back into a rut and everything I tryed to avoid this failed. She got more and more distant and I got more and more pushy and angry. According to her she was expecting more grand gestures during this time to win her back. I did a lot during this time, but still missed the mark with her LL gifts. I was trying to spend time with her and other things that were not her LL.
August 07 - She went out one night very late talked about some guy she meet and I got very angry even though she said I had nothing to worry about. By the way I am not an overly jealous person, but the distance going out late all the time was starting to take its toll. She went back to telling me she wanted to separate and probally would want a D.
Today - W is moving into a townhouse this weekend. We are both getting along really good she wants to still be my best friend. She still says we are going to get a D, but has not done anything to move in that direction yet. I know she is having atleast an EA with OM which she denies. She still likes doing things with me we are going to dinner and a play next weekend. She also wants to go skiing with me next month.
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One more question for those on the separated board. We have been somewhat separated for the past 3 months, but she still calls me all the time and we see each other a lot. Some of this has to do with the fact that we have kids, but not all of it she will call just to talk to me. I want her to be able to miss me, but I don't want to be cold or mean about it. I have already starting trying to not anwswer my phone and she gets really mad I tell her if it is an emergency leave a message and I will call right back. She also still likes to do family things often how do I say no to this without looking like a jerk. She is having the best of both worlds and not having a chance to miss me. I know I need to do something about this, because if I don't find away to allow her to miss me she will probally never come back.
I will start of by saying I did look at her phone saw a message from OM saying I wish I could move with you or something to the effect and he called her baby. So when I was leaving for work she said how do I look and in a smarta** way I said great baby. I know bad DB and I shouln't have looked, but at this point I don't see what it matters. She called and was trying to see what was going on with me I said I am not going to lie to you I saw a message and just wanted to prove to myself that there was more than you are saying with OM. Of course she is very angry that I invaded her privacy and then go's right into denial again saying OM may be serious, but that does not mean I am. Well whatever I feel better about it in some weird way. At the very least she knows I am not stupid and do realize things. She was angry and said she would not go to the play with me now. I just let things go after this and went on with my life pretty much ignoring her.
A couple days after this OM cell phone thing it was time for the W to move out. By this time she seems to be completely over my invading of her privacy. Me and a friend of mine helped move her into her new place. We had fun with it considering the circumstances we even joked about the happy couple that was pictured on the U-Haul. She made some funny comments about if I found a suprise when I cleared out one of her drawers. Indeed she had a toy in there and must have though it was funny that I ran into it and said something like a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I laughed and made some funny comments back. After my friend left she asked if I wanted to go to lunch I said No I guess not she asked a few more times and offered to treat me since we now have separate money so I said sure why not. We talked and it was a lot nicer than normal a few little things were said about the R, but not much. She even said that she now wants to go to the play if I didn't plan something else. I said I still have them for you. At the end of the day she gave me a hug I think I may have initated it, but she seemed to really want one. This is a first since we separated. When we were out she did make a couple of comments about how we make good babies and she did want another, but I did not until we started having problems. I said well I didn't say one way or another because you didn't express an intrest in having another child until after we started having problems.
The next day we went Christmas shopping for the kids and we both had a good time. Before we left she wanted to come over to my house and take a bath and get ready. I said sure. She still has no problem taking off all of her clothes in front of me even taking her pants off and asking if I could iron them for her. As she was getting ready she said she is really depressed about moving out and knew she would be. I said well you should be.
After this weekend and spending a lot of time with her I am trying to be more distant now. I can't let her have her cake and eat it too. She has called me the past 3 days and I have either kept it short or let her calls go to voice mail. well I guess time will tell. The funny thing is I know deep down she still loves me and does not want this. A lot of the problem is she has a lot of pride and she now fells like she has to do this even though it seems like she is forcing herself. Another note she has not said anything about D for a while now and I am pretty sure she has not looked into it yet. She did make a comment during our weekend that no one agrees with what she is doing. I said I agree with a lot and even understand the separation, but there are a couple of things I don't agree with at all. She said what like getting a D and I said yes. She dropped it and said nothing else.
In summary I am feeling better about myself in general. As for the situation most of the time I feel like sooner or later she is going to come back to me I just can't see it any other way. I don't see her being happy with someone else and having our family split. I even feel like she herself does not want this at all, but is being held back only by pride and hurt. She even has admited to this at times saying that it probally would be different between the 2 of us. Other times I feel like who knows if she will ever come around and if she does it may take an extremely long time. In the end only time will tell the only question is how much time will I go on living like this.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
It sounds like you're pretty good at this DB thing.
You're wise to go a little dark now. She needs to see what it's like to be on her own. Her "I can do better" fantasy may be short-lived when she actually tries it. It's often not what one thinks it's going to be like. Where are your kids? It's hard to go dark with kids. I tried, but every night, D4 has to call daddy to say "good-night". It was something she's always done (he works nights), so I couldn't just stop that.
It's a good idea to not answer all of her calls. She needs to know that you have a life, and are OK without her.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Sounds like you're doing pretty good, "soul mate"...
except for this:
Originally Posted By: soul_mate
As for the situation most of the time I feel like sooner or later she is going to come back to me I just can't see it any other way.
If you feel that way, and you "cant see it any other way"... then are are much more likely to have a rude shock down the line.
Trixi felt that way, all the way through 3+ months of separation. She told her husband that she "knew he would be back". Sometimes, he even agreed "probably".
He's now pushing for divorce, and it will most likely happen. Even WITHOUT another person in the background.
If you keep that attitude.. you arent treating your situation as seriously as it deserves, I think.
Last edited by Dom R; 12/21/0706:07 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Yes you are right that is not a good attitude I guess part of me is still in denial while the other part of me is trying to move on while leaving the door cracked. I guess I still have a lot of trouble thinking that my W will be happy with things like this, and I know she has a lot of unrealistic fantasys about being single and other men that are going to cause her a rude awakening.
Did not talk to her but one time in the morning yesterday. Today we are going out to dinner an to a play. I bought her play tickets a while back and she still wants to go. I am sure we will have fun since we normally do still. I will try to make it a nice time without any R talks and stuff like that. I think after the play and Christmas I am going to go a bit dark.
There are several road block between me and the W getting back togther and here they are. I guess I know them, but they are really all things that she has to overcome on her own or she may never.
1) Drop the fantasy of the grass is greener. This is a big one. She talks to OM all the time and I am sure he is telling her everything she wants to hear. Meanwhile they don't have to live in reality eg. bills, kids, living togther, chores, etc.
2) Drop her resentment and anger over me not loving her the way she needed to be loved in the past. That and she doen't believe I can ever love her like she needs to be loved. For me if there is one thing I did learn in this whole experiece is that I can give her this love and really missed out on this not only her life but mine too would have been so much more fullfilled if I would have understood this before.
3) Let go of her pride. Things like when I am done I am done. She will not allow herself to come back because she has went too far, etc.
4) Just allow us to fall back into love. This can only happen after #1,2,and 3 are finished.
Part of me wants to give her the book Walk out Wife before I go dark or as a last resort if going dark has no positive impact. I know everyone on here says that giving her a book would be the wrong thing, but there are 2 things 1) What could it hurt if nothing is turning around 2) There is a chance she may look at it since her anger towards me has actually went down a lot and we are good friends most of the time.
Here is one that she told me a couple days ago this stuff kills me. "I talked to the girls at work and told them my life would be so much easier if I could just fall back in love with soulmate"
Anyway as for me I am moving forward trying to get a life going out with some people from work more and working out frequently. I have considered going out with a couple of girls just because I miss having a female to hang out with and talk too. I am by no means interested in any kind of serious realationship right now, because I know if my W wanted I would give us another shot in a minute.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
Well I am really at a place where I am not sure what path I should take. I am still really hurt over my entire situation although the pain is less than it was months ago.
Went to the dinner and play with W and she seemed in a really poor mood and started in on me about I need to pay her more money (She knows I have no more to give) we need to sell the house so we can get a D. Well after her starting in on this we didn't have a really nice conversation. She again said things at dinner about how it is over and what I should have done to keep her. By the time dinner was over we were getting along better and at the play we actually had a good time and didn't discuss the R at all. So the night didn't really go as I would have liked, but it was not a complete bust.
I am still really confused she says things like how bad it will hurt her when I get someone else and me and her take the kids on trips and things like that. What can I say to her this is what she wants not me. She says things like this is not how I wanted things to turn out I wanted to have a family with you, etc. Again if you don't want things to turn out this way then do something about it. I am starting to just want to stop trying to understand her, because I don't think I ever will.
I really could use some input on the follwoing!!
Here is where I am today. She wants to pursue other men although it doesn't seem like a big priority right now she still wants to do this. She wants to get a D after we sell our house, but is not in a hurry and has not pursued anything. She wants me to be there as the family man and for us to continue to do things as a family. She wants to be my good friend. She wants to move back to where our family is from, but not as a couple. She has told me things like whatever guy she is with will have to accept that me and her and the kids will still do things as a family and whoever the OM is will have to accept this or he can leave. By her saying this part of me thinks that well I should continue to be close to her and do these family things in the end it will eventually push any OM out of the picture. I mean what man in their right mind would accept this.
My other though is going dark since being her friend and family man does not seem to be getting me any closer to my goal. So the past 3 days I have been attempting to go dark. She makes this really difficult she has been calling me, texting me, e-mailing me constantly. I have been pretty much ignoring her, but I have responded atleast once a day to some of her calls or texts. None of her calls have been about the kids so its not like I am neglecting them. Yesterday she called atlest 20 times after I finally return her call she tells me there is a cheap Disney cruise she would like us all to go on. By the way we both are broke and she wants a D. I mean this is crazy. As I am writing this she just sent me a text wanting to go to lunch I just nicely declined. I am still trying the going dark approach and will continue for atlest 2 weeks. Man this is hard.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
If anyone has any advice on going dark I would like to hear about it. I have been trying to go dark the past week and my W is making it very difficult. She simply wants to have her cake and eat it too. I have the kids for the week and she has been doing everything to try and come over. This morning I finally let her come over because I was coming across as mean and I couln't think of any excuses. We got along good, but it is sad to me and dose bring down my mood I still love her and it does hurt to be around her. Then I think well I should be taking advantage of the time I get to be around her. Her mind seems extremely made up about our R being over, but she still wants to hang out although maybe it is just for the kids who knows.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
W called yesterday wanting to go to dinner with me an kids. I said ok and we were getting along very good. After spending a couple hours togther she then brought up how she is now a relationship expert and made some other comments ( A R expert I think she is really losing her mind). She then asked if she could move back to our home town with the kids and I could move back there in a couple years. I kept my cool told her to not ask me to do something that she would not. Well after this she started getting angry about our R. Saying that I will never get it that she will never come back to me and she was getting very angry. Started saying the typical things I am moving on with my life, etc. Funny thing is I didn't even really say anything other than that I don't agree with a divorce. As we departed ways that night I told her it was to bad because we got along so well until the past R stuff was brought up well she was still angry and didn't say much. Later that night she called me and said she was sorry, but that a D is still what she wanted.
I guess I really need to stop accepting invites to do things with her. It is sad because I love being around her and my kids as much as I can. Not sure what to do, but I know she is really in a crazy place right now.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
Trying to keep my distance from W talked to her once yesterday she called to tell me her brother was having a baby. Did not talk to her at all today. Trying to keep my mind off of her and it is very difficult. All contact being made is by her and it has been this way for a long time now.
Anyway haven't talked to her at all today and out of nowhere I get a text saying How have you been? I respond with Ok how are you doing. Well she never sent anything back. Now I am wondering what she was thinking when she sent me that text. Part of me wanted to say I am doing as good as I can, but I miss you. I know I should not say that kind of stuff so I didn't, but part of me wonders is that what she hopes to hear so she knows that I love her. Well who knows what she is thinking and what is the right thing to do. Whatever the right thing is to do I always seem to do the opposite. She even reminded me a couple of weeks ago that If I would have fought for her instead of giving her space (Space she wanted) things would be different.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
It almost seems like your W is playing a cruel joke on you with her illogical responses and plans. It is all part of this WAW syndrome which I still dont quite comprehend.
At least you are still with the house.
Are you taking care of the kids most of the time?
Have your kids had a problem at all with the situation? My S7 has been having some nightmares. I asked him if it was because of our possible D and he said yes. I am trying to educate myself on how to help my kids cope better, but I realize there will still be some problems for them too.
As long as you focus on your kids...that is all that matters now.
