Out of the blue in a very heated D battle, W wants to dismiss the case. Well I'm now protected to well financially to not go through with the D. So W and I have talked and we agree the D should happen and then maybe we can live together and work things out.
Just in the last 2 weeks, we have been spending a lot of time together as a family. Now she is spending about half the nights at home, but sleeps on the couch. She appears very depressed and distraught. Hasn't fully committed to a R as of yet. I'm pretty much acting as if and going along. She even slept on the floor last night. No real physical contact except back and foot rubs, I give her. She is avoiding touching me.
What should I be doing, saying, anything? Any advice would help. I have a thread going over at newcomers, but thought I could use some DB'ers who are experts in piecing.
What do you mean exactly by "protected too well financially" not to go through w/ the D.
Is she just saying she wants to come back for financial reasons maybe?
What were her reasons for deciding that she didn't want the D?
Where has your son been living all this time? with her? What is he thinking about the 2 of them all of a sudden staying in the house?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
She's folding. The question is what should you do now? That's up to you but I think you're going in the right direction. She's terribly afraid of the divorce but for you it's a plus. She's showing remorse, but is afraid to go any further perhaps due to her indecision. She's coming around, but at the last minute and not fully.
I personally think that your divorce is the right thing for you. If she still binds herself to you after that then it's a plus but keep things going forward. Sometimes it's after the fact that things improve.
Let me get some of the questions answered. W had full blown PA, which I'm not really bothered by. Night before temporary hearing W breaks down and says she wants to come home, she loves, etc...Well we have the hearing at 9am, so we have to show and she is going to dismiss. She calls her sister, and tada, D back on. SIL is mad at W because MIL is paying for W's attorney and is paying a fortune. So they convince her she has to do it to protect herself. BTW, I still talk and email with them, but not about W, they do like me, but aren't really sure what happened. Next day sure enough she doesn't dismiss, and we argue the case. Her attorney is the biggest idiot in town, I win on every point, she can't take the house back, or make me sell, she gets no alimony, child support is 179 a month because we make the same and she has S one more day then I do a week. Joint custody.
So after that, I figured she was done. Well she kept trying to contact me. We eventually had a meeting and she said she didn't want the D but her sister is driving it. She wants to dismiss it, but said she will sign a settlement as it relates to the temporary order. So I have it too good to not go through with the D, try and reconcile and sign a prenup next time.
I don't think money is the issue, I have a much higher earning potential in the long run, but for now she makes a little less then me a month, but I'm so far in the red, I'm not sure how it keeps working out each month. So it's no like I'm money bags.
She talks about how great of a guy I am, and how immoral she is, an what a "hussie" she is, and she lost me cause she has no moral compass. Then will just curl up on the floor by the fire in a blanket and stay there all night, like a dog. I've actually thought I hope she doesn't psychologically pop.
Not sure what to do anymore but act zen like, everything rolls off my back. I'm not snooping and W keeps leaving me opportunities but I stay away from them.
Well the pattern continues. It is my night with S, so sure enough W is heading out with "friends" and sounds so bubbly and happy on the phone. I know I have no evidence anymore but I feel in my gut that OM is back in the picture, enough so that I can't dismiss it.
But the pattern is on her night she comes over with S, which I don't mind, I would love to have sole custody. But her nights it is S and I alone and we have a great time, but she is out clubbing. When she is here she is so down it is scary, to the point I think she is going to snap and need real help.
W has never been a real heavy drinker but her hangovers on the weekends are now an all day recovery deal. So basically over the last three weeks I have had S full time. He doesn't want her around anymore and is showing signs of his frustration.
I don't know if she is scared, folding, testing the waters, or what, but something is happening.
I guess all I can do is keep up my life and play like "well you can stay, sure." Then just do my own thing.
So W has spent a few nights at the house sleeping on the couch. One night she took it upon herself to go to the bedroom and put on some of my boxers and t-shirt. The other night I laid some PJ's out and she didn't take.
However, I have noticed a few boxers and t-shirts now missing. I would say a good sign, but no movement from W towards me. So I would think if she is taking these items to her apartment with her, that is good?! Any advice is much appreciated.
Yes. If she wants your clothes it makes her feel close to you. You guys need to either find a GOOD therapist or go to Retrouvaille. You can't stay in this stage for long. It's like she's at the front door, but won't come in. Check out the Retrouvaille website, http://www.helpourmarriage.com, they have weekends coming up in January. The weekend will fix communication problems. Once you have that you have a way to work together on whatever your other problems are. If you want more info on Retrouvaille, feel free to email me. My address is in my profile.
Hmmm, I may be misreading stuff here, but, here is what I though I read: It isn't about money for her. But it sounds like it is for you. Is there any reason the settlement wouldn't be the same if you tried again without the divorce first?
She isn't fully committed. But you want the divorce to go ahead. So why would she fully commit?
The clubbing is bothersome. Could it be she has no clue what to do on a night with no responsibilities?
I'm not making any judgments here, just trying to look at things from other angles!
I don't know if this has been asked on your other thread, but hsa your W been looked at re post natal depression(PND)?
Her behaviour is so erratic. PND can start quite a few months after the baby is born and go on for years. It can be very debilitating. It might account for the strange behaviour and also your W's inability to make her own decisions - letting her sister take control etc...
Just an idea.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Retrouvaille has been discussed, she knows it is one of the things I want, but I think she is afraid to face it. She has brought it up numerous times on her own, and then says she will think it over.
Dry-heat,
Good point, I'm not fully committing, so why should she. On that note, W and I could sign a pre-nup that would enforce what already has occured. But then again it shows a lack of trust and faith on my part. The clubbing is tapering off, even married W's past time is the bar or club.
Saffie,
W's older sister right when her daughter was 2.5 went off the deep end and ended up D'ed. Her story on her H, never added up. W's older sis and Mom all diagnosed with a small call of bi-polar, hypo. W is sure she has it, but then again no decision making, says she should see a doc, but then no follow through.
Mostly, I think staying in this stage for too long is bad. There is no emotion, love or hate. No movement, just a stale mate. All I do is keep being zen like around her, no R talk, etc. But almost feel like I have to make some move. Maybe like dry_heat suggests, tell her I want to throw out the D if is would like.
