Trying to focus on positive

[Jen1967]

This is the first time I've posted a new topic, so here goes: I noticed I have a tendency to be critical, even now, of everything my H is doing since he moved out and got an OW. His big complaint before was I was too critical and never felt like what he did was enough to please me. Now that he's gone and let's face it, it's real easy to be critical of how callous and selfish they're being, I still feel like I am asking him to do more. I've learned to look at myself and be more gentle and less argumentative. But we're supposed to meet them where they are and try to make them feel adequate. Superhuman stuff required of us, the LBSes.

I'm bummed out because even though there has been some decent progress of late with him doing more with the family, I know he's seeing OW and spending inordinate amounts of money on her. This makes me mad. It puts me in a cruddy mood. Plus, he left me with all the house responsibility, so when he does one little thing or sees the kids for a short time, I may not say anything negative, but my mood might seem negative. I realized this today and wrote him an email.

I entitled the subject "Thanks" and wrote everything he's done lately that I have been happy about. I said I'm telling him because I'm trying to communicate better and not assume he knows how I feel. I didn't say "why didn't you mow the backyard?". I said "Thanks for mowing the lawn". (he mowed the front lawn, first time in 6 weeks...last mowing of the season.) I noticed he was trying to spend more time with the baby, which was a complaint I've had. I told him thank you for spending special time with the baby, it makes both me and the baby happy. I added more positive stuff and ignored mentioning the things that angered me. etc... Anyway...I feel like it's hard to DR when there's so much negativity from friends and family, and even within our own inner voice. Another thing I'm going to TRY to do is avoid looking at the credit card spending so I don't know what he's buying her. I usually look at it everyday. We'll see how far this goes...major difficulty on my part.

So I'm writing this to start a new thread on where we can learn to be positive about the good things they're doing. Maybe it will affect the way we treat them, and ultimately, the way they treat us....and how much they want to be around us.

Whadya think? Maybe it will help us DR better.

[Jen1967]

Gee, this went over like a lead balloon. Any takers?

[Mom of 2 2B]

Hi Jen,

I'm with you. I'm trying to do the same thing. I've had a tendency to be critical and overbearing and I'm trying to focus on the positive now. My H left me 2 weeks before our twins were born (and 2 days after I got out of the hospital for pre-term labor for 3 weeks). So it's definitely been a challenge, but I'm finding that it works. I thank him for helping around the house (he still comes over to help me after work despite getting his own apt) and compliment for how great he is with the babies. When we were at a counseling session and I was asked to tell him the things he'd done to hurt me (AWFUL counselor- I walked out early) I instead said that he's done and said some pretty hurtful things in the past month, but also done and said some very wonderful things too. I said that the man I've been married to 10 years (today, incidentally- I'm sitting here eating anniverary cake by myself) is a good man and one day he will return. I said that I'm not certain whether he'll want to be married to me, or I'll still want to be married to him, but holding onto resentment won't make that decision any easiier. And that really got his attention. I think that when they know they're misbehaving and expect our wrath, but instead receive positive feedback, it helps them to follow your lead and act "as if," which causes them to become even better.

Sorry your post didn't get much response- I think you're on the right track. I'm in the same boat. Best of luck!