If the two people are motivated to do that than I agree. But if not, I don't think it's going to work.
LFL
Perhaps true, but sometimes one partner's motivation is enough. My W did not want to go to Retrouvaille. I figured it was worth a shot but didn't expect much. She (and me to a lesser extent), was just using it as a check off. Yep, did MC, did the retreat, ain't working, we are done. Oddly enough though it did open our hearts even though she was not motivated.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
LFL, I can SO relate to your sitch (as hairdog says, many of us can). We can tell ourselves we're imagining it or it will get better or something, but when he comes out and says it-- oooo that hurts!
I do wonder if in saying it out loud, he is trying to get a rise out of you? It just seems so gratuitously cruel and provocative. It reeks of resentment.
And Balto, your points about the male pov are well taken, EXCEPT if you take into account Mr LFL's lack of interest in sex during the separation. I agree that feeling undesired by LFL is a turnoff for him, but what about the times that she did show desire? That didn't seem to lead to anything either.
I do wonder if in saying it out loud, he is trying to get a rise out of you? It just seems so gratuitously cruel and provocative. It reeks of resentment.
I really don't think so Lil. He is very loving in other ways, still. I truly believe he just doesn't "get it." It's just not important to him so he wishes it wasn't important to me. We are just on totally different pages here.
Funny - my "self esteem" is reasonably intact and I am also pretty sure I could find a decent, well adjusted person who would be happy to fcuk me on a regular basis. But would this person also be as good a partner as H? as good with my children? As strong in his faith? as good a financial partner/custodian of our $$? etc....Who knows?
Another D? My children (especially my older 2) need the stability of this M and of my H as a person. They've already experienced D once. Am I worried over the long haul? Oh yes. I am hoping for menopause to bring diminished sex drive with it. If not I must really keep fences tended or I might be swayable. My boss has repeatedly made it clear that he would love to do me but I'm not that dumb and he's not my type.
The thing that bothers me is that sometimes I recognize a "kick the dog" thing going on where the lack of intimacy makes me get unnecessarily grumpy with people (the kids) who have nothing to do with it. That is a problem. When I see it I want to scream at H that if he doesn't want to live with a grumpy B then he should fcuk me once in a while.
The thing that bothers me is that sometimes I recognize a "kick the dog" thing going on where the lack of intimacy makes me get unnecessarily grumpy with people (the kids) who have nothing to do with it.
That is also one of my worst fears about staying in the M. The kids are young at this point and pretty oblivious to the chaos in the M, but as they get older and wiser, I'm sure they will sense my unhappiness. And "if mama's not happy, no one's happy" seems to ring true. I do wish I could just be happy in my M but I just can't get there. I'm feeling a little guilty about that right now.
Quote:
I must really keep fences tended or I might be swayable. My boss has repeatedly made it clear that he would love to do me but I'm not that dumb and he's not my type.
But if he were your type? See what I mean. I just can't see myself "sucking it up" for the rest of my life. I know I would go down a bad road. I know myself well enough there. I might as well be honest with myself for a change.
Funny - my "self esteem" is reasonably intact and I am also pretty sure I could find a decent, well adjusted person who would be happy to fcuk me on a regular basis. But would this person also be as good a partner as H? as good with my children? As strong in his faith? as good a financial partner/custodian of our $$? etc....Who knows?
Another D? My children (especially my older 2) need the stability of this M and of my H as a person. They've already experienced D once. Am I worried over the long haul? Oh yes. I am hoping for menopause to bring diminished sex drive with it. If not I must really keep fences tended or I might be swayable. My boss has repeatedly made it clear that he would love to do me but I'm not that dumb and he's not my type.
The thing that bothers me is that sometimes I recognize a "kick the dog" thing going on where the lack of intimacy makes me get unnecessarily grumpy with people (the kids) who have nothing to do with it. That is a problem. When I see it I want to scream at H that if he doesn't want to live with a grumpy B then he should fcuk me once in a while.
Karen
My advice to you, ask;
"Why wont you have sex with me? That is why I"m always angry with you"
you dont have a link or anything to "your thread". so for those who havent been "following your situation for a while", do you have a pointer?
also...
Originally Posted By: LustForLife
This would all be easier to figure out if he just flat out refused to have any sex with me. But he is still willing to have sex about once a month. Sometimes it is pretty good in fact. Well, he is attentive enough to get me off but when it's "his turn" he likes to have IC but he goes so fast it's over in like two minutes. I've talked to him so many times about just relaxing a bit, slowing down, etc and he never even attempts to do so.
Why get yourself all worked up, over "his" issue? If he goes so fast, and it's all over quickly for him... and that's OK for him... doesnt seem like anything for you to be concerned about either.
Going only by what you have written in this new thread, seems like what you are saying is, "when the two of you have sex, it's mostly all right from your side. it just isnt even close to frequent enough for you".
Is that accurate?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I guess I would say that my knowledge of just how painful my D was to me and to my children makes me willing to suck up the pain of a SSM. I will never cave totally. I will continue to go through periods of trying to address it but I have virtually given up the idea that it is likely to change. It will change only when my H decides he would like a sex life within our M and not a minute sooner. Am I unhappy? Sometimes but mostly not. I guess that is because I do have something to compare it to that was ever so much worse.
I don't know what would happen if I ran across my "type" and he was available and wanted me. Currently I have a co-worker who is screwing around on her husband of about 15 years. He is none the wiser but she flagrantly parades her "new man" around the office, has gone on overnight trips with him and everything. She says he is her "soul mate". I fervently believe that she is going down a road that will only cause pain - to her, her son, her husband and people she couldn't even guess would react that way. I don't think I could do it. However, it is none of my business given that I am her supervisor and she does a good job.
Since my H is truly a great guy I am only sometimes angry at him. I only recognize that I am when I find myself inexplicably angry with someone who has only committed a minor transgression. Then I basically can't find my H since his strategy is to be very "busy" if he senses tension. We have been down the road about sex a million times - he's stressed, tired, feel out of shape, of course he's attracted to me, no, he has no axe to grind with me, he's happy in our M, etc... blah blah blah. I've asked to commit to a schedule - the answer is "No, it isn't flexible or fun to do it that way." Increasingly, I don't give a crap. Then I do and I get tense before I even recognize it. Then I get a grip on myself and carry on.
Dom I've had way too many threads to count on here starting fall of 2005 and frankly I don't even know how to go back to "thread 1". I'm sure it would be an interesting read though. Here's a quick summary: W and H have a SSM from the start H leaves in 2004 with no advance warning after 9 years of M W proceeds to attempt to woo him back to no avail and then decides f-this and finds OM H decides he wants to reconcile around summer of 2005 W comes to this board in turmoil because she is taking him back but still feels very torn. Is it the right thing? W meets all sorts of great people here and attempts to work on the M W still has ups and downs at home and can't really seem to make enough progress on the sex issue W starts forming a close friendship with board member and that causes all sorts of board scandal for a while W also receives email from the separation OM and causes another drama on the board regarding that unfinished business W takes a needed break from all the chaos for a while to commit full force to the M - doesn't make a difference W returns to board yet again and seeks feedback and support W decides enough is enough and here we are today
