Still sad but movin' on

[alamogirl]

Deleted by me. Previous post posted twice .

[MonicaP]

Thanks Jeff and alamogirl for your advice.

Today I filed my last bit of paperwork. Now I just need to "remind" my STBXH.

He made it a point to tell me last Sunday that he has been working a lot, covering another position that he wants to get promoted into. I asked him if it would effect his income but he said they haven't written him a comp plan yet. Hmm, I think he's trying to lead into something he's going to drop later...that's his usual M.O.

Regardless, he needs to disclose his financial information to me in the final declaration and he's procrastinating.

You both sounded very sure that I should push the issue with him. I just want to ask one more time...do you think there's any possibility that his procrastination could be a sign of uncertainty about the divorce (atleast subconsciously)? And if so, would my pushing the issue just jump start him into action when he might benefit from more time???

I know, I know, I'm probably deluding myself. But I've heard stories of other couples where one spouse left to be with another person only to realize their mistake 2 + years later.

Well, it's been 2 years + for us and I guess I'm still hanging on to some minor shred of hope here. Totally crazy!

I don't have any indication that STBXH is unhappy with Ow, the opposite in fact. H seems to be trying to be more friendly with me, but I think it's just his way of trying to make everything "ok" - really, trying to make what he's done "ok".

Well, I am cordial and fairly nice with him, but sometimes I can't handle when he is "too nice" because it just makes me feel like he thinks it's all okay with me - and it's not. I still feel a lot of anger toward what he's done, and I still don't understand why it was so easy for him to leave our M.

I take it day by day. This weekend I have dinner plans with a group of girlfriends which I've been doing every month when S5 is with his dad. It helps. I don't think I'm ready to get involved with anyone new yet, but it's fun to look around.

So...I would really appreciate your thoughts on what I said about the reason for H's procrastination.

Take care and hang in there.

[alamogirl]

Hey Monica,

I don't blame you for hanging on to hope. I still do. I have read that many WAS regret leaving the marriage. I still fantasize that after a year of divorce, my ex will "come to his senses." I share my feelings here because we're all in this together but I would never share it with a family member or anyone else.

Now to your question...I believe that divorce is hard for everyone. No matter how much a person wanted out or how unhappy a person was in their marriage, divorce is like a death...death of a marriage. To me, and others may disagree, but I think divorce is a bigger step than marriage because it's an end to what was once great between two people. When your STBX submits his final papers...that will be it, and he knows it. Will it change anything if you push him, he's still with the OW, right? I think you know the answer to that :-(.

This is the way I look at it...I've moved on or at least, I'm trying to move on. I don't e-mail or call him unless I'm replying to his e-mail or phone call. Of course, I fantasize like I said earlier, but my plans for my future don't include him. However, for now, I'm leaving the door open. IF, and that's a big IF, my ex were to come around in the near future, I would be open to something, and if it's too late, then it's too late.

I think you need to get on with your life. Keep doing what you're doing going out with friends. If your STBX comes to his senses and starts to come around, you will know if you want him in or out of your life, but at least, you wouldn't have stopped living. Good luck to you. We'll keep in touch.

All my best,
alamogirl

[JMC]

I can very much relate to this thread. My WAW (probably MLC) finally got back to me last week six weeks after I sent her D papers (we are trying to do this ourselves). She noticed an error in the 401-k spreadsheet, which I corrected and mailed earlier this week. No word from her. There is an OM, and there has been an EA with a married man in another state, and a one-nighter this past summer just to add to the variety (yes, I have done a lot of snooping). Like Monica, I wonder about the hesitation, but I guess that is just wishful thinking. I continue to try and GAL.

I, like those on this thread, would welcome reconciliation. It all seems so senseless.

I share my feelings here because we're all in this together but I would never share it with a family member or anyone else.

Exactly! Family and friends have no idea unless they have gone thru it as well (very few of my family and friends have experienced this).

I don't e-mail or call him unless I'm replying to his e-mail or phone call. Of course, I fantasize like I said earlier, but my plans for my future don't include him.

This is how I act as well. The whole thing is very sad. We used to call/email each other at least 5x per day. I so miss her companionship, but realize, like you wrote, that I must detach and GAL.

Thanks for the thread, and good luck to everyone.

[alamogirl]

Hey Monica,

Just checking in with you. Any updates?

[alamogirl]

We used to call/email each other at least 5x per day. I so miss her companionship, but realize, like you wrote, that I must detach and GAL.

Hey JMC,

I know how you feel. My ex always e-mailed me every morning before he left for school. Every morning, I looked forward to seeing my daily "Morning Wife" e-mails. I still miss those e-mails. The whole thing is indead sad :-(.

Hang in there.

All my best,
alamogirl

[JMC]

Thanks Alamogirl - you too!

[MonicaP]

Hi Alamogirl,

Thanks for checking in. I get so caught up in life and I'm usually so exhausted by the end of the day I don't check my computer. But here I am.

Still nothing from STBXH. Actually, I was going to bring up the issue with him a couple of weeks ago when he told me he lost his job (lay off at the company). Fortunately he already started a new job this week, but the timing just hasn't been right to bring it up yet. I think within the next 2 weeks I'll have a chance. I'm resigned to it.

I can relate to your last post and the post from JMC (sorry if I got the name wrong). I definitely realize that my fantasy about having ex come back is just a fantasy. I live my life in the now and that means I am a single, working mom in the midst of a divorce. I work at co-parenting and somehow we have managed to find a good balance in that respect. We both can agree that our S5 is the priority - and that's all we have left of our relationship. I don't involve myself in any other aspect of his life. I don't ask questions and when he volunteers info (and he does at times) I just nod and smile. To be honest I just don't want to know what he's doing, thinking or feeling. I guess it just reminds me that he's leading a new life with Ow now and all his experiences involve her. It still hurts when I let my mind go there so I try not to.

I have gone out several times in the last months for "girls' night". A group of us meets for dinner and then dancing. I am open to dating but just haven't met anyone yet. I've never been the kind of person to date more than 1 person at a time so I'm pretty picky about who I go out with. Honestly I don't have time to go out with anyone I know I'm not really interested in. Anyway, I totally believe that when the time is right someone will appear. Right now I wouldn't want anything serious anyway. I feel like my divorce needs to be final before I have the right to open myself to a serious relationship.

At least I'm thinking about it as a possibility. It's still hard to imagine myself falling love with anyone but my H, it just doesn't seem right. But I've got to accept reality. He's still going strong (I guess) w/ Ow and shows no sign of missing me at all.

I just keep praying that I will be able to truly let go of him - from my heart - so that I can move on emotionally. It's been more than 2 years since our S and I still have moments where I just can't believe this has all happened. It's totally crazy! Our marriage seemed so sacred to both of us, guess not.

Life goes on and I am happy most days, my S5 is the true love of my life, my job is good and keeps me busy, I have good friends, I'm gearing up to look for a house, and I'm losing some weight
:-)

I hope all is well with you. I will try to check in more often.

Take care,

[MonicaP]

Finally asked STBXH to complete his final paperwork. I asked him what it has taken so long and he said he couldn't find the time to file them in the court which is an hour from where he lives. Meanwhile he is in the area once a week for S5.5, so he could arrange to go there before he picks S up.

I said I thought he would have done it quicker since he should be so "excited" to get D and he replied, "doing what I think is right and being excited about it are two different things". I said I wondered if he had any feelings about it all and he said "I do". Then we both drove off.

I saw him later at my home while he was with S5 and he kept trying to talk to me about his new job and the parent=teacher conference we just had. I was trying to read and he wouldn't stop talking. What is that about? Is he just trying to act as if it's all better and we can be friends.

I am as good as it gets when it comes to co-parenting, but being "friendly" with the man who left me for Ow just feels weird. I'm not ready for that. I don't know that i ever will be.

Better go...

[alamogirl]

Hey Monica,

Gosh, I had hoped by now that your STBX would have filed the declaration.

The other day, my ex called and wanted to schedule a time to come by to pick up the last of his stuff. He still has his son's twin bed in my shed.

He actually was going to come last Tue (11 Mar) but it was raining so we rescheduled for that Thu (13 Mar). He called on Thu around 8:40 pm and said that he couldn't come because he was still in Austin. I said, "ok." There was a small pause on his part. Then he told me that he was at a job site. Again, I said, "ok." Finally, he told me he was painting houses to make ends meet. Once again, I said, "ok." I think each time, he thought I was going to ask him 1) why was he in Austin, 2) where did he work, and 3) what kind of job was he working. Well, I didn't ask him any questions. I just kept saying, "ok."

I feel just like you do. I don't think I could ever be friends with my ex.

Nice to hear from you. Take care and hope your ex files soon.

All my best,
alamogirl