Hello Everyone...I'm new even though I've been here before...
H and I were sepereated a year and a half ago...got back together and were Extremely happy for a year and a half.
Well...This Thanksgiving all hell broke loose. We had a huge fight. I have a 4 month daughter and she was put in the middle...H thought I was taking her away. H was a little drunk and took things out of context...Families got involved...UGLY things were said and done on both sides and when we came back home (fight happened out of town) he moved his stuff out.
I've been pretty strong. We met for lunch last week where he told me I went crazy. H spoke with so much hate and anger and can not at all see where he is wrong. I didn't pursue trying to show him because I knew I would just fuel the fire. H said he doesn't want to be with me, etc. I left it alone and wrote a brief email just telling him that I don't want a divorce but i will respect whatever he decides to do. Since then we took our daughter to see Santa and had a nice dinner out...laughed, talked, etc.
But since the Santa trip communication has been all about our baby. Never ugly just about her. He picks her up every morning and we are pleasant. But that is the very thing that gets to me even though I don't show it.
I am letting him lead since he has said he doesn't want to be with me. It is just difficult because he shows no emotion with me and seems that he doesn't care about me. I know I can't see what is going on in his mind but I want to turn the tides. Anyway...here are my goals in the meantime:
1)I want H to show interest in my life...ask me about what's going on in my life 2)I want H to invite me along when he picks up baby 3)I want H to come back home
I realize that I have to give him space and not talk about us because in his mind there is no us. I guess I just need to come here and vent and if anyone wants to give some perspective that would be awesome.
Hi, sorry to see you here! Firstly, I think you need to take the blinders off here, you say you were extremely happy together for the past 1.5 years. Now, one fight does not make a partner move out especially one who is "extremely happy". I don't mean to sound cruel here but it all couldn't have been roses. Look beyond the fight because I think those are probably the real reasons for the fight in the first place and his sudden departure. Secondly, your proposed goals are all things HE is going to do, what are you gonna do? We can only control what we do, not what our S's do. Set goals based on what YOU are going to do to get to where you want your sitch to be. this is a lousy place to be, especially at Christmas but I suggest you sit back, don't panic and show H the person you want to be. Don't talk D with him, if he wants it let him do the work. You want your M so put your energy there. I hope this helps, hang in there!
I guess you are right...i guess I say we were happy because we communicated more than when we first were married, had a great time together, went through a wonderful pregnancy, had a beautiful baby girl, etc. However, the month before this big fight some old habits were coming up again. It was evident we still didn't know how to argue healthy.
My goals...
Definitely church and God first Be the best mom Work out consistently Read Be a better friend
Better! Now, concretize those goals with some action statements. How will you be a better friend? What will you do. What do you need to do to be the "best mom". We can only judge our success when we have specific actions to evaluate. Vagueness just makes that achievement less likely. Make sense?
I thought goals (from reading DR)were needed to describe what we wanted out of our marriage. Maybe there are two sets of goals...one for yourself and one for your marriage?
Anyway, H came by this morning to take baby girl to sitter. We were nice, usual good mornings, etc. He asked how the baby slept. I told him she is getting a little skirmy. He proceeded to tell me how she was with him and asked if she fought her sleep. Chit chatted around the subject. She has so much hair and we laughed because she looks so cute when she wakes up...all happy with a crazy hairdo. i went downstairs to get her bag ready.
I walked outside without shoes on and H seemed very concerned because he said there might be nails, etc. Told him I didn't realize the mess outside the condo. Small chit chat, etc. felt a little good he actually seemed concerned about me and not about the baby.
H was supposed to pick up baby girl last night but had to work late so he didn't make it by. I was a little sad because I had made dinner and had plans to be all non-chalet about asking him to stay for dinner if he wanted.
Anyway, this morning he asked since he didn't pick up baby girl last night if he could please pick her up tonight. I said please do...H said,"why, you have somewhere to go?" I said "yeah...just want to get to the gym. I was dressed to go yesterday so I'm anxious to go today since it didn't work out last night." He went on to explain how late he got out, had to give a ride, baby would've been asleep....I just let him talk. Walked them out and told him to have a good one.
My plan AGAIN is to have dinner ready and tell him he can have some if he's hungry. If not, no biggie...I'll just have left overs for a few days.
One last thing...on his way out he mentioned one of our best frieds is coming into town Thursday and staying a couple of nights. I know it will be a drunk-fest and I won't be invited to see him. Not sure why he mentioned it knowing I would have no plans with them. Maybe he just wanted to make it known why he will out of pocket Thurs./Fri. night.
No biggie...Just have to let him be. If I leanred anything it's I can't change a thing about him just can chnage my attitude.
H just came over to pick up baby girl. We had a pleasant conversation. I was nursing so he had to wait a little so that baby could finish. While I was nursing he talked to me about his work...his new boss. It went on a bit. I asked hubby if he wanted to go grab something to eat but I was REJECTED. He thought about it for a couple of seconds and said he really wasn't hungry. I said ok and we went on to have more conversation.
I am heading to the gym so that I can start GAL. I am glad though that we lingered into a good conversation. I just would really like him to be more interested in my life. That would show me he is interested still. He still hasn't invited me out with him and baby but I will continue to be pleasant, no R talk and see if things change.
