Hello one and all. I was part of the DB online community earlier this spring, and I had what many (myself included) considered a miracle. After months of feeling I could not reach my husband (who said he wanted a divorce), I backed off, focused on my life and my daughter's, and planned for my new situation. I wasn't happy about it, but I knew I had to do it.
Long story short: We had divvied up the finances, we had an appraiser come to the house so we could figure out a settlement payment (so I could remain in the house), and we were getting ready to have "the talk" with our daughter. A few days later, hubby comes home, said we need to talk ... and proceeds to tell me how he feels like he's making a major mistake, he realizes that much of this is his fault, he had unreasonable and unfair expectations, and he sees how he could have and should've been a better husband. (If you like, view the history by searching for threads with my name SamCatMom in them.)
I thought long and hard and agreed to try to reconcile, although I didn't and still don't at times trust the situation. The first two or three months after we decided to stay together were great, truly the honeymoon phase. Now, things have slipped and I want to know how to get them back on track.
My husband has struggled a great deal with a challenging economy and the employment situation. He's a very smart man, very hard-working, but struggles with self-esteem and I think he underestimated how much losing a job a year ago and how difficult starting and sustaining a business would be. It has been stressful to say the least.
The biggest challenge is I feel like we are having such a hard time connecting. Some days I feel like we are roommates, and that's precisely the problem that got us here in the first place. Why is it so hard to talk to each other? Why, when we're supposed to take the best care of the people we love most, do we often do the very opposite?
We have seen a counselor, and now, after this very long road, my husband seems to be pulling away from the counselor's advice. Before, he swore by this woman's vision and thoughts on our relationship (and I was often the one in denial and angry). Now, as she's telling him it's time to make a choice and stick with it - basically grow up - he doesn't want to hear it. He's struggled a long time with being able to speak his mind and make his feelings heard, but he doesn't seem to see that that doesn't give him free license to walk on someone's feelings OR that it doesn't mean he'll always be right.
I am a very outspoken person, and I can be viewed (I suppose) as controlling, but I honestly feel it's because if I don't do it, who will? I would love to have my husband be more take-charge, but I don't see it happening. Am I holding him back in some way?
I love this man and I believed a long time ago that he would always love me. The last year has decidedly changed my belief. I never viewed divorce as an option, although I do understand now why he felt it was his only option. (Again, history is in the threads ... :O)
I guess the point of my post is: As someone who has had the gift of getting a second chance with marriage, with someone who is genuinely a good person and has a good heart, what we can we do to ensure we make it? What tools can we use to get over those rough communication hurdles?
I would love, love, love to hear from anyone who has been in this boat. Second chances are rare, and I want to make the most of it! Thanks!
Me: 39 Him: 38 Married: 12 years Together: 18 years one daughter (7)
SCM, I would say keeping balance and self-care in your life, so that you are healthy enough to do the hard work of Piecing is important. Maintain GAL activities and interests throughout the Piecing process.
This is what my IC emphasized to me. He says that there can only be a healthy M with two healthy individuals. Don't let the stress of Piecing take away the positives you've cultivated for yourself, or the balance you've achieved in your own life.
Once you've laid this foundation, then you develop the skills you need to keep from slipping back into old patterns in your M. The compulsion to slip back into old unhealthy patterns will come knocking at your door.
In DB, we first revitalize ourselves to balance and expand our lives. The task in Piecing is to reinvent ourselves as a spouse, by developing the relational skills we lacked before.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You pretty much described my H and me, same roles. My H has a hard time expressing what he feels/doesnt' like etc. And I always speak up and prob don't give him chance to talk because I think what I"m saying should be alright. I've asked my H to write down the things I do/say that make him feel i'm beign controlling (I'm trying my darnest to not be, but I prob still come off as controlling since I take care of everything inthe house, finances, kids, etc, so it's 2nd nature to me_)
My H also was shown that he needs to make a decision, and he didn't like being confronted that way. Maybe our Hs don't want to be wrong? perhaps the years of passive agressive and poor communication dont' give him the confidence to speak still?
Focus on communication skills without putting your H in the spotlight, since obviously that's not working and having adverse reactions (again, same happen with my H and I at C, C asked him point blank questions and my H would say nothing and ended up feeling attacked).
What makes your M life seem like a roomate sitch? what can be changed? do you guys go out regularly, just the two of you? does he know he's the most important person in your life?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you both for taking the time to write. I think I completely underestimated what work it would take to get and keep us on track. We both carry our baggage and suffer demons, and I think we both have to work hard to remember to see the positives. He especially, I have to say, is one who tends lately to see the darker side of life, and really with no good reason. I fear getting to a point where I just can't take that "everything sucks" attitude. And he wasn't always like this.
I am going to dive back into the DB materials and get a handle on this. I remain convinced that I can do enough for both of us at this point. Sometimes one of you has to be the stronger of the two, and have enough faith for both ... I guess this is one of those times.
Our counselor is pretty good, I think, and she has helped us both on an individual basis. But my husband has some deeper issues to tackle yet. Whether he does is a factor in how we're able to move forward.
Hi, I do not know your sitch but just want to add an opinion on the "If I don't do it, who will" part. I used to feel the same way. I am definitely not a "controlling" person, my H is. But I take charge of the kids. But during all these, I have learnt to let go. When H takes care of the kids, instead of "here's the schedule for meal time, what to eat, what to play, when to play, how much TV, what games to play, when to do homework, etc." I just say "Please make sure they finish their homework". So what if they watch TV for half a day and do not complete the homework? Well, it's only one day. I only do the most important things now. Anything regarding H, I leave it alone. If he forgets to do something for himself, I no longer remind him. It is now his responsibility. So sometimes we have to turn around and get (whatever) and we will be late. But that's OK.
I was also flipping through DB book. One thing is, go SLOW. Apparently WAS is lots slower than us. May be your H feels overwhelmed by the counselor on his/her sugggestions and got defensive. take care
Thank you! You're absolutely right about that aspect of our relationship. I have learned the hard way that although I think I am helping, I inevitably make him feel like a 5-year-old. That's great for a relationship. However, I do feel kinda "damned if I do, damned if I don't" in some situations, because when I don't speak up to remind about something, it often ends up in a situation that screws me over in some way. But I guess that is what it takes to get the point across.
And I see the way my mom is, and I love my mom - don't get me wrong - but I see aspects of her in myself; aspects that drive me crazy!! And I see how that could be a problem. The funny thing is, I believe I would LOVE to have my H be more of a take-charge person, and take some of that off of me. He's a great dad, much more involved than lots of men I know, but when it comes to the little details - things he never ever has to think about I'm sure - it's always me. And when I try to explain that to him, he doesn't get it. It could just be a man-woman difference type of thing. I'm not sure.
All I know is he's up north hunting this weekend and I felt a definite sense of relief when he walked out the door: mostly because he's been so grouchy about his work situation, and I'm just tired of feeling like I'm on eggshells all the time.
I'm pretty tired, gonna head to bed. It has been a long, long day! I will scour the other boards for some insight; I know there is a lot of experience in these forums.
