She WILL get angry when you expose her affair. If you can't handle her anger, then you don't need to be listening to me. She will get over it eventually.
For everyone. I have learned that you never trust your best friend when it comes to your wife or your husband. Best friend affairs are second only to workplace affairs, and online affairs are neck and neck with best friend affairs.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
LISTEN TO NOP, he knows what he's talking about, whether you think you want to do what he says or not or think it is too hard or maybe she'll leave, etc. HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
Remember and listen to me: SHE had the A, is still having the A, WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND, for goodness sake!! If I were having an A, I honestly have to say the best thing that my H could do would be, as NOP said, to MAN UP and TELL her that SHE'S DONE w/ OM. TAKE HER BACK. Don't worry that you may lose her by your actions, she's already kind of gone. I would think if you really want to get her back, you need to be the man and whip her into shape.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I have learned that you never trust your best friend when it comes to your wife or your husband.
Yeah, blackfoot can confirm this, too.
Bomber: This is all good advice. Feel free to email me at slinky22 at gmail.com if you need any more advice. My 1st wife had an affair and I handled it TOTALLY THE WRONG WAY.
With regard to shining a light on her behavior, remember this: Openness moves to health; secrecy leads to pathology.
All, Thanks for the advice and support. While sitting in the airport yesterday feeling lower than crap, I called my DB coach. She echoed some of the things you said NOP, and we are going to use the "last resort" approach.
I got home, took a deep breath to "man-up", and hit her right between the eyes.
She denied everything.
They're "just friends."
They've "never had any sex."
The emails were "just harmless flirting."
I asked, "Have you ever wondered how his wife might feel about your harmless flirting?" And then, as I was coached, I just dropped it. She fumed, and I let her. I have planted the seed. She has some things to think about. For the rest of the evening, I left her alone. I acted happy and cheerful, like I was totally unaffected. I did not pursue her, badger her, etc. I gave her her space. I did not tell her I loved her.
This morning, when I left for work, she sought me out and gave me a kiss goodbye. Twice. I didn't say a word.
An emotional affair like this is a funny thing. After 23 years of marriage, hearing her tell another man that she loves him just rips my heart out. I think I'd almost feel better if she'd had sex with him instead.
It just doesn't get any lonelier than this. I went to bed last night and almost wished I wouldn't wake up...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
It just doesn't get any lonelier than this. I went to bed last night and almost wished I wouldn't wake up...
BTDT!!! But you know what? You did wake up and you'll do the same tomorrow and the next day and........ This WILL get better. I'm not saying everything is going to be up and up...I know I kept hitting lows and wondered how I was ever going to get through my wife's affair. I took each day as they came, occupied myself the best I could with things that I liked to do..excercise, projects, hunting..whatever. The problems were still there, doing these things didn't make them magically disappear...they just help re-enforce my sense of self-worth and pretty soon, when I laid my head down to sleep...I wanted to wake up the next morning
Thanks IMconfused. My DB coach told me the same thing. This is time to focus on myself. I just took ten minutes and went out in the woods and cried my eyes out. Then I stopped and came back in and worked on something that gives me a small bit of pleasure.
Cemar...I'm not telling anyone anything. If my approach is effective, and my wife eventually gets her sh_t together, then SHE can tell the other wife what's going on. Let HER deal with the firestorm. As per my DB coach, I'm not going to tell the world, pull in friends and relatives, etc. Coercing them to stop will only make them want each other more. One or the other of them has to get their head out of their butt and make the decision for themselves to stop. This is HER f____g problem. I'm going to work on taking care of myself.
See...look at me. Now I'm mad. Twenty minutes ago I was crying my friggin eyes out. What a rollercoaster....
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Hairdog, That's a big negative on the ending all contact thing. DB coach said don't do it...coercion won't work. It will just make her want him more, and she'll take it underground.
She has to want to end it. I think deep down she's probably questioning her behavior. My job is to help those questions burn, burn, burn.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
I don't agree with the DB counselor. As Nop said, these relationships don't usually survive the light of being revealed.
I don't even agree that it's "coercion." You're not coercing her to leave him and come back to you. You're presenting consequences to her actions -- her bad actions. This was HER bad decision. What are you supposed to do? Just wait for her to come back to you? Sorry, but this doesn't appear to me to be a very proactive plan to save the marriage.
