If you remember from my earlier thread (I'm in Agony Here...), I was struggling with my wife's LD and trying to get to the bottom of it. Many of you suggested that my wife might be having an affair. I dismissed that, and decided that it was menopause, work stress, etc., etc.
You were right. I was wrong. It's an emotional affair. No sex, but there might as well be...it feels just as devastating.
I'm currently staying at my best friend's house. Last night I stumbled upon her private little cache of emails on my best friend's computer.
I can't describe how I feel. I feel like I could just die right now.
Any words of encouragement you can give me will help. I'm trying to take one minute, one hour at a time. But it's hard...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
You need the infamous NOP for this one. Hopefully he'll see your thread soon.
More details -- is he someone you know? One of those friends that you sent the pics to? How long has it been going on? What is being said in the emails, etc.
Obviously, if you are staying at a friend's house, you have confronted her w/ this, right? What was said?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
It's an old friend. Yes, he got the pics. It's been going on for a little over a year. In the emails she describes what she wants to do to him, talks about masturbating, tells him she loves him, etc.
I went to visit the friend for a week. That's when I discovered the emails on his computer...totally by accident. I have not confronted either one of them. I'm flying home today.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Color me not at all surprised, but I'm very sorry to hear you have to deal with this. And I second the advice about Nopkins. He's the resident "how to deal with an affair" expert and great at coaching guys on how to handle the crisis.
Anyone here on the board still in contact with him that could point him to bombardier's thread?
I've got nothing to say other than I'm sorry for your pain. Reading your post brought back lots of feelings from when I found out about wife's affair. I'm sorry buddy, I know what pain you're in. I wish I had more to say.
I don't think all guys conform to the "guy code" you refer to. One of my H's really good friends started an EA w/ me after H left. It all started when he came over to help me w/ the weed eater. Honestly, I was totally innocent -- he texted me later and told me he got a hard on when he pulled up in front of our house & saw me. Anyway, I think it happens more often than not that it's a "friend."
I would also say that, from this experience, I bet it's not going to be as *exciting* once they know you know. It could die out just b/c of that. I would venture to say that a lot of EA's continue and just happen in general b/c of the "honeymoon" phase & the excitement, etc. that is going on.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 12/10/0704:14 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I would also say that, from this experience, I bet it's not going to be as *exciting* once they know you know. It could die out just b/c of that. I would venture to say that a lot of EA's continue and just happen in general b/c of the "honeymoon" phase & the excitement, etc. that is going on.
{IC nodding his head in agreement} I know once I found out about wife and OM, that pretty much ended it. Who knows, maybe it was ending naturally but my guess is that the excitement had worn off once it was exposed.
If you remember from my earlier thread (I'm in Agony Here...), I was struggling with my wife's LD and trying to get to the bottom of it. Many of you suggested that my wife might be having an affair. I dismissed that, and decided that it was menopause, work stress, etc., etc.
You were right. I was wrong. It's an emotional affair. No sex, but there might as well be...it feels just as devastating.
I'm currently staying at my best friend's house. Last night I stumbled upon her private little cache of emails on my best friend's computer.
I can't describe how I feel. I feel like I could just die right now.
Any words of encouragement you can give me will help. I'm trying to take one minute, one hour at a time. But it's hard...
HI, B50.
I will give you some cursory pointers, but I don't think I have the time to really do your case justice right now. Sorry.
My style of dealing with affairs differs somewhat from the DB approach, but it still integrates pretty well with it in dealing with ongoing affairs. I like to aggressively get affairs ended ASAP, then deal with the clean up.
First rule, never leave your home. You don't move out, she does if anyone is to leave.
Second rule, she is capable of anything, including having you thrown in jail, or filling false charges against you in court to have you removed. There is almost never a penalty for false accusations against men. False accusations are simply dismissed with a wink and a nod by the judicial system.
With that in mind, gather your evidence before you confront her, expose to her parents, your parents and children (in an age appropriate way) as close as possible to the same time that you confront her with the evidence.
Do NOT help her keep her nasty little secret. If her relationship with the other man was so wonderful, why is she keeping it secret? The fact is, fantasies die fast when the light of truth is shined upon them.
Don't waste your time on marital counseling before you are certain the affair has ended, and a month has passed before you do, otherwise you are wasting your money as she will be mostly unreachable.
Stop being reactionary immediately. Drop all your anger. Stop all begging and pleading. Dress well, smell good. Don't allow yourself to drop into a depression. Do NOT behave in needy, grabby, placating behavior. Basically man-up.
Oh, and finally, don't believe ANYTHING she says. All cheaters lie. Period. You can't have one without the other. Also, don't believe that it wasn't physical. For now, just assume that it was. It will help you later on.
Please let me know if you think you can do all that.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
