It's been a year since the D, I need some help

[Tom_DT]

I am 46, D with 2 grown kids. Was on here a couple of years ago. I could REALLY USE some help.

I am really losing it.

My X wants us to be friends, but I always want so badly for us to get back together. This causes her to not even want to see me or take my phone calls. So I am even more lonely.

She tried to invite me to dinner the other night but I was already at home from work, and we could not get together. Now she does not want to see me.

I don't think she is having too much fun being alone. She is self-employed and has no health insurance and has to work all the time. I don't think she is seeing anyone.

I have someone that I hang out with but nothing more. It sure helps having someone around the house most of the time. If not I would have gone crazy a long time ago. I can't seem to think of the rest of my life alone though, but can't seem to move on.

I just feel like my X and I SHOULD be together and don't want to let anything get in the way emotionally.

If you have grown kids should they be kept out of any discussions about you and your X?

Well I'll stop rambling.

[JMC]

Tom - it sounds as if your ex may be interested. Who knows. Were I you I would try to go to dinner, not talk about getting back together etc... generally DB. I realize this is easier said than done.

If there is no OM, why not take her up?

I have someone that I hang out with but nothing more. It sure helps having someone around the house most of the time. If not I would have gone crazy a long time ago. I can't seem to think of the rest of my life alone though, but can't seem to move on.

Does this person know of your desire to get back with your ex? I also see someone casually. She is a great woman, fun to be with and a long-time friend from work. I have been very upfront with her about my interest in my ex.

I have a grownup daughter, and I try not to discuss her mother unless my D brings her up.

[Tom_DT]

Thanks for the reply. The girl I am seeing does not know about my desire to get back with my X, but we both already decided that the relationship we have is not going to marriage. There is a 16.5 age difference. She wants me to find someone else but will be hurt if I do.

I would be glad to have dinner with my X, but she won't and now I have done so much with the calling and things that she won't take my calls. She only responds to parts of e-mails that have to do with the kids.

She seems unhappy, but does not seem to think she can be happy with me at all.

I should have stayed active on this site and someone would have kept me from making all these mistakes.

I can't bear to think of the future alone or really with someone else because that is not how it is supposed to be. It makes all the happy memories of my family hurt too.

[JMC]

I would be glad to have dinner with my X, but she won't

I am confused. In your first post it seemed to me that she had invited you to dinner.

I should have stayed active on this site and someone would have kept me from making all these mistakes.

Do not beat yourself up, it seems from other testimonials on this site that it is never too late. I have backslide numerous times (don't get me wrong, I am no success story) Going forward try and DB. If she does not have OP, it would seem there are better chances that she may one day be receptive.

I can't bear to think of the future alone or really with someone else because that is not how it is supposed to be. It makes all the happy memories of my family hurt too.

I feel the same way. Not so much worrying about being alone, but I simply miss my life the way it was. I am not suggesting everything was perfect, but it does not have to be like this (separated and soon to file for divorce). I miss family dinners, parties, etc.. - especially this time of year. I now look forward to the new year so that the memories of seasons past will not be so prevalent.

Others have used the phrase "let go, and let God." Not sure how we are to do this, but sometimes I find peace if I keep telling myself this over and over when I get emotional (still almost once a day 10 months after she moved out).

Good luck Tom.

[RonJon]

Tom, A couple of notes, first go read the Divorce Remedy book again, its got the same or better advice than you would have got off these boards while you were gone. The second thing is something I've learned through experience and that's to not be afraid of being alone. I was afraid of losing the ex when the D started, afraid of losing the kids, they were upper teens at the time. But like most things, the trepidation of the possibility turned out to be much worse than reality. Since the D started, and it's been about a year since finalized, I've been promoted at work, got a Master's degree, am in the best shape of my life and dating around. All on my own which feels great, and to those that that say they couldn't have done this or that without ___, they have not experienced that type of life, living on their own, to make a qualified statement. Stop chasing her, be strong, and she may come back to you on her own. Best of luck, RonJon

[Jeff223]

I agree with Ron Jon. Stop *needing* her and things may work out for you.

My X wants us to be friends

First try to be friends, nothing more.

I just feel like my X and I SHOULD be together

Every time you say "should" you induce suffering. "Should" is something you cannot control and trying to control what you cannot is suffering.

Adopt a different mindset. Try to make friends with her first and see where it leads.

Sure, she does not want to see you when you are acting like a needy guy. Don't be needy. Move on with your life as Ron Jon suggested.

If you have grown kids should they be kept out of any discussions about you and your X?

Leave the kids out of it. They are hurt enough with the D - don't put them in the middle of your problems.

Luck.