To me the night doesn't sound that bad. At least I think that you did real well. You listened and validated her feelings even when you might not have agreed with them and they were hard to hear. She's obviously confused as to what she's doing in life right now. You let her know that you think that things can be better.
W is defiantly confused - I think part of her misses 'us', but she won't let her defenses down in order to try again. Maybe that will happen with time.
Originally Posted By: bhopeful
I don't think that you are in a worse place than you were before. If anything you know more information now, right? I don't think that you need to do anything different right now. You need to be a pillar of strength and consistency because she is confused and lost.
I agree - She is looking for reliability and a lack of turmoil in her life, which obviously she isn't doing too well at right now. I had a pretty rough morning, but I feel much better now. We're having dinner with her Mom (she is taking care of D while we're out of town), so we're going to have lots of time to ourselves over the next couple of days.
Originally Posted By: bhopeful
It sounds like she's talking about the infatuation stage of a relationship. Are you speaking her love language? I'm not sure how you get her to realize that real love is a choice, but that's the realization it seems like she needs to come to. I'm sure that you already know this though...
Her love language is service (I think - It's certainly not any of the other ones), but she fiercely resists anyone doing stuff for her because she is afraid no one is 'dependable'. I've been able to do a few bits and pieces over the last couple of months, but it isn't anything particularly significant. Plus she most likely thinks it's just BS to win her back, rather than 'real' desire to help her.
Brit, I'm sure the part about the house selling next month sucks. As others said, nothing else really seems new. Just keep taking it one day at a time, you do so well with that. I don't think any of our WAS will let their guard down easily no matter how much they miss us. Yes they all want US to change, but they don't want to give us credit when we do. Your W is clearly still confused, but she is obviously still examining your R. Don't give up on her or you.
Just got home from our trip. I think we did 450 miles in a day - Not too bad, but still pretty exhausting. Overall it was a positive experience - We talked, slept together and had a lot of fun. I was particularly flirty and playful with her, and while she didn't respond in kind, she never told me not to do it and she just laughed and told me that it tickled at times
W and I talked a lot both there and back, but we only had R talk on the way down. The highlights I can remember
1) W asked me if I could 'move close by' when I move in January and that she didn't want me 'not to be around'.
2) W told me "I do love you, and I respect you". I'd not told her ILY at all that day, and she just came out with it. W's criteria for a relationship are "love, trust and respect".
3) W said that she has been reading a lot and understands that she is very controlling and has lots of bad habits. She also added that she does 'inappropriate' things to deal with her problems. I didn't push her to elaborate, but she has previously referred to her relationship with OM as inappropriate. She said she needs to learn how to change her habits and avoid doing things that cause more problems.
4) W added that she was wrong to not trust me and that she overreacted to lots of things because she was stressed. She also said that she had put unreasonable expectations on me that I could never live up to.
Sleeping together was nice - She told me that she still sleeps on 'her' side of the bed. We always slept pretty separate, but we cuddled together this morning for a long time before we got going. We'd not spend that much time together in a long while - Maybe a couple of months. No fighting, no stress - It was really nice.
D and I drove W back to her house, as she had left her car there - D was really upset when we left without W, so when I got home W IMed me and told me she was really upset that she had made D sad and that she was a bad parent. W found it really hard to leave D when I left, so maybe her brain is going over all of that stuff.
W also asked if she could come over on Sunday and hang out with D and I. I talked to her about going out tomorrow night together, but she said she wasn't sure when I reminded her today. I guess we will see.
Brit, I'm sure the part about the house selling next month sucks. As others said, nothing else really seems new. Just keep taking it one day at a time, you do so well with that. I don't think any of our WAS will let their guard down easily no matter how much they miss us. Yes they all want US to change, but they don't want to give us credit when we do. Your W is clearly still confused, but she is obviously still examining your R. Don't give up on her or you.
My W has been far more talkative recently - It's weird that she is even admitting her own faults and problems now. Maybe she is realizing that she isn't really making things better by what she is doing. She complained a lot about having no money and being lazy about paying bills.
We're still talking on IM - She is being really complimentary towards me and talking a lot about how I was really good to her when we were out of town. Odd :-)
Your trip sounds like it was very positive, Brit. I am amazed at all the things your wife told you. It really sounds like she is looking deep within herself and realizes that you both need or needed to change. It must have felt great to cuddle with her in the morning and feel that connection again.
It is so hard when they say they are being a bad parent. At one time my H was the worlds greatest father. Our H as kind of drifted him and the Ds apart. One of my biggest hopes is that relationship is repair. I am glad your W is seeing that D needs her. It seems to me like she has been very disconnected from her and that connection may be getting repaired.
Your trip sounds like it was very positive, Brit. I am amazed at all the things your wife told you. It really sounds like she is looking deep within herself and realizes that you both need or needed to change. It must have felt great to cuddle with her in the morning and feel that connection again.
W really tells me a lot of things - I know I don't get the whole truth or everything that is on her mind, but she shares a great deal. I know she probably doesn't tell other folks, including OM, half of what she tells me.
Cuddling in bed was nice - It was a good chance to 'test the waters' and see what she would tolerate. She has always been pretty verbal about things she doesn't want me to do, but so far she hasn't told me 'no'.
Originally Posted By: lizzy
It is so hard when they say they are being a bad parent. At one time my H was the worlds greatest father. Our H as kind of drifted him and the Ds apart. One of my biggest hopes is that relationship is repair. I am glad your W is seeing that D needs her. It seems to me like she has been very disconnected from her and that connection may be getting repaired.
I talked to my W off and on pretty much all afternoon and evening - She is really upset about not being with D all the time. I try to tell her what D is doing and the fun we have together, but recently she is finding it really hard to deal with. In the last few weeks, when we are together with D, if either of us leaves the room, gets out of the car or is out of sight, D will just go crazy - Screaming, crying, all sorts. We went downtown one night and W went to get something from her office and D screamed the whole time, then I went to where I used to work to get something and D screamed when I was gone. She has started to do that when W leaves now, which I know is getting to her. I've not gone as far as saying "Well, it IS easy to fix you know", but I'm close
W and I always used to go away to her grandmothers for Christmas - 4hr drive, plus we'd stay overnight Christmas Eve. She has been telling everyone she doesn't want to go because it's too far for D, but she told me yesterday that she can't deal with facing everyone after what has happened.
There was some other stuff she told me too, but I can't remember it right now. She is supposed to be coming over tomorrow, but we'll have to see what happens with the weather. She thinks she has D tomorrow night, even though it's my weekend with her - If she wants to take her, I'm fine with it, but I might try to convince her to keep her here just because of the weather. It takes me 5mins to drive to the day care - It's 30mins each way with W, on a good day when the roads are clear.
Did you guys ever lose your connection altogether? Was there a time when she treated you almost like a stranger and then you got close again where she started confiding in you? Just curious.
I know what you mean about saying 'it is easy to fix'. I said this to H about 7 weeks back (S was only a week old)...before I found DB. It didn't go over well. He said something like "What? Move back in and live happily ever after?". I just can't imagine with such young kids how it is so easy for them to walk away from the opportunity to be close to them. My H just keeps saying 'they will be fine'. But why is it better to give up that closeness rather than make the effort to try to save it by working on the M? Is it just this crazy selfishness going on inside of them?
Sorry to relate it all back to me...apparently I'm in selfish mode right now! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Did you guys ever lose your connection altogether? Was there a time when she treated you almost like a stranger and then you got close again where she started confiding in you? Just curious.
Back in August/September she was very distant. She would go out after work at come home at 2 in the morning. Didn't eat, didn't sleep, drank all the time. She wouldn't tell me anything at all. I would get bits and pieces once in a while, but it wasn't until mid-October when she came back from a trip with work that she started to talk to me more - Unfortunately that was a week before she moved out, but we did talk about it and we both agreed that some time apart would be helpful for us.
Probably the last 4 weeks or so have been a lot more intense when it comes to her confiding in me. She is always more down this time of year, so I think she is feel a little more miserable than usual.
Originally Posted By: JennyF
I know what you mean about saying 'it is easy to fix'. I said this to H about 7 weeks back (S was only a week old)...before I found DB. It didn't go over well. He said something like "What? Move back in and live happily ever after?". I just can't imagine with such young kids how it is so easy for them to walk away from the opportunity to be close to them. My H just keeps saying 'they will be fine'. But why is it better to give up that closeness rather than make the effort to try to save it by working on the M? Is it just this crazy selfishness going on inside of them?
I think it's all just a way to protect themselves - They can't handle the stress of being a spouse, a parent or whatever. My W is actually MUCH better with D than she was in the middle of the year.
Your situation sounds more and more hopeful each time I read your thread. You are one of the few active situations I get to read about here that makes me know that DBing works.
Keep up the good work and have a wonderful holidays with your W and D. Even though my situation has taken another dark corner, I will still be having a good Chirstmas holiday in Mexico. I have you to thank for getting myself to go ahead and book that trip for myself and the kids.
Hey brit painfully slow progress seems to be the theme around here, I went back & read the first few posts on your sitch. I noticed you snooped in her phone. I so wish I didn’t do that. this is a hard road & seems completely unfair at times. I make so many mistakes. this process really makes me look at myself (looking at her behavior takes no courage) & listen to her & try to make painful & difficult changes in myself. I see you doing just that. mostly I think having faith in the process & staying out of my own way is most helpful. Progress is slow but backsliding is all 2 easy....onward through the fog....
why im here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1247860&page=1#Post1247860 me 47 w 44 m 20 s 18 s 14 s 8 bomb dropped 10/8/07
