own business together, disabilty,OW, Standing !

[grid, lost]

Hi everyone, guess I'll try to introduce myself, although also posted on "newbies"
I'm 52, no kids, H is 49 we have been together 20 yrs, M 4yrs. (long story). Over last 6 yrs. we had way to many life altering events take place in short amount of time. Death of both my parents in few weeks, no siblings left alive, major illness and unable to work now for several years, H looses job, H and I start a business, business goes ok, except for cost of health insurance. Expenses pile up do to health problems. I retreat into my own cave, H has EA with 20yr junior associate, H developes major depressionand MLC, OW says Come I will save you. With out a word, on 10-2006 H leaves me a 4 line note and goes to OW. I promptly did everything wrong, everything! We still have to talk because of the business together, I still can not work full time, want H to return. have read and doing DR for short time, H sends me gifts and will not talk about R. I am so confused and lost, this has been going on now for over a year and I need you guys. I want H to come back and leave OW, H. wants all 3 of us to be "Best Friends". So here I sit, so confused, lost and do not know what to do,except trying to stand. that is my stich.
grid, lost

[inmyplace]

So here I sit, so confused, lost and do not know what to do,except trying to stand. that is my stich.

When you don't know what to do, do nothing. (Obviously, you know to take care of the things that you must take care of, i.e. finances, health, etc.)

I want H to come back and leave OW

Yep. But if I may, I wanted my wife to come back, but it didn't happen. In lieu of that, I became happier than I ever have been. I know it may be hard to understand that where you sit, but all you can do is take care of youraself. As Michele says, we control what we do, but we can;t control what someone else does. That is the best you can do now. Other than that, you have said you are standing and that is your decision and a fine one.

Now. Watch. Even though I am not standing as I have been divorced since April 2001, I will show you how to stand...are you watching
.
.
.
There. I just did it.

Keep taking care of your health. Keep your focus on what you want. You seem to be doing well in the latter. But if I may give you a suggestion, get your mind off wanting him to return and get your mind off wanting him to leave OW. All that does is confuse you.

IMP

[grid, lost]

IMP,
Thank you for your post. You are so correct I must work on myself. Funny you mention you became happier than you'd ever been. As I try to work on me, I'm starting to feel not better, happier ! When you said you'd show me how to stand and to watch you???..... then.....??? nothing is nothing what you are attempting to say to me?
H and I will have to spend a couple days together for medical and business reasons. Not sure if I should tell him I have put down my weapons and so he doesn't need to keep his nukes on high alert anymore? Should I accept a christmas gift from him? How do I "be a friend" with out giving him the impression I'm willing to be "best friends" with he and OW?

Would like to take him out to dinner when he is up here (H lives in another state and will be here on business) should I? If I do what should I talk about, world events or where I am planning to go with my life, etc?
You said you are D, because of a MLC? Your MLC or W?

ROFL, no didn't know or couldn't take care of health and finances, that was 1/2 the life crisis.
grid, lost

[grid, lost]

I have posted this Q on another thread. Just in case someone here has thoughts on my question, here goes.

H and I are starting to treat each other more like friends rather than angery spouses.
Now we are a abit friends, H has concerns for me. What BabyStep can I try or has others tried to spark interest/concerns about "us" rather than concern about "me" or I for him???? Only want a spark from H.
thoughts anyone?

Where is Jack_Three_Bean?? JTB, need your words of wisdom? lol

[grid, lost]

what should I do now that H ask me for title of Michele's book?
of course gave him title. my question is should I not mention book again or ask him what he thought of book, as if there is any thing in book he wants to discuss? Or say nothing and go Dark in regards to the book?

thoughts????

[Virtually_Handsome]

As far as the book, just leave it. If he wants to talk about it, he will.

I think there are sort of two parts in standing. The first is the part IMP has talked about. You don't' do anything involving your husband that has the goal of getting him back. However, in the background you are doing everything to become a better and happier you. Then, when your husband is with you, or sees you, or hears of you, he see a person he will want to be with! Don't start talks about your relationship, and try not to get tangled up in them if he does. Right now they will be counterproductive.

So, what to do. First, I think, the practical, if you have to do something to protect yourself financially, you just have to do that. I couldn't tell if that was an issue, but be watchful. Then, do what you can to make you better. Try to detach your happiness from his actions. You should look to things that you can control for your own happiness. Even in a good marriage co-dependence is a bad thing. Your business probably confuses things a bit, but try to separate business issues from relationship issues. Get back to doing things you like to do. Even things as small as reading the books you've put off reading. Or renew a hobby. Or, just learn about a hobby you've been interested in, but never got involved with. If you grow, and GAL of your own, you will feel better, and you will be more attractive to him. Of course, if he is MLC, you are in for a long haul anyway, because his wiring is messed up, and there's not a thing you can do about it, really. That is a challenge, but it gives you time to work on yourself, so take advantage of it!

Jeff

[grid, lost]

dry_heat & IMP
thank you for posting. Guess if I'm understanding correctly H has to be the one to bring up R or recovering our M? Can;t come Ever from me as H will run??
I've been at this for a fair amount of time and all did not take place 60 days ago. If hadn't been for DR never would have found these boards and all the help.
H has even mentioned noticing I'm differrent, etc. Which really took me by surprise!
Now another question. Friends have ask if I am going to give H a christmas gift ? I always say no not as long as he is wOW and not offering C. Friends asking if I am getting him a gift really took me by surprise.

The Question: Now I have a camera H loves, H (H has always sent/ given all $$$ to me) had thought maybe I should just give it to him next year or would it be ok if I sent it to him?? Or should I stay, for ever, with NO GIFTS??? OOPS, forgot to mention I never like the camera as doesn't fit my hands and should have returned it in first place. So it just sits around collecting dust!

[imLIN]

grid, lost....

I am replying to you message left to me on another post...

First off...initially I did feel guilty for not "seeing" my H's unhappiness...but I eventually realized that he didn't want me to see it...so no it wasn't my fault...maybe I could have been more aware of the subtle signs but I took him at face value...

At first too I felt I had been deceived...thinking he loved me when he didn't...or at least said he didn't...

It has been a long journey...but I can say that the man my H is today is still a man I love very much...much of what I loved about him...his sense of humor...his smile...his care and compassion...his patience...yes, these were things that eventually did return after he worked through his crisis...as I stated it was a long journey...and I think it was one needed for H (minus the OW as I don't think she needed to be factored in)...I think now he is becoming the person he was meant to be...and the good thing is I love him...I love him very much and and I would marry "this" H in a heartbeat if we were to have met first...

It is the H that was in crisis that I couldn't live with, understand, or deal with...it was pure HELL...but it was not just my own...we were all thrust into it...

Lin

[grid, lost]

well with this being christmas weekend, etc. I went backwards and lost it with H. The old have a Merry Christmas hit me wrong and of course I told him, no, I won't be, so lets not screw around about it. etc.
I never should have said that and I guess what is done is done.
grid, lost

[grid, lost]

have not posted here for awhile as my other stitch is in Newbie.
Same stitch just two locations.
midlife C, seems to have a bit of a click or something that takes us newbies a while to work through.
anyway, H gave me christmas gift or rather sent through mail a gift. I didnot get him anything.
this gift giving thing of his sorta gets to me as he never says anything just mails me a gift, no note or anything.
I am thinking of just writing him a thank you note and not going to mention to him on telephone. What does everyone think? Ok, to just send thank you note or should I call him and say thank you.?
thoughts anyone?