still trying...update

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi all,
I keep losing my thread! Sorry for the new post. My H and I are still trying. He said that he just wasn't ready to come home yet. Ok. Come to find out he thought I was doing things that I had in the past, snooping. I told him I really wasn't. Apparently someone tried to hack into his paypal account and he assumed it was me. I told him that if they have the ip address which they must, that he could get it and compare it to mine. He would see that they didn't match. He has dropped it since.

I have been working on taking responsibility for myself, actions and behavior that helped to get us where we are. I'm not focusing on his, just mine. It seems to be helping. I have been friendly, kind, and flirty. He has said in the past that when I am like this that he finds me very attractive and he likes to be around me. We have been talking easier and playing. He actually teased me last night for the first time in months. Called me a dork when I bluffed him in poker and won. lol.

He has said that he didn't feel loved, accepted, wanted and blown off. So a 180 for me is to subtly help him to feel it. I was bad...so bad. I took pictures with my cell of me in lingerie and sent them to his email address. He completely flipped out. His reaction was really funny.

What's really hard is that he is so stuck. Seems like it to me anyway. I don't believe the OW is in the picture anymore. She hasn't been for a few weeks now. I guess after we had it out the last time and I saw them playing cards at the site we all play, he decided he couldn't do it anymore. I went dark, she got witchy and he was done. She really got bad when he kept rebuffing her. He seems to have been able to put her out of his mind bc he has been closer to me ever since. Now I have to leave her behind too and that is hard.

[saffie]

Luv,

That is the hard bit. It has taken me well over a year and I still hate OW with avengence. However my hatred for her is apart from my feelings for my H. I made a decision that it was OK to dislike OW and that helped me move on. She is evil and she will try to work her stuff on someone else and that next person's significant other will hopefully do to her what I want to but I am not willing to go to jail for. I just hope I get to see the OW's downfall.

Saffie

[LuvMyHusband]

ditto. My H not usually a person that hates anyone or even really dislikes. He says to just let it go and doesn't seem to understand how I feel about her. I tried to explain that not only did she come between us but that she went out of her way to hurt me. She is incredibly malicious. It wouldn't even occur to me to do some of the things she has. She actually had a male friend tell my H that he chatted with me in a bachelor's chat room! I couldn't believe it. I was able to prove that she was behind it and he was a friend of her's. My H said he wasn't surprised that she would do something like that and everything just added up. He can't stand her now he says.

Anyway, I totally agree with you Saffie. Sometimes I wish the OW would show up here so I could mop up the floor with her. I can still dream!

[fightingirish]

luv,

you've got mail..

tal

[LuvMyHusband]

good morning everyone,
I really could use some advice here. You know that my D8 has been sick and I have been too. So I am trying to make sure I don't react either bc I am anxious and scared or bc I just don't feel well.

Apparently my H has been away from his parents house for the last few days. When D8 wants to talk to him, if she can't reach him on the cell, she calls the grandparent's house. She was told he was at a seminar. Last night I had to call there (bc) of her, and MIL told me that she wasn't expecting him back until tomorrow.

H has never told me that he was going anywhere. In fact, he has made it seem like he was still there. He called yesterday afternoon for business and it was really noisy in the background, as if he was at an airport. I laughingly said "where are you? it's really noisy". He said he was at the mall and there were F18's flying over head. He said he was at home depot buying mortar for the fireplace he is tiling for his parents. Ok.

Well, after I got off the from MIL I realized that he hadn't been there for a couple of days. They obviously knew where he was but he sure hadn't told me anything. Additionally he would not answer his cell phone which really upset me as he knows how sick D8 is and it could have been anything.

It seems like he doesn't think I should know anything about him. He keeps me totally in the dark about his life and activities. I don't know why he does this but it does tend to make me feel as if he is doing things he shouldn't be and is hiding it. I don't know what he is doing, where he is or who he is with. I say that bc Thursday night he told D8 he was out with a friend. Yeah, what friend??

I am trying not to overreact and don't want to assume the worst but if it was innocent, why wouldn't he tell me? I know I have a tendency to assume the worst and be reactive. I have been working on those issues but could really use a different perspective. Also, what should I say to H? I am starting to feel further and further away from him. I also feel like he is "sending me a message" that he really does want out and has no feelings for me or even his kids for that matter. He never likes to be the bad guy so maybe he is waiting for me to file so that he doesn't have to.

[Yoyowife]

Luv,
At this point I think you are going to have to work harder on detaching from him. Don't call him unless it has to do with daughter, and make sure it is only something that you can't handle on your own. If you don't get him, leave a message on his voicemail. He knows your daughter is sick and he is not being a responsible adult and checking on her. Just let him be irresponsible father and you take care of her. You're a great mom who loves her child deeply. I'm sorry he is acting like this, but right now there is nothing you can do. Detach and come on here and vent. Just don't vent to him. Don't even ask him questions about what he is doing or where he is. Even though you have a valid reason for calling him he is going to see you as being needy. Let him see that you are strong woman and you can do it by yourself. Let him be the "little boy".

[LuvMyHusband]

Thanks Yoyo. I haven't tried to call him this morning and I'm not going to as hard as it is. I had asked him to help with a business item (for the new business). I'm not going to now. I'm debating whether or not to accept his call today, if he does call.

Question: I have been wondering if we should have a boundaries talk when he comes home for Christmas. What is ok to do while we are separated and what's not.

[LuvMyHusband]

btw, our pastor would like to talk to him, should I invite him over while H is home?

[saffie]

I guess it depends on what your pastor wants to talk to him about and whether or not your H respects your pastor.

Saffie

[LuvMyHusband]

My pastor would like to talk to him about us. He feels that my H is very confused and needs a reality check basically. yeah, no kidding. As far as I know H respects him. He's never said anything to the contrary.

Saffie, were you and your H separated? How long did it take? I've been reading and DR says it's about 1 month for every year of M. I guess I have about 4 more months to go and that's if I can keep the changes I'm making consistent. It's hard but I'm actually feeling better about me and am more determined to keep it together. He has said several times I am so predictable. Never thought i would insulted by that word. lol.

Did I tell you that he had received an email re: his paypal account that someone had tried to hack into it? He immediately blamed me. This was right after Thanksgiving. I think he thought I was doing more of the same but it wasn't me. Good grief. Anyway, I received two emails from paypal one on the 13th and one yesterday from paypal stating the same thing. I forwarded to them and simply said "I thought you should see these". He read them but didn't respond. I'm not going to say anymore about it.