It's hard, I know. I remember going through the D sitch w/ my H, I always felt I had to be on my best behavior. Your sitch is a little different, but I understand where you're coming from. I changed my behavior and started doing EVERYTHING around the house as far as laundry, cleaning, etc. which was a 180 for me. I had allowed myself to get into this "rut" I guess b/c I was just always so tired. I found that it got easier, so I guess I can give you hope that, as you continue to just do and act the way you are and things continue to get better, it is easier to act and after awhile, it's not really an act anymore -- make sense?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thank you for understanding. I know our situations are different, but in a lot of ways they seem similar. I thought of your situation a lot this weekend while I was dealing with my own.
One thing that was sort of a "flashback" for me was that this was the wife I used to be - affectionate, flirtatious, loving, etc. And being that way didn't get me anywhere with my SSM. He had a really nice wife but he didn't appreciate me in the way I needed to be appreciated. So, slowly, over time, not really intentionally, I turned mean on him. This weekend brought back those painful memories, because no matter how much I held H's hand at the mall or rubbed up against him in the elevator, he wasn't any more sexually interested than he was when I was in bitch mode. And this is the really hard part for me, because I want him to want me...and he just doesn't.
So, even if it gets to the point where this isn't an act anymore, it doesn't really get me any closer to the sexually fulfilling marriage I long for, does it? Or am I missing something? Isn't this about just accepting that if I choose to stay married to this man I have to accept the SSM part of it? This is where I'm still very confused.
Your anger is perfectly natural and understandable but it will get you nowhere. You need to take back ownership of your sexuality and the only way to do that is to give your H back ownership of his sexuality. Your anger is a reflection of your feeling of being controlled because you have given ownership of your sexuality to your currently LD-for-you-H.
Let's say you were single and you walked into a bar. It wouldn't make you angry if half the guys there weren't interested in you, right? You wouldn't think "I am so hot that everybody must be interested in me all the time.". If you were really sexually assertive and confident, you might spot one guy and think something like "He will be mine tonight." If a man were to approach you sexually, you would have to make a decision about your sexuality and whether you wished to share it with him. My point in giving this example is to illustrate the point that if you give your H back ownership of his sexuality then you won't feel anger because it will be like you approached a guy at a bar and he responded in a friendly manner "I don't like blonds" or "I'm currently celibate. I'm just here for the alcohol." or "My penis isn't working lately.". If actually getting laid isn't your goal then you could even hangout with that guy and play pool or share some nachos or discuss local politics etc. Otherwise, you would probably move on and find a guy who likes blonds and wants to use his functional penis with you.
Anyways, you need to figure out what you really want? Do you want validation that your H loves you? Do you want validation that your H desires you? Do you want to be treated in a loving manner? Do you want to have sex? Then you have to realize that your H "owes" you none of this but a lot of it might be what you owe yourself. Then you will be angry at yourself. Then you will forgive yourself. Then you will treat yourself better.
Realize that giving your H back ownership of his sexuality and thereby taking back ownership of your own sexuality, although necessary, may do absolutely nothing to increase his desire for sex with you. OTOH, it may be all that is necessary to allow him to once again feel that desire. When you say to yourself something like "I am a grown woman and I will have sex." then you are making a statement of sexual ownership. The more confident you are in your ownership, the more you can make such a statement in a calm, happy manner rather than in an angry, hurt or fearful manner. The extent to which your LDH would find such a statement a threat if made in a confident calm manner is the extent to which he is not in ownership of his own sexuality.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Heavyheart, bear in mind that your partner can appreciate the holy heck out of you and still not want to bed you. We've addressed this subject somewhere here on the board. Men and women both sometimes think that if I do all the chores, smell good all the time, take care of the kids, cars, lawn, home repairs, decorating... whatever... that my partner will APPRECIATE me and that appreciation will translate into sex. Alas, it does not seem to work that way, from either direction.
Appreciation and desire seem to come out of two different places.
I know just what you mean. H and I have not ml since February (there were 6 postpartum weeks where it was off limits in there too). We were on the couch the other night and my hand accidentally brushed his and he carressed it. Know what? I actually flinched. I am so unused to being touched by him, so tired of getting turned down, ignoed or getting pity sex that a simple nonsexual touch causes me to flinch.
It sounds like things are improving for you. I hope that continues.
We were on the couch the other night and my hand accidentally brushed his and he carressed it. Know what? I actually flinched. I am so unused to being touched by him, so tired of getting turned down, ignoed or getting pity sex that a simple nonsexual touch causes me to flinch.
(((Karen))) You MUST do something to take better care of yourself. You don't want to end up like me and have a Romanian-orphan-left-too-long-in-the-crib reaction the first time you have sex with somebody "normal". You are a healthy adult woman and you should be having sex. You are a human being and you should be experiencing affectionate touch on a regular basis. I'm sorry but if that is the price people have to pay for being long-term monogamous then I say "F*ck long-term monogamy." Be kind. Be honest. But go get what you need girl.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Yeah - I don't know. I am feeling so depressed about the whole thing that I am about halfway to just buying those two twin beds like on all the 50's family shows. I need to do something to get back in the game. I need to start another thread.
Oh, gosh how do we all get into these situations? Why is it so complicated? Sex feels good. We're married. why can't we just do what feels good? sheesh.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
