Waiting for WAW to come back, patience is a virtue

[DaveJ]

Looks like another thread locked. Here's my last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1212626&page=0&fpart=1

[DaveJ]

Ok, there's something I'm trying to wrap my head around yet not able to. So all thoughts are welcome, especially the women perspective....

After D2 was born, W had a pretty severe case of postpartum depression. She didn't want anything to do with D. She was
totally down and depressed. And at one point she was talking about not wanting to live anymore and etc etc. So pretty much I took care of everything at the time. I worked full time at home (nice that my job lets me do that when I need to) while had the full responsibility of taking care of a new born, including feeding her formula, got up twice a night, and etc etc. I had to take care of S4 who was a little older than 2 at the time. I had to take care of W. She had a lot of phantom pains and all sorts of weird issues. We were in and out of the ER all the time and they can never find anything. I think they know us on first name basis at the end. :P She already has high blood pressure. So when she started talking crazy, I've not a clue what to do. I know nothing about postpartum. She wasn't wanting to get help and I wasn't strong enough at the time to force her to go see a psychiatrist and get medication. It's just not in my nature to force people to do things let along doing that to my dear wife. I'm completely stressed, burned out, and overwhelmed. I had nothing to give mentally and emotionally for her. I was doing everything I can to hold myself together and this family together, basically just surviving. This pretty much was the start of her turning to her xBF and starting of the EA with him. I so want to be bitter and angry with her about that. For me it's like I give everything I have for this family and this is the reward I get, my W stops loving me and told me that she's in love with somebody else. I am extremely bitter towards her xBF. What kind of sick person try to tear apart a family at its lowest point, especially when he has a 7 years live-in girlfriend already. But at the same time no matter how much I want to be angry at my W I just can't bring myself to feel that way. I love her way too much.....

Anyways, so now.... She says she now understands and realizes what I was dealing with and that I had nothing more to give. But she is still angry and resentful towards me for not getting her help. She's angry that she could've killed herself and I abaddoned her and didn't get her help. She thinks I just didn't care about her or I would've done something. I just feel like I thought I did everything I could have and more and in the end I feel like I failed in everything. I thought this is the one time I could really show her how capable I am and that would be the turning point of our M. Well, it was, except it went the wrong way..... Instead of bringing us closer, it drove us more apart than ever..... How can she tell me she understands that I had nothing more to give yet still be angry and resentful towards me? I don't get it.... It is so illogical to me! Yes I know you can't apply logic to feelings.... She says she's completely conflicted. with her feelings on this. Thoughts?

[Dom R]

Let's see...

She almost killed herself through neglect, and also hurt your family, because she wouldnt take ownership and responsibility for her feelings (and thus get help)...

and now that she survived the worse part of it... she wants to be mad at YOU, rather than... take ownership and responsibility for her feelings (and accept the blame for her own choices).

Hmm. I see a pattern here.

[DaveJ]

But at the same time she isn't thinking right at the time due to postpartum. People in that state needs medication to be normal, especially the severe cases.... I do have some idea what she went through after reading Brook Shield's book. Thank God it wasn't whatever that woman had in Texas where she killed all 5 of her kids... Just wish she would let it go as it is the past and not be angry at me.... I really gave what I thought was my best....

[soul_mate]

I am trying to view this from her side, but I am having a little trouble. Just like so many waw's they don't want to take ownership of their share of the problem.

The fact is that she should not judge you for what you did during this time since she was not in your shoes. You did everything with good intentions and again she was not in your shoes and therefore cannot understand what you were going through. Just like you should not judge her since you were not in her shoes with the postpartum.

[Dom R]

But at the same time she isn't thinking right at the time due to postpartum.

I dont think you should make excuses/validation for her being mad at you now.

if she continues to be mad, maybe you should confront her with,


"So, what you're saying, is that when I believe you are not acting rationally, due to external or hormonal influences, i should have you forcibly hospitalized.


May I have that in writing, please?"




and when she presumably says no... then point out that if she isnt so certain, then she has no right to be angry at your actions at that time, when she herself isnt certain to that degree.

(alternatively, in the unlikely event she actually gives you something in writing... maybe you should proceed according to her directions, and immediately hospitalize her now?... )

[Sara]

What I can't understand is: what does the XBF see in her? She is mentally unstable, unable to care for herself or her kids. Where does he see going with a woman like that?

[ms ladybug]

Postpartum depression is a very difficult thing to describe to someone who's not gone through it. And very difficult for men to understand (for obvious reasons). For someone with postpartum depression, EVERYTHING around you can be right (healthy new baby, helpful husband, financial stability) but mentally, EVERYTHING is wrong. You can't put your finger on it, because you can see that things are OK, but you KNOW somethings really wrong (bring in phantom pains, and trips to the ER -maybe there's retained placenta, or infections, or stitches being pulled, etc...). Something is wrong.

The good news, ppd doesn't last long. I had it for 3 months with my first baby, and a whopping 1 week with my second.

Now, the woman in Texas who killed all her kids had postpartum psychosis, which is different and MUCH more severe.

I don't know which one your wife had. Maybe she felt psychosis and REALLY did need help...in that case, it would not have been fair to assume she should get this help herself.
But, her frame of mind NOW should be, "Wow. I was in a bad place. It's a good thing I didn't kill anyone. Next time something like this happens, I need you to step up and help me out."

You didn't know, and it didn't sound like either of your expected this to happen. Did it happen with your first born? Did she have a c-section this time? Beleive me, it makes a difference.

[DaveJ]

Yes, I have found that most people don't really understand postpartum and just brushes it off as baby blues. I don't believe she has psychosis, but her depression was quite severe. She has really contemplated suicide. It's been 2 years since D was born and W is still on anti-depressant. And lately she's going into depression again and I don't recall it has been that bad since she was postpartum.

She said that next time if she's ever like that I'm suppose to drag her a$$ to the doctor even if she doesn't want to go. So I said you got it.

No issues with the first born. Of course it was a boy. Both time the birth was natural. Of course both times the baby came out so fast that it probably put her in a lot of shock. The baby came out before they put in the epidural. So basically the epidural kicked in after the baby came out. We did not expect anything like postpartum at all. No signs of it with our first. With our D I guess the girl hormones threw her completely out of whack. It was a difficult pregnancy with her blood pressure going sky high. When D arrived, W said that she did not want anything to do with her. Completely detached.

I guess the one good thing came out of this is I have a very special bond with my D. She's my special girl. I basically single handedly took care of her during that time and I think we really bonded. It just sucks now I only get to see her 3 times a week. I love my S equally but there's just something special between D and I.

[DaveJ]

What I can't understand is: what does the XBF see in her? She is mentally unstable, unable to care for herself or her kids. Where does he see going with a woman like that?

Ok, the history was that she dumped him after he hooked up with his current 7 yrs live in gf. Obviously to any reasonable person when two people been dating exclusively for 9 months and is physically intimate, that would indicate that they are bf/gf right? Plus that guy was calling MIL mom. He still does, which is really wacko. BTW, MIL absolutely hates it when he did and thinks the guy is a major loser. Of course now W has forgiven him and justify it as they never formally declared they are bf/gf. She even went as far to justify that maybe she misunderstood him and maybe they are just friends with benefits and he has never indicated they were exclusive. Ok whatever. Obviously the the ILs and all her other relatives thought they were bf/gf. They even went to her brother's wedding together. I do sometimes wonder if I was just the rebound guy except she married me....

So W really started with the xBF about the time she got on medication and is coming out of the craziness of postpartum. She basically felt I abandoned her and she's all alone on her own. As for him I'm thinking that he's still living in the past and is probably happy that she's taking him back after dumping him. He doesn't see any of the daily going on. He's 2000 miles away. I feel sorry for his gf. He's been stringing her along for 7-8 years and has no intention to marry her or anything. I guess if she's smart she should dump his a$$ too. She gave him an ultimatum a year ago and then caved. A lesson learned for me. When we were first together and W asked me if it's ok if she remain in contact with him because they are supposedly good friends, I should've said absolutely hell no instead of trying to be a nice guy. There should've been closure and no contact should've been allowed period! Oh well, it doesn't matter. She has finally realized he is a loser and there is no future with him. I'm just going to let that go and I know she is sorry and knows she shouldn't have done what she did. No point in keep making me miserable thinking about it.