Oldtimer You know what's really strange? Sleeping next to him doesn't bother me.. I know in my head that it should, but somehow the sense of comfort over-rides the "should". I know it's unhealthy, though.
I'm struggling to get back that strength I was feeling a few weeks ago. I felt like I was really on a roll and then got scared and backed away from the direction I was headed in. Hard to explain.. I hope that makes sense though. Need to work on getting that back (the ol' "feel the fear and do it anyway" thing).
About the going out thing - yeah, definitely capable of doing that myself. Unfortunately I had already chosen to enjoy the cozy fire and have a couple of glasses of wine when things seemed OK... so once I realized I should be out somewhere, driving wasn't a great idea. I should've declined the pizza and gone into my room to read or something though.
As a side note - the creepy guy I mentioned just invited me and "any other blond women" - yes he actually said this! - to his baptism this weekend. He is Indian and trying to "Americanize" himself and thinks this will help (not sure if he is refering to the baptism or the harem of blondes). Seriously, this guy is just weird! Thought you guys might get a laugh out of it like I did though.
ST Yeah - tryin to keep focused on those other things.
H's mom is now calling him daily and being really pushy about him going to dinner with her. I'm guessing to push him to bomb me again. Trying not to think about it or assume things, but that's my guess. Whatever he told her about me must have been pretty bad - she's trying to figure out some way to not have me there for his birthday dinner. (I keep thinking fine, if you don't want me there I won't go - he doesn't have to rebomb me first!). Anyway... gotta put it out of my head.
Agree, it's got to be stressful on him too.
Working on that strength! I'm out of town for work the next 2 days then home for a day and off to the Sonoma DB get together... so lots of plans coming up that should help.
Dave Thanks! I agree.. wish I knew exactly the right path for me, but I'm working on that.
Uh yeah.. definitely right to steer clear of the guy, especially after the latest "invitation"! Creepy creepy.
Donna Thank you! Fishies are doing good... they are getting really big!! I can now see why they say each goldfish needs 10-20 gallons to really be the right sized tank. These two are in a 10 gallon tank and could use more room. They're a lot of fun to watch.
Puppy (well my 11 year old puppy... ) is doing great. Spoiled as ever.
jak Thank you!!
Not much new to journal, but wanted to at least stop in and thank everyone for your posts!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
ya, get that old lady out of your head. she can't hurt you! I'm curious, how is his R with his mom? I remember H's mom telling him to quit contacting OW, and that sure didn't work. maybe his mom will be unknowingly push him closer to you!
anyways, I guess the next thing is going to be... where do YOU want to be on his bday? If you would rather not be there, maybe just tell him, hey, would it hurt your feelings if I did such n such on your bday? Then if he says no, you can just go off an do your own thing... and if he hesitates or says he'd like you to be there, then maybe you might reconsider?
were you planning on getting him anything, or just doing the card thing or what? if just a card, if it were me, I think I'd do this... I'd make a list of everything I could compliment my H on. Like, how smart he is on football and says everything before the announcers, what a great dad he is, how good his butt looks in his jeans, etc. just sincere and lots of funny and fun things so it's not all mushy where he would feel pressure or guilt. Your H still needs encouragement IMHO.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
His R with his Mom.. hmm. I guess you could say they're close but H isn't much of a "talk about feelings" kinda guy (with anyone!). So they're close in that they love each other a lot, get along well, etc. but deep type convos are rare. She tends to be "don't work on it, GET OUT" type person. We've helped her move twice. She would get sick of the latest boyfriend, plan her move for months, then announce it to the guy that morning - everyone came over to help her move later that day. No looking back, rarely even speaking to the guy again. I always felt awful for the guys. She's been married twice and doesn't plan to ever marry again but "would like to find a rich guy to take care of me" (I wonder sometimes if this is where H's "you only married me to screw me over financially" attitude comes from). I definitely don't think any discussions w/her are helping me or the M at all.. hopefully they are helping him, at least.
About his BD - I honestly want to do whatever he is OK with. I am totally fine with doing something together on his BD, ignoring it entirely, going to his mom's (as long as I'm not feeling unwelcome/unwanted), etc. Trying to kind of let him set the tone on that since I don't really have a preference.
He brought it up again yesterday in a kind of playful tone asking if he'd get his "favorite" cake this year (he loves spice cake and especially one that I make). Hinted around about gifts again (and asked me what I'd like for Christmas). Confusing, that's for sure.
I like your idea on the card. I got him one tonight actually - it's light and funny. Actually it's the kind of silly card he used to always tell me he liked (but me being oblivious always got him the "mushy cards" and wrote big long letters in them anyway.. filling my "need" and not his, I see now). My family's big on the mushy cards and he never understood that, thought they should just be "fun." I like the idea of putting some fun /funny stuff in there (but without any "memories of the past" or mushy kind of stuff).
I'm still unsure on the gift. If I do get something it'll be totally hobby related, like something for his racing. I have a little over a week to figure it out.. these days a lot can change in that time span so I figure I'll decide a day or two before. --------------------------
Some quick journaling..
I forgot to mention this here the other day and wanted to since I've been working on sharing positives! I did a charity thing the other day that I was really proud of. Not trying to "toot my own horn" but wanted to share because I was excited about it. Typically I will do something off of the "wishing tree" where kids who are either homeless or in foster care have written letters to Santa. This year I heard about something my company's doing for soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Without getting all political I have my doubts about the war - but I am absolutely 100% in support of the troops and am just sick that so many will be away from their families for the holidays. My company's sponsoring a drive to put together gift boxes to send to the troops, and the info that went out was also heart-breaking. Had a list of what the need and want (can you believe TOILET PAPER was on the list??)... and also noted that this might be the only gift they get for the holidays. So, I found some really pretty gift boxes and started out filling them with things like toilet paper, handi-wipes, toothpaste, toothbrushes, all the practical stuff they had asked for. Then added some cookies, candy, handheld games, batteries (also requests from the soldiers). I looked at it all and it seemed "nice" but something was missing, especially if it was their ONLY gift/package at Christmas.
So I thought y'know, if it was me I think I'd really miss some of the "little" stuff that makes it truly seem like Christmas. So I got some stockings and tied cinnamon sticks, candy canes, and small snow flake ornaments to them, then used the stockings to "wrap" the stuff that would fit (we're not allowed to actually wrap anything but I figured this was close and still easily inspected). I put the funner stuff in each stocking and the more practical stuff in each box around the stocking. It made me feel really good that they'll open up the box and see something that looks Christmas-y, smell holidays smells, and have a stocking and an ornament to hang. I hope they like it.. know they'll probably not be able to actually keep the non-practical stuff for long, but if it makes them smile it's worth it. And sure makes me appreciate what I DO have when I realize that somewhere out there people are asking for toilet paper for Christmas... wow.
In less exciting news... tonight I'm traveling for work and trying to sleep on the least comfy hotel bed EVER (but in light of the prior comments on the troops, trying not to be a whiner!). I may be finally catching up on a lot of posts due to insomnia ...
Get home late tomorrow, work one more day, then off to Sonoma to meet a few other DB'ers. Looking forward to it!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
When you think about anyone having christmas away from thier familys or those in profoundly difficult circumstances it does have a humbling effect, we are so very lucky.
And why do hotel beds have to be so uncomfortable , it seems like the more expensive the hotel the worse it gets.
Nikki-- Thanks for sharing the positive / perspective. Glad to hear that the pets are all doing well :0) My two goldies are in a 30 gal tank and fill it.
I SO wish I was closer or had the financials to come out and meet you all ! I hope that you might be able to post some pics, and know that so many of us are there in spirit.
Sooo tired all day at work - got home late but got a lot of sleep last night, whew.
Donna - I think we're gonna plan another one in a month or two since so many people couldn't make it in December. I shortened mine to just one night to save money for a future trip too. I know it may not work financially, but wanted to mention it just in case!
Dave and Jak - thanks for checking in!
I will post more later - got a ton to catch up on (funny how when you travel for work you get none of your work done).
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
That's really cool Nikki, about the army gifts. H's uncle is over there, and he was always so proud of being over there (he was in the reserves, but now he's working for a u.s. company there, in Iraq). He also told me how it's very different over there than what we hear over hear in the media. He was always coming across people that were so extremely thankful for us being there. True there are a lot of bad stuff, and hopefully things will get in control, but how wonderful it is to have such great men giving their lives for other people. It is truly the best gift that you can give.
I think that's a good idea to wait on H's bday gift. hey, you could give him the cake as your gift.
and If you do go over to his moms, I would brag on your H a lot. like his racing stuff, or whatever he's done around the house that's impressive. One, I think your H will love it, and two, it might put his mom in a better mood. or it's possible she could get jealous of you.
That is really messed up with his mom. no wonder his sister did what she did. how truly aweful. the person doesn't even get a chance to better themselves.
hope you recover from your lack of sleep!! .
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I love the packages you put together to send to the soldiers. REALLY great ideas. They are gonna love them too, I'm sure. Glad you got a good night's sleep last night. Have a great time this weekend! (((((NikB)))))
Love, f21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
) is doing great. Spoiled as ever.
I'm curious, how is his R with his mom? I remember H's mom telling him to quit contacting OW, and that sure didn't work. maybe his mom will be unknowingly push him closer to you! 
They are gonna love them too, I'm sure. Glad you got a good night's sleep last night. Have a great time this weekend! (((((