Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning

[phbear316]

Ok SG

Your loyal puppy has done what you asked. Here is the new title you asked for, hope your happy!

Ok now help, Since you locked my thread, and I have not been able to figure out how to add them to my current post, my old ones that is, can you help?!?!?!

Boy were you in a good mood last night, you have shaken that flu for sure. Or was it the wine, or the endorphine rush from the run?

As i had said last night, I came into the living room this am and asked H how he felt, H says terrible throat really hurts. Sorry I say, ask did you call out to work, he says no not yet but will. Ok. Meanwhile I feed the cat thinking, dingbat you should have taken that motrin last night. Oh well. I finish getting ready and say to h well feel better will I talk to you later? H says yes claims he will call. We shall see.

This is not easy for me, I will admit. It hurts me to be off to him makes me feel that I am being mean, and I don't like it, But I do realize I have to start doing this. I must start doing this.

I am feeling very down today, I am looking forward to thereapy tonight with councelor, I need to talk out some things or in my situation talk them out with her just listening. I'm having some feelings that I maybe I need to be on some sort of anti-depressants, I truly don't want to go on, but the last few days I find it hard to concentrate, all I want to do is stay in bed. No desire to do any christmas shopping, etc. Find myself in some situations like this am, I woke up to myself shaking in bed. We shall see, something I need to make a decision about.

Well SG thanks so much for you pick me up words, they always work, also Azhira and of course Jeanette. You are all the best!!

with love
Phbear

[Jeanette1120]

http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

I loved this !

I borrowed it from AmyC.....from the MLC forum.

Will chat more later. Once again I wil be late for work.

[sgctxok]

Your loyal puppy has done what you asked. Here is the new title you asked for, hope your happy!

It IS all about ME


You are doing GREAT!

[phbear316]

H has been home sick all day today but had a make up counceling session this afternoon, Said he felt well enough to go, so he did. H calls me when he is home, I say well get some rest and if you want you can lay in bed in bedroom. I get, I'll think about it...you'll what, think about it. OMG, I'm not there just take a nap in bed with the tv on instead of trying to get comfortable on couch. Room is darker!. I'll think about it. Give me a break.

I said what ever to h do what you want. I then later on had to call h to tell him something work related and important. H calls back with updated info, and then says i may go out for a while, i may be back when you get home from your C session. Ok i said what ever. I am going to target tonight. H says oh ok.

Still stuck on the i'll think about it. I know this afternoon when I called him to talk to him about work issue, his phone has a certain ring when he is on it, i know he was on the phone with her. Nothing I can do about it though. Maybe two sessions of counceling this week will do him some good.

I really wish h would reconsider about play this wkend. But I am not putting any hope in it coming to light. I have this sinking feeling h is going to wedding without me. We shall see

Oh I also saw someone my h knows father in the death notices last night. Another change for me I did not say a word to h that I saw it. H found out from someone in the peds er, left him a vm message. You all can guess who, so after his session he stopped by funeral home. I feel bad i did not say a word but i need to make changes. small ones, but changes

bear

[phbear316]

therapy session went ok tonight, I realized tonight I need to work on my self esteem issue. I need to get some. But where do you start. Went over a lot of issues with C about childhood. Starts there as carried into adult life. Thinking back never really had much as a child.

I feel some days I have self esteem in some things, and in other things I do not. I know one thing is I want to this marriage to work. I will not give up.

Need to improve my self esteem this is a new goal. I have improved some what, I know I can talk to h about things, sex etc. I had to also deal with some more about my issues with my x boyfriend. I have been thinking about this a lot the past few weeks, with the low self esteem, i allowed him to manipulate me, and rule me, abuse me both physically and mentally. In a way I have been thinking he would force me for sex it was like rape. I need some day for h to see that, someday when he wants to talk h needs to know this information, he needs to understand this and what happened to me and the impact it has had on my life and most likely will have for the rest of my life. Here again is where i need strength and self esteem.

Going to try to hit the bookstore sometime this weekend, look for books, but i really have to finish self matters by dr, phil. Maybe i will finish that one first.

Spoke to h before i left for my session, H says he may be out when i get home, he needs to get out of the house. Ok, i am not stupid ow must be working nights this month. DUH. Anyway, oh about two weeks ago marathon paperwork arrived at the house, i put it in the pile with the magazines, I guess today when h was going thru them he found it, now its gone. Wonder what he is going to do? H really should cxl, 26 miles, and has not been training, It could take me about two days, but i could walk it better than he could run it right now. (personal note yea for me I can do over 3 miles in an hour on treadmill) I just figured it out it would take me over 8 hrs to do. lol, I'm crazy but not that crazy. LOL

thanks for letting me rant, home alone h is out, feeling blue, tried to go to target to get some xmas spirit, but nothing, even forced myself to listen to xmas music today, still nothing...humbug...

Still anxious and sad about weekend and what h will do, have to get rid of the tickets, wonder about the wedding, I hope h is not stupid enough to take ow, but if he does he will look like an a&^hole to his friends mind you HIS friends. Mine too of course but they are his childhood friends. Only time will tell for this I have no control

bear

[phbear316]

Why can't i let go of the wedding/play issue. I guess it just has to pass, i need to get it over with, the day needs to come and go.

H just called forgot he had a mgt tonight, ok I said it involves the new area which he now supervises. Not a problem i say, try to make a joke like, well it a good idea to go, meet the people, shake hands kiss babies. No reaction, well i said i have the gym tonight, so i will see you about 10ish? I get will see. Ok I know you have to talk to her. Gosh i am not stupid, he will not be home till 12 because he has to either see her or call her. Ugh! Ask a few other questions reguarding mgt, then i hear his boss in room, h rushes me off phone, i did not even say goodbye, but its ok.
will post more later going to the gym.

bear

[azhira]

Hey sweetie...been soooo tied up with work lately...haven't been here in forever...

I know how hard it is to let go of OW. It's wasted energy.

So...what are some positive things you could focus your time and energy on instead??

[phbear316]

Hey Azhira

I was beginning you had forgotten about me. LOL

I know it is wasted energy, just feeling really lonely the past few days, Emotions are running on a rollercoaster. Cannot get into the holiday. I'm sitting here posting to you and all of a sudden I look over and find a holiday inn hotel pen on my desk that I have never seen before. OMG, will this ever end.

Is it normal to have get even feelings, like I said my emotions are all over the place this week. Hurt, angry, the worst has to be the lonely feeling are so bad the past few days. I so miss my H, I want him to hold me, I want to hold him. I want him to play with my hair and rub my back, while we lay on the couch and watch tv with my head on his leg. Why has this been so hard the last few days. I just want that closeness, which is gone.

I know, i know what you are going to say. I have to snap out of this, and I will just having a bad few days.

Anyway, while i was on treadmill at the gym tonight, I was thinking the weekend thru, if h goes to wedding, i am going to target and buying some lights for the front window and i will decorate the front window as I please. If h does not go to wedding I still may decorate that window. I think this is contributing to me feeling down cause i cannot get any spirit. and I need to start shopping for mom and dad.

I hope H will maybe say something tonight about play, I hate to see the money just go to waste, BIL & SIL bought the tickets. I will wait until friday to bring them into work to try to get rid of them.

I was going to take friday off (call out sick) but i realized that my H, & his boss,and my bosses have a meeting in my building on friday. I am so curious how he is going to act. So I may call out on monday. (way too much sick time that I cannot carry over and I will lose) We shall see

Anyway I'm grateful for you reading my rant of sadness. Funny I cried as i typed it now I'm feeling a little better.

Thanks
phbear

[Atlas]

phbear,

So sorry about the pen, those things will happen. Try and just let it role off your back. I know that is easier sad then done. I had a VM on our home from from a local motel 8 about leaving something behind. You know what's funny, and I hope you see it this way, I would take my W to the finest hotel establishements in town for our anniversaries, and now she is at the motel 8, haha!

[phbear316]

Atlas

Boy, guess that one ups my pen issue. I know it is amazing what they think is ok. You sound like me, I would take my H to great inns in exciting places and now they use the holiday inn around the block from my home. Guess it could be worse, they could be doing it in my home.

phbear