Hi all! I am trying to make our sex life a higher priority and would like to create a coupon book that I can give to my husband as one of his Christmas gifts to him.
I would love to create the perfect balance between sexy and romantic. (One issue I think we have is that he appears raunchy and immature to me at times and I am too into the romantic part, needing verbal affirmation, keeping it simple, etc.)
So now I would love to pick your brains for ideas on creating it! Thanks for any and all input! I have some a few already and will share them, but I really want to see if you guys can come up with some good ideas with me. :-)
I know you guys are low on $$$ at times, but how about letting HIM go out & pick out some lingerie for you that HE likes?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
On the other hand, it turns out that wearing something she thinks of as sexy might jump-start her desire, which he'll consider sexier than any piece of fabric he might pick out.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I might have some really good suggestions but I need to know your relative sizes and details of physical and sexual fitness/preferences. From what you've said, I would guess that your H is too sexually monkey for your taste. He's trying to move you from bunny to monkey by acting like a monkey himself. Works with some girls some times but not so good with you. How do you think that you would react if he did something like:
1) Stare at you steadily until you indicate that it is making you uncomfortable and then smile and say "Just admiring the view" and then walk away.
2) Place his hand on the small of your back as he opens the restaurant door for you and whispers in your ear "That young valet wanted to eat you from the legs up."
3) Cupped your breast in his hand and then applied firm steady outward pressure with thumb and forefinger so that your nipple popped out hard but then didn't touch it.
4) Brought you to orgasm through oral or manual stimulation and then after a bit of straight-up f*cking paused smiling above you and said "Give me a number between 1 and 20" and then f8cked you shallow for 12 and then deep on 13.
Of course, I'm not suggesting that you tell him to do these things if you like them because due to the laws of fusion it will backfire on you but if you do like these things you can do things yourself that might cause him to do what you would like or allow you both to get what you like.
For instance, let's say you hate it when he right away starts sticking his tongue in your mouth when you kiss. I say "Take charge, little bunny!" Cuddle up and give him all the romantic little bunny kisses you want and then when you are ready to move from bunny to monkey you can just "accidentally" suck/bite his lower lip a bit while still in bunny mode. Then you can be all like "I'm afraid there has been a mistake. I did not place an order for monkey meat. I am a gentle vegetarian." as you get up from the sofa and "accidentally" forget to pull your dress down like a lady.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Please keep them coming! MJ, you always make me laugh. Of course, you always make me feel a bit inferior in this dept, because you are so "monkey".
#1, I don't think he would ever do. If he did, I would be turned on. #2, he has said things similar to this, but it comes out more raunchy and almost pissy. Hard to describe, but he sometimes acts like he wants to "get me" by proving that other guys are attracted to me, but no women are ever attracted to him. (not true, just something he likes to try and prove.) As a matter of fact, we had a date night last week (at my urging, btw, b4 he left town for a biz trip), and when we headed out for a drink at a bar after dinner, he suggested we enter separately and sit at separate tables to see who would get hit on first. Well, we did, but he gave up and came and sat down by me after a couple of minutes. PS, he got so tired that night, he fell asleep almost as soon as we got home and we ended up having no sex before his trip.
#3 I hate to admit it, but I do not get off at all on my boobs being touched. Sometimes the touch feels romantic, as if he is appreciating my body, but for me, it is just an area that he is more likely to make me jump.
#4 I would like the action of the teasing type sex, but I have such a hard time imagining him talking that way. It probably would be exciting and make me a bit uncomfortable at the same time. Also, I have sucked his lip some while kissing him. Just need to do it more often I'm sure.
RHW: Yep, you're right, we don't usually have a lot of $ and that is always, unfortunately, a consideration, but of the two of us, I am always more likely to say, screw it, we need it, let's put it on the credit card, money well spent. Most of our counseling sessions were on credit card. We have just recently stopped going b/c of money though. I have tried repeatedly to set up regular date nights, weeekends away with babysitters, etc. It's weird how he acts like he wants that time with me so badly, but drags his feet when it comes to actually doing it.
Eddie, you're right, I would have a hard time picking out lingerie for myself or for a girlfriend (trying to take into account size, etc.), so I imagine it would be REALLY hard for a guy. I have never asked him to do that. (I am the type to send him to the store for tampons, you know?) BUT, a lot of lingeried is simply slip on, etc. So, if the piece weren't too complicated, I think it would be cool to have something he picked out. He just SOOO does not get into that kind of thing. I have a Victoria's Secret catalog in the bathroom right now and would love it if he picked something out with me in mind. I have told him this before, but it's never happened. He has mostly come back with how he would be happy if I would just wear the two little nighties I have in my closet now (one slip nighty from our dating days and one fancier nighty from our wedding night.) I have worn them on occasion, but honestly maybe once a year or so. Sounds pretty bad, huh?
Well, I'll post the ideas I came up with last night. (Yes, stayed up way too late thinking about it.) I went ahead and included things that cost money because I'm realizing that I'm getting REALLY sick of $ dictating so much for us. I think I would feel a lot sexier if I occasionally got some pampering, etc. For so long, I've been content keeping myself last on the list, no new clothes, going a year and a half w/o a haircut, etc. Enough!! It just reminds me that I'm ONLY a stay-at-home-mom and my appearance doesn't really matter, which is not conducive at all to feeling sexy. Anyhow, one of the ideas I had involved him shopping for something sexy for me and I think he'll have a hard time with it, but hopefully he'll do it.
1. One make-out session 2. Quickie 3. Massage 4. A trip to Victoria’s Secret together, then a private striptease later that night! 5. Shower for two, no self sudsing allowed. 6. Fresh baked cookies of your choice. 7. Something fun, something new, take your pick, I’ll try it with you. 8. A night with me and no tv. 9. Homemade dinner of your choice and I’ll be the dessert. 10. Pizza night and I’ll put the kids to bed while you spend an hour to yourself. 11. Make me your slave! I’ll wear, say and do whatever you desire. 12. Dinner & a movie and you pick the flick! 13. Be on the receiving end of a naughty long distance phone call while you are out of town. 14. Breakfast in bed, followed by an afternoon delight. 15. Drop me off for a Brazilian wax – while I’m there, buy new panties for me to wear! 16. An evening in a sleeping bag under the stars. I’ll make you beg for s’more! 17. Let’s have a playdate in bed – you pick the toys! 18. Game Night! Time for some Strip Uno! 19. Let’s go for a Sunday drive so I can get below your Bible Belt.
So, that is a LONG list and I suppose I could just stop there. Hopefully, he would be happy if I did all of these things!! I am trying to come up with the best format. Since it involves sex, he's more likely to play along and keep up with it, but in the past, things like this, I guess he just finds cheesy and he gets busy and never does them after a while. I could put them on strips of paper and stick them in a jar. One for every two weeks of the year? I could put them in a book with two for every month? I could just put them all together and let him pick and choose as freely as he likes, in which case I would probably not be able to walk in January, and I'd probably never bake him cookies, because he would never get around to that one. lol!
One thing I'm noticing is that this whole last year or so has been so about how I DO NOT FULFILL HIM. He says that he needs more passion (hot sex), but when I recently said that I would like him to try and be more romantic, like I have tried to be more sexy, he came back defensively with, "That's just me. I'm not that way. I was like this when you met me. Be happy with me as I am." I responded with, "Like I'm just frigid?!" Sarcastic and not helpful I know, but I am starting to feel like I have pushed myself out of my own box some and I'd like him to do the same. It may not be totally natural for me to concentrate on having hot sex on a weeknight or realizing that I haven't worn lingerie or gotten "into it" in a while, but by the same token, it may not be natural for him to do something romantic for me, but that's what I need.
Ok, I'm rambling, gotta go feed the kids and finish painting the kitchen. He just called and will come home late tonight. (He is in Orlando, the place where he met Pam at a conference last January.)
Again, the best thing you can do for your sex life is to make sure you enjoy (not tolerate) whatever sex you have, AS HOT SEX, not just a feeling of closeness. What are you doing to ensure that you have strong, reliable orgasms during your sexual encounters?
You are uncomfortable with your own sexuality, it seems to me. When you get past that, you'll be a lot less picky about his raunchiness and a lot more welcoming of his horniness.
The coupon book is sweet, but it largely seems to be about you. It seems to be about what YOU would like in terms of romance/sex. How about giving him a coupon book that is about HIM. Make it very explicit and very dirty and very kinky.
(1) Be his porn star for a night, you supply the camera. (2) Around the world, starting with your mouth, ending... (3) Masturbate with a (whatever) for him.
etc...
Better yet, why not simply start DOING some of these things? At this point, if he has to cash in a coupon, he may very well feel that you are doing those things just because you "have to."
What are you doing to work on your own sexuality? You may very well need to work to develop an authentic sexual self that really enjoys sex alone and with a partner. I belive you got married young, at a point in which a woman's sexuality is too often just about being what the male wants, and had children young, at a point in which motherhood often squelches what would otherwise be a blossoming sexual self. Perhaps I am wrong. But if not, you might do some reading on YOUR sexuality.
Some of what you say is true, OT, and I do think that there is an element of me having control that makes these things more doable to me. I did not perceive it as being all about me though. It seems to be "king for a day" type stuff, though, I SPECIFICALLY made it not all about sex. I guess I could take out the cookies, etc., type stuff. Believe me, a Brazilan wax is not for me! lol!
We met when I was 18. Had our turbulent first year or two. I was ready to marry soon after my mom died when I was 23. We took a long time to go through college, so we were in that "stage" for a while, even though we were a few years older than most. Finally married just after I graduated with my Education degree when I was 26. We had been together 7 years at that point. We lost a baby in 2001, then had Mariposa in 2003. I was 31, we had traveled to Peru, Canada and England, and I had earned my Master's degree. So we did some stuff before having kids, but it is still a challenge in a lot of ways for sure. I am now 35. :-)
Thanks, OldTimer.
I DO appreciate the insight you guys give me, but I always feel like I'm not doing enough and I ***feel*** like I'm doing a lot, it just goes unappreciated. I need a t-shirt that says "unappreciated."
I think you are doing a lot. But I think maybe you need to be doing different things.
Again, with the gift, if it is a *gift*, make it all about his dreams and fantasies.
But beyond that, what YOU can do is to focus on YOU. On finding your hot and horny authentic sexual self, on having reliable orgasms, etc...
I have brought this up before. You don't really seem to address it. Confront YOUR OWN sexuality directly. Do you have great/strong/reliable orgasms when you masturbate? Do you fake O's with H? Did you used to fake O's and quit? Etc...
