Can this work?

[Tina M]

I'm new at this forum stuff so I hope this lands in the Separated now what section. Had posted it elsewhere previously.

My H said that he's been on the fence for the past six weeks about asking for a divorce. He loves me, but is not in love with me. Says I'm attractive, but he's not attracted to me. Does not want to "work" on the marriage, but rather see if a spark can be rekindled to determine if wants to go onto the next stage of "working on the marriage". This is a second marriage for both, been together 10 years. We have no children. We've gone through some ups and downs, in particilar his going to chat sites, which he says is a symptom of our marriage. I'd like to give it a go, but am not sure how to go along with the following proposal he laid out... It's difficult because we're still under the same roof. And to top it off, he's been unemploymed for the past three months and isn't looking. Says he want's his privancy and space... says he needs more mystery .... I'm going for counselling as well have signed up for the on phone counselling with Divorce Busing.... Would welcome any feedback from anyone having faced or is facing a similar siutation.

Tina

Following is his proposal:

Sleep in separate rooms unless explicitly invited
Handle laundry & meals separately unless invited
Household chores to be divided up fairly (non-working partner to do more)
Financial arrangements (separation of groceries / car / gas payments) as existing
No dating / chatting with others (eg internet)
Allow each other personal privacy (bathroom, dressing, etc)
Maintain civil discourse (no swearing, raising of voice, or angry tones)
Time together to be requested, not assumed
Weekly meeting for household/operational issues
Weekly (or more frequent) going out date night with alternating initiator
Shared activities (television, rented movies, games) to alternate as well
United front presented to friends / family
Monthly meeting to review relationship / Update rekindling agreement

[No_LRT_Yet]

It will only work if you agree to it. Do you have any objections to his proposal? He has set his boundaries, do you have any? And prepare yourself that if you do this, he may still not find that he wants to work on it.

I could see it working as long as you don't get frustrated with his proposal. If you have any objections, speak now and don't wait until you find yourself getting angry that he is being selfish.

[cat03]

sound like he holds some hope the M might still work, why not go to counceling together?

he's been unemploymed for the past three months and isn't looking
=========================================
Reminds me when my H's job took a downhill turn, he couldnt' bear the fact that his work was suffering and that things are home weren't great, so he decided to leave, to at least have one less thing not working (yea, what a brilliant idea on how to make things better)
Sound like your H is bored altogether with his life overall, and wants "something" to happen (the "mystery" part, what baloney!, if he lacked something in the M it was up to him to speak up and and make it happen)

Is it ok for you that he is not working nor looking? hwo does he pay bills with no job? Like the above post says, also bring up what YOU want.

As far as rekindling the sparkle, it happens when you work on the M, not because of it, I'm in the piecing forum, there is no "sparkle" in my M righ now, we sleep appart, but we are trying to work on the M to bring the love back into it.

A good read, perhaps he'd like to read with you, is "Love and Respect". As it is possible, do things together that you haven't done, take a dancing/yoga class together. Do you go out on your own? then GAL, get together with a girl friend, go for a coffee, each of us is in charge of our own happiness.

[Tina M]

Thanks for the input, it's certainly food for thought. I'm reading DR and am doing a 180. Too early too tell what the impact is, but I know I'm feeling great! Have really let go! As for his unemployment status, he has to sue for proper severance and if he finds a job too soon it'll detract from the settlement - a little different here in Canada - however, I was behind him 100%- I understood due to his length of service and status than he wouldn't find a job for close to a year; however, he's not even doing any research or looking at going back to school. I wouldn't mind supporting him in his efforts, but he's just obsessing over his hobbies and was playing on the internet. I suspect he's depressed. When I tried to encourage him or brought it up.... I was a Nag, etc., Then the bombshell that he's been considering a D.... Perhaps he thinks he can do what he wants if he walks away with half? Maybe someone else out there, desparately wanting a mate will tolerate it? My previous H thought the grass was greener on the other side 12 years ago and since has been through three releationships and went bankrupt! Something to consider .....?

Thanks again for your replies,
Tina

[cat03]

it's the mentality of "move on instead of fixing what's broken" that plagues many men. No matter what you say to a depressed person it wont' sink in, if he really has depression only a psychologist can help, it took my H to hit rock bottom before he admited he needed professional help, it is hard for most men to go to the dr.
Keep GAL to detack, seems you are in the righ state of mind and strong. We all have our down days, and that's ok, it is bound to happen, but then we can always pick ourselves up and reclaim the day for us.