Here Again What To Do?

[Racer Chick]

OK I was here about three years ago now, but under a different user name...new sitch...new name.
I will have read that people try to keep thier history brief and thay go on and on, so I am not going to say that. But I will try to give just the facts.
H and I have been married 14 years, almost 15 in March of 2008. We have a D 12 and the only one thank goodness, wonderful kid but glad we only have one. Been together for 18 year the begin of Novemember this year. So we do have quite the history together.
Fast forward to end of 2004, begining 2005. H drops the I love you but not in love with you. I do all the wrong things, that was before I read the book. That all stopped after I read it. Found out for sure that he OW in January of 2005, and that sent me into a really tail spin. I was depressed and could not sleep, etc. the normal things that happen when you find this kind of thing out. Well good to say that a couple of months of me doing some serious DBing and demanding equal time OW got tired of being the OW and dumped H. Yeah for me. H and I were in counceling together and individually at the time. We worked things out sort of, we did more things together and even went on a family vacation for the first time with our D. We had a lot of fun that summer and the rest of the year. One thing that H wanted to do was to remain in contact with the OW I did not like that but for what ever reason I put up with it. The friendship did fade so she is no longer in the picture, YEAH, and has not been for about a year now.
Things between H and I started to head down the same road that lead him to his A with OW about a year ago when I go blind sided is the best way to put it, by a very close male friend of mine. He told me that he loved me and has been in love with me for quite some time. Now let me explain where I was at that time in my R with H, he was beinging the definition of an insensitive jerk to put it nicely. So with the opportunity that was dropped in my lap somebody who puts me on a peddistal and worships the gound that I walk on, I acted on it. Me and the OM did not get physcial for several months into the A. I was having an inner stuggle that this was not right I am married but I allowed him in. We have been carrying on the A now for almost a year and H still does not know. About a month ago H finally noticed that I had not been wearing my wedding ring, had not been wearing since August. He of course got angry but I told him that I had not been happy for quite sometime and that I had tried to talk to him about it and he just did his normal bury head in the sand or joked about it when it was brought up. But since then we have had some pretty serious talks and he does not want to lose me and does not want to start over with someone new. The night that he asked me about the ring I told him that I had been putting money away for a while to save for the retainer for the lawyer that I would use for the D. Of course there was the question is there anybody else, I denied it.
Now I have been putting off filing for D for some reason, and I honestly don't know why, I have had plenty of money to pay the lawyer. The OM is definatly getting impaitent with me because of the constant delays on my part, but he has been telling me do this for you and only you and be 1000% sure before you do. Well I have NEVER been 1000% sure, I know that is one of the several reasons that I have not filed.
H is constantly telling me that he loves me and is really trying I am really seeing that he is trying. But now the problem that I have, do I trust that things will get better and we will be able to work things out. Or am I going to be on the ride again where he does just what he thinks he needs to, to keep me around. Been there done that... I can tell that this has really hit him hard, he has even asked about counceling, which I am more than willing to go to I think that is the only way that we will be able to get through all of this. I started counceling a couple of weeks ago to figure out what I should do, stay or leave. Well after my last appt with the C I thought I had finally made up my mind and I was leaving. But now I am not really sure, I don't want to cut the OM out of my life until I know for sure that H will be willing to do the same thing that I did, forgive me for the affair. The thought has crossed my mind that he has not figured out that something has been going on and not to tell him about it. But even my counselor has said that if you do stay with H you will need to tell him about OM.
I know that in order for things to work out with H and I the OM needs to be out of my life which I am willing to do, it will be hard but I am willing to do it. the OM will truly and depply hurt, and I will literally have no friends left but that is the price I will have to pay for this. OK maybe I should not say have no friends but I think that I will be left with a couple, but not many. So that is also something that I have to deal with.
I hope that someone out there will be willing to help me out with this HUGE mess that I have my self in.

[Hurtin4certain]

Racer Chick... I was in a similiar situation. ALthough I want with my W and she was proceeding with D, I met a girl and thought she was my soul mate.

The books are right, the infatuation wears off. My W called off the D in hopes of reconciliation but I thought I was in love with my new girl.

Now the tables have turned, I realized this girl was just an infatuation and that I really loved and missed my W.

Now she has an OM!!! UGH! I kick myself for not trying during when she wanted me back, but I was so wrapped up in my new R that I just didnt see it.

You would be wise to think this out before making any moves, take it from me, I now live with these HUGE regrets.

[LL44]

Kim. Ok. I am going to try to chime in, not judge and help in some way.

First of all, I am sorry you were a victim of infidelity. You yourself described how much it devastated you. Its a pain beyond words, one we never completely get over. Its wonderful that your H came back to you, tried counseling and seems to be in it for the long haul. Many, many of us can't say those things.

So, you saw your R spiraling downward, blaming it on your H...

Now let me explain where I was at that time in my R with H, he was beinging the definition of an insensitive jerk to put it nicely

What was your part in it? Did you completely forgive him, decide to move on to better things, enjoy your family, and you felt that he wasn't doing those things. I am just curious. Were you still in counseling at this point?

So with the opportunity that was dropped in my lap somebody who puts me on a peddistal and worships the gound that I walk on,

I actually have this in my life right now. My H is cheating on me, I find out someone at work wants to be with me. What do I do? I stay away from him, distance myself. No way I am putting my vulnerable self into that situation.

You are there now. You are in a serious relationship with someone other than your husband, and you seem more worried about hurting him than you do your husband (my H is doing this now, worried about OW's feeling, doesn't care about mine).

We have been carrying on the A now for almost a year and H still does not know

Has he asked? I think with the wedding ring issue, he was giving you an opportunity to confess. Why didn't you? Are you worried about hurting him, or worried your OM R will be messed up?

This really sucks:

The OM is definatly getting impaitent with me because of the constant delays on my part

So, basically you have given OM reasons to believe that you are soon divorcing your husband? But yes, your H doesn't know this, does he?


And this:

I don't want to cut the OM out of my life until I know for sure that H will be willing to do the same thing that I did, forgive me for the affair.

Didn't it hurt you a lot when your H continued talking to OW after the A was discovered? You are basically holding onto OM for whatever reason. Is OM married as well?

I know that in order for things to work out with H and I the OM needs to be out of my life which I am willing to do, it will be hard but I am willing to do it.

This is good. That part makes me a bit happier about your situation. But, what are you going to do now? Tell H first, or cut ties with OM?

I am at a loss of words (surprising with my above rantings), because you are doing what your H has done to you, something that will forever make you feel hurt and betrayed. I guess the curious nature in me wants to know how you can do this when you know the aftermath that is involved. I know how vulnerable I am, in need of someone..something..my self esteen is at an all time low. This is why I steer clear of situations like yours.

Please know, I am coming from a jaded side of the fence, and don't mean to judge you. Lord knows, I am nowhere near perfect. I also don't mean to hurt you by my words. I hope you don't take them too hard, and continue to post here. This is a place for healing and support.

[Racer Chick]

Thanks for the input,

Hurtin'- I will definatly be thinking about this.

lwb first off thanks I do completely understand where you are coming from, yes it was devistating for me to find out that H was having and A, and I told myself that I would NEVER put H through that same pain, but I am about to. All of the doubts, trust, lies yup I have thought all about that. That is what is going to really suck about all of this. H is worried about reeling me back in I am going to have to do the same thing with him.
I have thought long and hard about what I did to create this stich...and it comes down to communication and opportuinity.. That was the same when H had his. There were 'friends' that we leaned on that ended up not being friends after all, they were more or less waiting for the most opportune time to swoop down and 'save' us. Myself esteem at the time was at rock bottom. I equate it to getting kicked when you are already down kind of thing, but still it goes back to the communication that we did not have.
H has addmitted to me that he has not been the most supportive or appreciative of me but that goes back to I did not let him know how I was feeling at the time.
Remember I have been through this on the other side of the fence so I know that changes have to happen to both him and me and we need to work on this together or its not going to work.
I know that I said that I am worried about hurting OM but he has not had the most luck with women that he really cares about in his life. About a year or so before things started he ended a 7 year relationship so there were scares there that need to be healed before he moved on.
Oh when I tell H about OM there will be no contact what so ever with the OM period. As for what will happen first not sure I will have to play it by ear. I would like to talk to my counselor before I do do anything to talk throught it a bit before I do drop that bomb on both of them.
And as for coming acrossed jaded I don't think that you did, like I said before I was on here before and tried to post about this and it was not received well, that is why I tied a new user name.

[LL44]

Sorry you weren't received well last time around...

Thank you for your response. I guess we all have to admit we aren't immune to infidelity. I know my H is still very shocked that he is 'that' person now...

Have you read "Not Just Friends"? Its an amazing read, might help you understand how you got here.

[Racer Chick]

Yes I was more or less attacked and made to feel bad about where I was at. But to be honest I wanted the best of both worlds back then. I have gotten my head out of the clouds and realized that I do have to make a chioce and no matter how hard that choice is it is mine and nobody else can make it for me. That is one of the big reasons that I went back to counseling, to try and figure out what I wanted not what everybody else is telling me what I want.
Now before this last weekend and before my H and I had a serious talk I was ready to leave him, no questions asked. I did not care how much he has change or how much he says that he is going to change. But I seen the vulnerable side of him that I have not seen in quite sometime. I even came out and told him that I was done and was ready to leave him. I was tired of working alone and had no support. I even told him that I was not sure if I even loved him any more. I have thrown somethings at him that he threw at my while he was having his A, I know don't bring up past pain and things that happened in the past, BAD BAD BAD. That is some thing that I really have to work on the score keeping, thing.
No I have not read that book, actually I have not even heard of it, do you know who the author is? If not I will just google it later.

[LL44]

Not Just Friends

This is a hard book to read, and if you confess to H, he should read it too, as he has been there. Best of luck with your decision.

[Racer Chick]

I guess what do you mean its hard to read? That it will make me really think about what is going on or that it is hard to get into?

I got the link thanks, funny thing that I have already read some of the other books that were listed.

So far today H and I have had some pretty good times, we got our basement cleaned up finally, had dinner together finally , and baked cookies with our D. So I am taking stock in the positive things. But still there is that one thing that is hanging over my head.

I am steering clear of the OM for now, no contact with him at all today. He does work an odd schedule so he is off for the next couple of days and then back to work on days. I figure that that is what I need to do until I figure out how to do what I know that I need to do.

[Racer Chick]

OK Now I have a question for all of you out there, Do I tell or don't I? I really feel that I should tell my H about the affair but not EVERYTHING. Just throwing it out there to see what everyone else thinks.

[Hurtin4certain]

WHat is your goal Racer?