WAW does not want to try

[wawpioneer]

I really appreciate that. I will try to validate all I can and simply explore what if anything she is willing to do. I know that she really does not want to try it all either. I am curious though that if she trys without it being what she really wants is that going to get us anywhere? I don't know. If we try and it does not work for her then she will have the justification to leave because we "gave it one last try". That concerns me. She is at least going to C though and I am intrigued by that. She has made it clear that it is not to "work on us" but to work on her. C said that working on her could eventually turn into work in us. We will see.

I appreciate the luck. I will need it.

[wawpioneer]

Update,

She is going to MI for X-mas. That is going to be hard. She is driving. The OM that she had the EA with lives in Chicago. It could be easy for her to drop off there and have a PA. Any advice on how to handle this sitch? I want to tell her before she leaves that she is still M. I want to ask her if she has plans to see him. Help!!!

[Atlas]

Wawpioneer,

Don't say anything, you only put the idea into her head if you do. It will make her mad and then hey maybe why not. I'm not that good at this, but I wouldn't say anything but wish her a safe drive and a good holiday trip. That will send enough of a message.

[lushmd]

wawpioneer, I am not as experienced as many others in DBing, but my instinct would be to not say anything. As tough as it is to think about, if she is intent on straying, it will occur whether or not you say anything about it (in fact, discussing it with her may push her further from you and closer to OM). Hang tight my friend.

[Heimlich]

Tell her to drive safely and have a good trip.

BD

[Torchbearer]

Agree with the other posts, don't say a thing. It'll only plant the idea in her head and that will drive you crazy.

As to you concerns about not having children, that was a significant concern of mine and I was quite envious in some ways of others who had kids that could use them as a reason to communicate. In other ways I am very glad that I don't have kids to drag into this roller coaster. What worked for me was the mail. H moved out and I would send him his mail. A couple times it was just that, I would package it up and send it, no note or anything. After he was willing to talk with me I would use that as an excuse to get us out of the public eye (usually a coffee shop) to see if I could spark any convo. I would not initiate mind you, but it would give us a moment without prying eyes. You do really have to relish every moment you get to try and shine. Do not start R talk. Keep any contact light even though you will not feel happy.

My first meeting with my H was after 2 months of being S. We really had minimal contact, mostly really awful email fights, no phone contact and definitely nothing in person. I too was concerned with how he was going to see my changes. Trust me, they will if the change is sincere and better if it can be drastic. When we met I coached myself to be happy, smile, act confident, do not talk about R. I even prepped a bunch of non R things we could talk about. I made sure I was in charge of the conversation, even though I let him do most of the talking. If there was a lull I kept it moving so it wouldn't drift into negative talk. If your W is observant, she will notice. Then the trick is to keep the changes going.

Good luck and keep posting.

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

Ditto to everyone else's post. Less talking and more doing. What are you doing to make yourself a better man and a better husband and a more attractive option for her?

You know from my sitch, waw-p, that my w & I also have no kids. My wife is 2300 miles away, with OM. Has been with OM for more then a year. Moved out of state 9 months ago .... yet she calls me or emails me every day. Not because she has to (no kids, no mail to forward, no support payments). She calls me because she wants to. She enjoys talking to me now. Because I am a different person. She's not ready to return to the marriage - but also not willing to give up yet.

I took off my wedding band for about an hour once, early on, when I was ready to conceed. Not since. And my w knows it. She doesn't have to see it on my finger - she knows it in her heart. And so does the rest of the world. Sure they all think I'm in denial - but I would deny that (LOL). She's my w. We are and will always be connected, with or without kids, with or without the OM, notwithstanding the 2300 miles.

For you, the question is ... do you love your wife and honor your M enough to change you? To work on you? That has to be your focus and the real purpose to GAL'ing. Don't concern yourself with circumstances. Those will change day-to-day. Concern yourself with life-changes. A better YOU strengthens your R - no matter where your W may be emotionally or pysically.

[wawpioneer]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I will think about that a lot. Once I think about it she will do what she is going to do. If she is going to meet with him then there is nothing that I can do about it. Still difficult to not approach it all. What about once she gets back? Should I ask her whether she met with OM then?

[Heimlich]

Should I ask her whether she met with OM then?

No.

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

No. No. No. No. No.

He is insignificant. This is not about you, your w and OM. This is not about you and OM. This is not about your W & OM. This is about YOU AND YOUR WIFE. He does not matter in the end. For now, he's an inconvenience. A pimple on your back. That's it. He will go away. You must focus on you.

Don't even discuss him, none-the-less question her. You immediately give him some sort of credibility as if he could possibly ever know her as intimately as you have for the last 12 years. Be aware, but don't be consumed. He is a bandaid to her pain - all he can do is cover up the wound. You are the only one who can make it heal.