All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Evie]

My thread has locked.

I don't know how to link can anybody help please?

X Eve

[Evie]

Hi all,

Thought I'd give an update on yesterday which was a bitter sweet day.

Took D1 to the airport, she was happy and very excited and also a bit sad, but this is a positive life changing opportunity for her. Of course I cried all day on and off...... But i'm really happy for her and extremely proud.

H gave D a letter, it was beautiful. He said he was very proud of her. He said he still thought the world of me, and he was sorry the last 6 months had been bad and he wanted her to know that people change, things change and before you know it the everyday stuff catches you up, and to be warned...?

Trying not to analyse it, but can't help wondering if he thinks it's him thats changed or me? How can you not change? We added 2 more children to the family and a load more responsibility, it weighed heavily on both of us to the extent we lost sight of each other and our M.

H has just emailed this morning and said 'You shouldn't be sad you have been and still are a mum to be proud of - you have brought four wonderful children into this world and you are a fully supportive hub and loving mum to all of them, x is a credit to you in every way and i'm sure y, z and z will be no different, there couldn't be a better mum!!!!'

Feels nice to know that he thinks highly of me as a mum, if not as a person?

Wishing you all a good Friday, yes it's Friday.

How are you all, A, Cat, MLC, Saffie?

[azhira]

disappointed's last thread:

here

ETA: can't spell this morning...

[azhira]

Sounds like an olive branch...the thing about your kids. When xh is trying to cheer me up, he resorts to the "You're the best mommy in the world." I also hear less hostility in your interaction.

How did you respond? Did you respond?

[Evie]

Azhira, thanks so much for posting my thread for me, much appreciated. I was up until nearly midnight last night trying to do it, sssooooo frustrating.

Anyways, no I didn't respond to his email or call or text, I wasn't playing mind games and I can't give a reason for not answering. I was really pleased that he had taken the time to write such nice things, I suppose I didn't know how to respond?, I didn't know what to say. I seem to get a greater response from him if I don't immediately answer but that wasn't the reaon I didn't.

H could very easily avoid seeing me if he wanted to, but he doesn't. He dropped S1 off from his activity and came into the home for 25 mins, very chatty, mainly talked about D1 in france and work!!! I always ask how his day has been but never ask about his life. He hardly asks about my day, but thats ok by me. I'm trying to be more distant, but he wont let me!! He keeps popping up. He treats me with respect and as a friend, except we don't go out for a beer and a curry!!!

I'm glad you think I'm less hostile, I didn't think I was hostile, but thanks for pointing that out, I hope he didn't pick up on that so much and I hope I don't come across as cold to H, difficult to know how to react to him. I know its way too soon for him, I miss him, i don't miss the atmosphere, the r as friends is better, do you think they miss us?

H has just sent me a txt telling us to enjoy putting up the xmas tree tomorrow. So i have replied inviting him to help/watch/referee the boys.. i said we have the mulled wine, just bring some mince pies....i'll let you know the response in a minute..ok he replied and said he may well do, phew i took a risk with the invite, thought he would say no, 180 for him if he does help, because he never has in the past...

Thanks for reading, any comments welcome.

How's that baby of your Azhira?

X Eve

[azhira]

Just simply say: "Thank you for the nice words. It really means a lot to me." Write in an email if you don't trust yourself. But, I do think you should respond, even if it's not right away.

He keeps popping up. He treats me with respect and as a friend

Good!! You don't have to accept, but thank him for the consideration.

Baby is...well, technically, I have a toddler. Almost 14 months old. Yikes!! But he is good. Very happy little boy. Thanks for asking.

[Evie]

Great age, toddling around, into everything, he'll be talking next!!

Well H didn't show up to help with the decorations. Why am I not surprised? Actually I am, he has never let us down, received text 4 hours later to say he has been with a friend all day. I replied that it wasn't a problem, we had fun anyway.

All for now.

X Eve

[Evie]

Correction on the post above, I meant to say H texted me 2 1/2 hrs later not 4.

H came round at T time to drop something off and to look at the xmas tree, he looked ace, smartly dressed (normally casual, due to work), I was serving dinner and asked him if he wanted to stay, he thanked me for asking but said he had eaten with his friend earlier. (where did they go??? i'm so curious, he could have gone shopping for my xmas present.....!!!Ha I don't think so..i'm really really not expecting anything, although my b is just after xmas, he may feel obliged, b/c i got him a present??)

I need some thoughts on a plan i have for tomorrow.

H is collecting boys and looking after them while I go to work for a few hours. He has offered to cook a sunday roast for the family. I said it was a good idea. Now i'm considering not coming back straight after work and going to the gym instead and texting him to say carry on without me as I can't make it.

My questions are:

a) should I just come back for lunch as arranged(actions speak louder than words, maybe his way of making up for letting us down today)

or

b)Will it have the desired affect of been mysterious and distancing myself or will it p*** h off & he'll see it as a tit for tat tactic after he let us down today?

I am hurt he didn't show up today, but I don't want him to know that and have resisted the urge to text him and tell him so and also to ask why he didn't text to let us know he wasn't coming. Old me would do that, new me acted as if it was no big deal and we had fun anyway.

Any thoughts welcome?

X Eve

[SweetRedd]

My two cents - show up for lunch looking great. Treat him as a friend and act like you're doing well. End the time together on a good note and don't linger. If it's at your place "hint" that you must get on to other things. If it's at his, leave earlier than he'd expect. I'd keep the interactions children centered and happy. Might could give him a little wink as you go out the door telling him it was a nice meal, you have something to attend to, but maybe you'll see him again over the holiday.

[Evie]

Thanks Piglet,

Meant to say that H was cooking lunch at my house. H cooked a lovely lunch and he enjoyed his time off work to be with the boys. (Goal achieved by getting him to take a day off work a week, so i'm pleased b/c b4 bomb he would never have considered this suggestion....yeah to me)

He looked great to, new jeans and told me of a trendy new jacket he had bought as well.

H never mentioned yesterday and neither did I. I saw his friend who he was with who asked me if H had told me what that had done because what should of lasted half an hour took two!! I said H hadn't told me, so his friend wouldn't either, he was laughing as he said it.

H looked good and sounded good too, he was more upbeat than i have seen him in a long time...

H hung around after lunch until he had to leave for work and we chatted together at the dinner table for an hour. He is concerned about the security of his job and was sharing this with me, I validated his thoughts and agreed that 70 hours a week is an unreasonable amount to work a week - I have been telling him this for years, I guess he thought I was nagging and needed to work this out for himself?. I said you need some work/life balance.

S1 came back to the table and asked H if he loved mommy? H replied 'in a way, yes'....then S1 asked me if i loved daddy and I replied 'yes'.

It was nice to share a meal with him and I enjoyed his company, it was nice and calm and we had time to be together to talk as the kids went back to a dvd they had been watching. B4 this H would have left the table to have a nap b4 he went back to work.

Can anybody suggest a goal or two for me please?

I would like to go out for a meal just the 2 of us, but I want H to plan and ask me and I don't think he will.

Would it be too pursuey (new word!) to text him and thank him for lunch today and say that I enjoyed talking to him, and suggest we go out for meal sometime? I'm reluctant b/c I used to be the social secretary and always plan things and I would feel rejected again if he refused. Any thoughts?

Great to hear from anybody.

X Eve