I could make the same arguments with xh. Obviously, it doesn't work.
So...what do you think she's getting out of these "online boyfriends"?
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She always complains that I "dont respect her, as an intelligent, rational person".
She wants you to listen. Just...listen. No arguing back.
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she usually metaphorically sticks her fingers in her ears, to my reply of, "you have a great mind; you just choose to deliberately not apply it sometimes". (emphasis mine)
Sounds like, to me, you are telling her that you don't respect her thoughts and feelings.
Not sure where you came about that chart up there, but I can certainly agree that it mirrors my own personal hell.
Funny, talking to a friend today about my crap and she said to me,"Hound have you ever seen a picture of OM (who lives 1329 miles away)?"
To which I replied, "Yea, I think he is the good looking guy on W's phone." Met with laughter....
"No he is the dorky guy with the flat top!" she said. "I am married hound, but in the looks department she is a dumba** for this one." Not sure what that does for you, but I find it funny that your chart is a carbon copy of my life.
You have been so helpful to me in this hell, I wish I had some Domisms for you now. Hmmmmm....growl.........chomp....... can't really come up with anything. It is end of month at work though so I am on financial mental overload right now.
Maybe something will come to me before I leave to go home....
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
She always complains that I "dont respect her, as an intelligent, rational person".
She wants you to listen. Just...listen. No arguing back.
I am very happy to listen to her. Trouble is, seems like she wants me to agree, without question or alteration, to whatever it is she's trying to get me to do at the time. I can listen all I want, quietly... and then I'm expected to agree with what she wants to do. Any attempt to discuss, or debate "that doesnt make sense to me, what about...?", is met with complaints that I'm "not treating her as an intelligent rational person". (or, she just shuts down communication entirely with an angry outburst.)
Either she "wins", or I'm "treating her as mentally inferior". There is no equal weight given to both our opinions. Hers is always better (while at the same time, accusing me that I think i'm always right)
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she usually metaphorically sticks her fingers in her ears, to my reply of, "you have a great mind; you just choose to deliberately not apply it sometimes". (emphasis mine)
Sounds like, to me, you are telling her that you don't respect her thoughts and feelings.
If she told me that she wanted something based on her feelings... i could understand that. I could even respect that.
The thing is, there are situations where it seems she makes a decision, or wants something, solely based on an emotional "this is what I want" basis... while claiming "this is the logical" thing to do. yet any attempts at having an actual logical point-for-point discussion on the matter, is met with refusal to debate.
I know that she is intelligent. I know this, because when I raise a point that she has an answer for, she calmly and rationally talks it out. However, she is also smart enough to figure out when I raise a valid point to which she does not have an answer for, before I even completely describe it..and then often REFUSES to let me finish describing the relevant point! She diverts, distracts, or otherwise shuts down the conversation at this point. Anything to avoid her "being wrong", seems like. She's all for logical argument... until she sees that logic points against what she wants to do, and then she shuts down further logical discussion.
Does my quote about her seem more accurate now? How would you suggest I deal with that?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
So...what do you think she's getting out of these "online boyfriends"?
oh.. you know.. the usual stuff... the rush of the feeling of "new romance", personal validation of "you're so wonderful!!!" from a new infatuee, someone new-and-interesting to talk to, the "another person finds you attractive enough to be interested in you" rush... (got a whiff of that myself yesterday ... powerful stuff! phew...)
Why bother with a boring "old" spouse, when there's a new partner to keep you amused? (particularly if you dont let the "old spouse" actually DO anything interesting with you, so he stays old and boring....)
Last edited by Dom R; 11/30/0710:38 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
DOM - What are you doing? You are the king of this stuff. Telling her that she does not apply her mind? You would kill me for that one!
Come on dude... you know this stuff better than anyone.
She does the online stuff because it's an escape from reality and does not require real intimacy. That may be the root of the issue. Unfortunately, some women have a propensity for divorce. They most likely did not have a great relationship with their mom & dad and do not know how to get close to a spouse.
Dom, here's the positive. She's trying to "date" losers. She'll flame out eventually. Given the history of what she's been doing, she'll flame out one after another and eventually will get tired of it and realize you are the one. It's a lot more scary if she's actually being sane and honestly looking for someone that make you feel like you can't compete with. Look at your chart, everything on there says you are way better and the dude is a major L. Keep DBing and keep doing things that make you the better person. Either she'll see it and realize what she's losing, or if she doesn't, well, it's her loss cuz you deserve someone that appreciates you.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
DOM - What are you doing? You are the king of this stuff. Telling her that she does not apply her mind? You would kill me for that one!
Eh... yeah, i know, it isnt great. I needed an honest response, for her accusations of me treating her like she is illogical. And the truth is, sometimes I do.. because sometimes, she IS illogical, as I have just described. She chooses to ignore logical issues, in favour of "this is what I feel/this is what I want". I have said to her in the past, on occasion, straight up, "what you are saying is not logical".
And.. for those occasions, it truely wasnt.
I dont say globally, that "she isnt applying herself" or something like that. I said that *sometimes*, she chooses not to. Buut... she probably takes the "worst possible interpretation" and internalizes it as "I'm saying that she never thinks", even though that is not at all what I am saying.
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She does the online stuff because it's an escape from reality and does not require real intimacy. That may be the root of the issue.
interesting theory. she certainly seems to act as though she is "intimately connected" with the person of the month. Yet at the same time... i'm fairly sure that she would never tell them the things about herself, that she has told me. Or even if she did... they couldnt possibly understand how much it has affected her as I have, sleeping next to her for 10+ years.
I wonder if they still bother her. I wish she would let me be there for her.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Obviously, it doesn't work.
