HELP! Can't take the way H talks to me!!

[not an ex yet]

I have another post in the Newcomers section, but I think my situation fits more appropriately here. I just wanted to post what happened last night and see if you all had any feedback. I am at a loss! Please feel free to ask questions if you haven't read my other thread! Keep in mind we haven't had any R talk since that last time he said he wanted D back in August. Nothing has been filed and it hasn't been brought up since. Okay, here is what happened last night:
I picked up the kids from school and went home as usual. H called right when we got home and said that his mom wanted us to go to her house b/c she wanted to buy some cookie dough from the kids b/c they are selling it for their school. We weren't doing anything so I said OK. I asked him if he was going out there too or just us and he said he wasn't even in town yet and he had to do this and that so he MIGHT stop out when he is done. I was just asking, but it sounded like he was making excuses to not go so I didn't worry about it. We went out there and MIL acted surprised to see us. She did buy cookie dough but I don't think we were "supposed" to go out there. Anyway, we were there for maybe 15 minutes and H walked in. He didn't say much and MIL asked him to do something for her computer so he was working on that the whole time we were there. We were leaving and he was still sitting at the computer on hold and I went in there and said that we were going home and he could stop by when he was done if he wanted to b/c he didn't get a chance to even say hi to the kids. So we walked outside and MIL was out there showing the kids the Christmas lights and H came out and told MIL he just sent the people an email b/c he was tired of waiting on hold. So he walked out with us and stood by the car for a minute. I asked him if he was coming over and he said yes but he had to go home and eat something first. I said OK. This was at 8:00 so the kids were only going to be awake for 30 more minutes anyway, but whatever. So we went home, put on jammies and all that and laid down on the couch until he got there. S6 went to bed and I put D3 to bed. They both got out of bed and went to my bed b/c they always sleep with me anyway. H hung out and we watched TV. I was ready for bed but he was still hanging out and still had his shoes on so I just kind of laid with him on the couch.He asked me why the kids still slept with me and I told him that they like to sleep with me when he is not there. He said it kind of snotty and he said, "I suppose the dog sleeps with you too?" I told him she sleeps with S6 when I take him to his bed, otherwise she goes outside. (what does he care?) Finally at 10:49 I said I was going to bed and asked if he was staying. He got all pi$$ed off and said, "not anymore, it took you 49 minutes to ask!" He said he was planning on it and said that I saw him walk in with his bag and put it by the front door (which I didn't). I said I was waiting for him to say lets go to bed or that he was going home, I didn't know I had to ask. I told him I didn't see him bring in his bag, but I would like him to stay. He said, "NO!" So I sat down and said, OK, bye. Then he just stood there and I asked why he had to be so mean, he said b/c I am always a bi#ch to him. He said all night I tried starting crap with him. He said I ask him something and then look at him with a stupid f##king look on my face. I told him I was just trying to see his response b/c half the time he ignores me, and he won't look at me when he talks and he always acts so pi$$ed off I just want to see how he is reacting. He said I needed to start thinking before I open my fu##ing mouth and that I don't use my head. He said I need to slow down and think. He said half the questions I ask him I could answer myself if I would just pay attention to what is going on. He kept tapping his finger on his head, like "think" which is probably the one thing that pi$$es me off more than anything. I stayed calm and said I didn't understand what he was talking about and to give me an example. He couldn't come up with one he just said, "EVERYTHING, you ask me how to do this and that, and why this and that, just think first and quit looking at me with that stupid fu#king look on your face every time you ask me something. He sat back down and I said a few things back that of course he didn't even hear. I finally said whatever, I am going to bed and I would like it if you would join me but you can go if you want. He said he couldn't b/c there were kids and dogs in my bed. S6 and the dog had already gone back to S's bed so I went in there and moved D3 and told him I didn't see any dogs in there but there weren't any kids left. So he came to bed. I was laying down and he just laid down and kept his hands as far away from me as possible. I grabbed him arm and moved it up so I could lay on his chest. As I was doing that I asked him why I had to be the one to ask him to do everything and why he wouldn't be the first to touch me (like right then). I asked him why he didn't want me to feel good. He said it was his turn to be happy, that I was a spoiled fu##ing bi#ch and that I have gotten everything I want and still do, he wants to be happy and that is what he has been doing for the last 6 months. I asked him if that was working for him. He said, "yep!" I said, "because I am not around?" He said "yep!" I asked him if he thought that me supposedly getting everything I want was what makes me happy. He said well it doesn't make you unhappy. I told him that all I wanted was this (pointing at his heart). He said, "bull$hit!" I told him he could be happy if he would quit being so defensive and listen to what I am saying. He said he has been listening to me for the past 7 years and I haven't heard any of it until the last 6 months. ( I know that doesn't make sense, but that is what he said...not sure where he was going with that one.) I said, "fine, I finally get it! You don't want me, you don't want me to be happy, lets just get this over with. I finally know what to give you for Christmas!" (meaning a D). I said I was tired of wondering and he said he was just waiting for this house thing to get over with (we are waiting to hear from this guy about our credit to get our house payment back down...long story). I said not to worry about the house, if this is what he wanted I want to get it done and over with. I told him if it was just a matter of finances then let's just do it. He said, ookaay?? like I was being crazy. He said he has told me all of this before and I knew he was just waiting on the house deal. I said that I guess I got confused and I guess I thought maybe there was still some hope but I didn't want to be confused anymore so lets just get it done. Then all of a sudden he said that he has been trying to figure all this out for the last 6 months. I said, "figure what out?" He pointed to me and him and said, "US!" He said he is trying to decide what he wants but I won't let him. I said, I thought you just told me what you want, you are just waiting on the house? He said he didn't know and how many times does he have to tell me that! He said, "If I had given up then why would I be here all the time?" I said, "I have no idea!" He said if he gave up he would have taken his stuff and moved states away." I said, "you are saying two totally contradictory things...if you are just waiting for finances to settle and you are done then say so, if you really don't know then say that! I don't know what you are trying to say." He said, "what if I am just waiting for the house?" I said, "then say so!" He went back to the whole I need to think before I talk thing and slow down. I started crying at this point. He said, "I'm not saying you are stupid or dumb...you think all day at work why can't you do it after?" I said something about him calling me a b#tch and he said, "you are a woman, of course you are a b#tch, all women are bi#ches!" I laid there and cried for about an hour and he rolled over and went right to sleep! He is so confused he doesn't even know what he is saying!
Before then S6 lost his 2nd tooth last night. When he lost the first one I got it and put the $$ on his dresser and asked H what I was supposed to do with the tooth; after all this was my first time as tooth fairy. I thought I remembered keeping mine when I was little (seems gross now!). He said, "throw it away, I never kept mine. I assume they just got thrown away!" He said it all mean like I was stupid. Then last night, I got the tooth and put the $$ down and came out and threw it away. He said, "did you throw that away?" I said, "yeah. Why, was I supposed to keep it?" He said, "Yeah, you keep their fu#king hair, why wouldn't you keep his tooth!" I just smiled and said, "are you kidding me?" I reminded him of the last conversation and he said he didn't remember that. I missed the trash when I threw the tooth away anyway so I went and got it and put it on H's sink.

So....this morning he was getting ready and I was standing on my bed and asked him to come over there. I told him thank you for staying last night and I will think about some of the things you said. I told him I didn't intend to be a bi#ch to him, I thought I had been being nice but I would work on it. I said I understand that he thinks I have been spoiled and now it is his turn but that didn't mean I didn't deserve to be loved and respected. He said, "I never said it was my turn to be spoiled, I said I wanted to be happy." I said, "you're right, that is what I meant I guess I am mixing up my thoughts and not being clear..." before I could finish he said, "See…THINK (tapping his finger on his head again)! It's not that fu##ing hard to talk!" I just walked away. When he left he gave me a kiss and I didn't say anything. At this point I'm scared to! When he was walking off he said, "I'll stop being bi#chy!" and left.

[not an ex yet]

Sorry, I know that was a long one...if you are still with me, Thanks!

[Jeanette1120]

Uhm

WOW



Gotta digest this......cuz first thing I want to say is your H is an [censored]!

Sorry

He really needs a reality check

[brandnewday]

WOWWW!!!!!!

Can you break up this post into paragraphs, it is so hard to read.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Well there is certainly alot of anger there.
There certainly is a whole lot of confusion and inconsitency.
Have you always let him get away with calling you these names and vulgarity?

You may very well want to read the MLC resources at the top of this board and see if your husband fits into this.

How is your self esteem by the way? Is it pretty good?

[not an ex yet]

That's what I thought...WOW!
Jack,
No, he has never talked to me like this... up until the last few months that is.
My self-esteem??? It is lacking and gets worse by the day with his attitude. I cannot do ANYTHING right in his eyes and he lets me know it. I know it is unacceptable the way he is acting, but then I catch myself apologizing to him!! Or I will sit and think, maybe I should have just asked him to stay earlier and he wouldn't have said all that? But I know that is no way to think!

[not an ex yet]

BND,
I thought I could go back and edit my post to split it up...but I guess you can't after it has responses.

Sorry, it didn't look so 'compact' when I was typing it.

If anyone has time to go over and read my other thread, it might make this all come together a little better. He has been nothing but mean since he left and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I just need some advice!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

advice?

Read the resources at the top. DO NOT use the timeline. DO NOT try and figur out what stage your Husband is in. Read MLC for Dummies.

Really try and figure out if your H is having a MLC.

No Relationship Talks.

No Pressure.

Do not seem needy.

Do NOT LET him damage your self esteem.

Realize you can only control yourself.

Learn to validate: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Do not let him talk to you that way. (that is a personal thing for me.) Be firm but not antagonisitc.

Do not get your hopes up with little things from him right now.

[not an ex yet]

Here is a shortened version of yesterday for those who didn't get through the first one: It's still long, but hopefully easier to follow:

I picked up the kids from school and went home as usual. H called and said that his mom wanted us to go to her house. We weren't doing anything so I said OK. I asked him if he was going out there too or just us and he said he MIGHT stop out when he is done running around.

We went out there and MIL acted surprised to see us. We were there for maybe 15 minutes and H walked in. MIL asked him to do something for her computer so he was working on that the whole time we were there. We were leaving and I told him that we were going home and he could stop by when he was done if he wanted to.

He finished up quickly and walked out to the car with us. I asked him if he was coming over and he said yes but he had to go home and eat something first. This was at 8:00. I took the kids home and got ready for bed. After H got there the kids went to bed. H hung out and we watched TV.

I was ready for bed but he was still hanging out and still had his shoes on so I just kind of laid with him on the couch. He asked me why the kids still slept with me and I told him that they like to sleep with me when he is not there. He said it kind of snotty and he said, "I suppose the dog sleeps with you too?" (what does he care?)

Finally at 10:49 I said I was going to bed and asked if he was staying. He got all pi$$ed off and said, "not anymore, it took you 49 minutes to ask!" He said he was planning on it and said that I saw him walk in with his bag (which I didn't). I didn't think I had to ask him to stay, he knows I want him to. I told him I didn't see him bring in his bag, but I would like him to stay. He said, "NO!" So I sat down and said, OK, Bye. He just stood there and I asked why he had to be so mean? He said b/c I am always a bi#ch to him. He said all night I tried starting a fight with him, and I ask him something and then look at him with a stupid f##king look on my face. I told him I was just trying to see his response b/c half the time he ignores me, and he won't look at me when he talks and he always acts so pi$$ed off I just want to see how he is reacting.

He said I needed to start thinking before I open my fu##ing mouth and that I don't use my head and I need to slow down and think. He said half the questions I ask him I could answer myself if I would just pay attention to what is going on. He kept tapping his finger on his head, like "think"! I said I didn't understand what he was talking about and to give me an example. He couldn't come up with one he said, "EVERYTHING, just think first..." I said a few things back that of course he didn't even hear.

I finally said I was going to bed and I would like it if he would join me but he could go if he wanted. He came to bed.

I was laying in bed and he just laid down and kept his hands as far away from me as possible. I grabbed his arm and moved it up so I could lay on his chest. As I was doing that I asked him why I had to be the one to ask him to do everything and why he wouldn't be the first to touch me (like right then). I asked him why he didn't want me to feel good. He said it was his turn to be happy; that I was a spoiled fu##ing bi#ch and that I have gotten everything I want and still do. He wants to be happy and that is what he has been trying to do for the last 6 months. I asked him if that was working for him. He said, "yep!" I said, "because I am not around?" He said "yep!" I asked him if he thought that me supposedly getting everything I want was what makes me happy. He said, "well it doesn't make you unhappy." I told him that all I wanted was this (pointing at his heart). He said, "bull$hit!" I told him he could be happy if he would quit being so defensive and listen to what I am saying. He said he has been listening to me for the past 7 years and I haven't heard any of it until the last 6 months. ( I know that doesn't make sense, but that is what he said) I said, "Fine, I finally get it! You don't want me, you don't want me to be happy, lets just get this over with. I finally know what to give you for Christmas!" (meaning a D). I said I was tired of wondering, and he said he was just waiting for this house thing to get over with (we are waiting to hear about our credit to get our house payment back down...long story). I told him if it was just a matter of finances then let's just do it. He said he has told me all of this before and I knew he was just waiting on the house deal. I said that I guess I got confused and thought maybe there was still some hope, but I didn't want to be confused anymore so lets just get this done.

Then all of a sudden he said that he has been trying to figure all this out for the last 6 months. I said, "figure what out?" He pointed to me and him and said, "US!" He said he is trying to decide what he wants but I won't let him. I said, "I thought you just told me what you want, you are just waiting on the house?" He said he didn't know and how many times does he have to tell me that! He said, "If I had given up then why would I be here all the time?" He told me that if he had given up he would have taken his stuff and moved away.

A bit later, he went back to the whole 'I need to think before I talk and slow down' thing. I started crying at this point. I said something about him calling me a b#tch and he said, "you are a woman, of course you are a b#tch, all women are bi#ches!" I laid there and cried for about an hour and he rolled over and went right to sleep! He is so confused he doesn't even know what he is saying!

Before all this, S6 had lost his 2nd tooth. When he lost the first one I got it and put the $$ on his dresser and asked H what I was supposed to do with the tooth; after all this was my first time as tooth fairy. I thought I remembered keeping mine when I was little (seems gross now!). He said, "throw it away, I never kept mine. I assume they just got thrown away!" He said it mean like I was stupid. So last night, I got the tooth and put the $$ down and came out and threw it away. He said, "did you throw that away?" I said, "yeah. Why, was I supposed to keep it?" He said, "Yeah, you keep their fu#king hair, why wouldn't you keep a tooth!" I reminded him of the last conversation and he said he didn't remember that.

[not an ex yet]

Thanks! I appreciate the responses here. I will check out the resources and hopefully get some insight there.

How do I get him to stop talking to me like that?

Should I not let him come around if he is going to be that way?

Do I just tell him that is unacceptable and tell him I won't respond to him if he addresses me that way? Or do I just detach and try to keep as little contact with him as possible?

I'm not sure where to start!