Knowing me, knowing you

[hurtandlost]

Hello All,

I am new to this forum and have been posting under Infidelity where I got great advice.
Below are my other threads.

So H had EAs, cyber sex and a PA. We are trying to piece now.
I need some advice on how to respond to him on this. He's been initiating some R talks. He never did before. This is the second one he initiated.

He still insists that I couldn't be separated from him. That we are dependent on each other. He says because he feels I wouldn't separate it makes him cool about our problems. That it would be worst than losing his parents because I would still be around.

He says that me being nice to him but setting boundaries looks like a traffic light that is red sometimes and green sometimes and it's confusing to him. That he got mad at me for the boundaries but when he see I was sad he blames himself. He does not understand why I am still hurt if the As stopped. That know I can see he is not a saint but a man. That the EA's and cyber sex was just play and he still don't see anything wrong about it.

I just sat there and listened, did not say anything because in the back of my mind I felt that if I said he would stop venting.

I was angry about how he feels I can be his doormat and not leave. I am concerned now that he's with me because after his parents passed away he has only one family member left besides me. And I am mad he does not understand the boundaries as needs I want to have met.

Anyway, due to my "cucumberish" state he just told me he felt good about being able to talk to me like things are in the past and without distress.

Funny story though: The only question I asked him was now that he knows what we've been through,what could I have done when I found out about the first EA that would have stopped you for good? He said he wish I had set him up and not confronted him, like scheduling a meeting and leaving him a letter instead of showing up and then disappearing for sometime. (Talk about how going dark helps, huh? If I knew then what I know now...)

I am getting the shivers he does not understand my need yet and feel like he's struggling to keep his way in our relationship.

I don't know what to do to show him otherwise. I am trying to piece and afraid that if I take some measure it will scare the heel out of him.

Any thoughts?


First Thread
Second Thread - The Atomic Bomb
Third Thread - May be getting better
Fourth Thread - How to respond?

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, girl, if it makes you feel any better, it could just be a "guy thing." My H seems to just want to "get on w/ it" and doesn't dwell on things, etc. I have slowly allowed myself to ask certain things, but I usually wait & make sure that I really need to discuss/ask about something before I bring it up. At first, I was still "scared" to ask anything - afraid that it may "change his mind" again about staying & not getting a D or whatever. I finally began to feel more comfortable. This piecing deal sucks pretty badly and I can tell you that the trust thing is hard. Every time I think I've overcome it and am absolutely sure he will never cheat on me again, something happens to make me *wonder*.

Anyway, especially at this time of year, just see if you can't enjoy, relax and just sit back & watch for a bit. See how things are going, how H reacts/acts and see what works best for you.

[hurtandlost]

Hi RHW,

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I guess you are right about the guy thing. It's funny how I had all the questions in the world and now I can't open my mouth.

I remembered you this morning and your doubt of yesterday. I woke up with my H doing something under the covers on his phone. Got really angry but just asked what it was not really wanting to know. Turns out he was turning off the alarm and I felt silly.

It's like that Elvis music keeps playing in my head all the time: Suspicious minds.

As you said, sit back & watch and relax can be fun. I will keep that in mind.

[RedHeadWife]

Well, like I said, as far as "all the questions" go, what I found was that if I waited awhile, I actually figured out that I may not even want to ask a specific question or even want to know what the answer was/is. There were certain things I decided I didn't even want to know. It took a long time before I felt comfortable talking to him about anything that had happened and just kept acting "as if" nothing had even happened. Then, slowly I felt a bit more confident that things were really going to be ok.

Everyone talks about the 48 hour rule: if you think you want to bring something up or talk about a specific issue or something, wait 48 hours before you do so that (1) you will know if it is really that important and (2) you have time to figure out in your mind how best to bring it up and word it.

[hurtandlost]

Great tip! I haven't thought about applying the 48 eight hour rule about the question. Thanks RHW.

[RedHeadWife]

Isn't it funny how all of us on here don't even know each other, but we'll think about each other IRL at times??!!

[hurtandlost]

It sure is.

I remember people here, I get concerned, I get happy and I get sad...

Sometimes when in a social event or something people make judgmental remarks or jokes about couples things or infidelity and I just want to smack them because I think of all of us here.

Actually lately I don't look at couples with the sames eyes. Figure lots of people go through it and we don't even know.

But glad we have this forum!

[RedHeadWife]

I noticed that too after & during my whole D sitch -- just an example was the couple across the street -- I could hear them fighting/arguing all the time, just had a baby, etc. and I felt bad for them and couldn't help but think "if only you knew!" I see R's so differently now too -- I see people totally taking their spouse for granted and, again, wonder when one of them may reach their breaking point and want out.

[hurtandlost]

I posted a while ago about a story with one of my neighbors. My husband and I used to hear their fights. As a poet here says when you take a closer look at people everybody is far from "normal".

And I do not see many seeking for help. One of the things I was really glad was to find support here. There's nothing similar where I live. I have always thought I've learned English for mundane reasons. Now I am thankful it's for a valuable one.

I guess we also feel we want to help everyone with this knowledge. This is one of those situation when you can truly say you don't want your worst enemy to go through.

[peaceful_spirit]

OMG, I can relate to almost everything I've read on this thread. Redhead, i feel like you're inside my head. I look at other Rs and see their disaster ahead of them. It's a negative way to think, I know... but I feel like I know something they don't.

My view on getting M has changed, too. When I got M, I thought, 'we're in love. So, it will last forever. That's how it works'. WRONG. That saying, "Sometimes love just isn't enough" is so true. M is not about love. I mean, isn't everybody in love when they decide to spend theri lives together? It's about how to grow together... how to resolve conflict... understanding each other's needs... It's so much more than warm and fuzzy feelings that all Rs begin with.

It's hard. That's why so many end in D. I didn't think there was anything harder than parenting. But I think the M is actually harder. Is that possible?