Suspect Affair- please help!

[KPK]

Never posted in this forum before, have stayed in Newbies until now... I now suspect my H is having an affair, maybe an EA, maybe a PA, don't know. Here is why I suspect: He's worked with a woman for a couple of years now who he seems to like (as a "friend") very much; always told me how much I would like her. I have met her twice, and while she's nice, I always had a feeling about her that puts me on edge. My H knows that I've felt odd about it; I "joked" sometimes he must be having an affair with her, to which he replied "you think I'm having an affair with everyone." He has sworn constantly that there is no one. Ok, I can be a little paranoid, but given the last 5 months of emotional and physical isolation I think I'm justified. Possible OW came to a yard party at our house a year ago or so, with her H, D4 and S7, and all I could think was "why did she wear stilletos (sp?) to try and chase the kids around the yard?" Anyway, H has been spending increasing time at work, working late, weekends, which given his job is not that unusual in itself, except he told me recently he's been spending time there because of the situation here. I then broke a DB rule and started snooping. Nothing unusual except one credit card statement- around his birthday a $100 charge at a steakhouse no where near his office. I played dumb and on the phone and said someone was asking me about this restaurant in such and such town, and wondered if he had ever been there on business (plausible). He said no. Fast forward to dinner that night and the first question out of his mouth to me is who asked me about the restaurant and why. I said a friend at work was talking about good restaurants, wanted to know about it. He then "remembered" his work friends had taken him out for his B-day, and it was there. I do know he went out. I said that's pretty far away from work (in Cambridge MA, lots of restaurants in Boston and Cambridge), so why drive so far? He said its not unusual. Bull. If they took him out why the $100 charge? Why drive 45 minutes? So I left it alone, was getting nowhere. Then a few weeks ago we had a table to get rid of, he said he'd ask at work. Surprise, the possible OW said she might be interested. No other info until 3 days ago and I realized it was gone. H said its been gone for a week, possible OW has it, he broke it down and took it to work to give her; said he told me. I have no recollection of him telling me, nor is there any time he went out to break down and put a large table in his SUV. Only time I or the kids aren't here is during work/school, so when did he do this? Next- I went away for a night 2 weeks ago, kids stayed here. When I get back H tells me he took them to an indoor playground, met some kids from pre-school, played with some kids named X and Y. I said ok, sounds like fun. Sudenly this morning my D6 starts talking about how much fun she, my S3, X and Y had together at the playground. I then realize X and Y are possible OW's kids' names. I say to D6 "who were they with?" "Their mom; daddy works with her." Ok,freaking out now. Asked if Daddy was surprised to see her/them, D6 said yes, he was surprised. An act maybe? She then said they all played together, got balloons, walked out to their cars and went home. I said "you all left togehter?" "Yes." So, again I play dumb to H on the phone- "D6 keeps talking about playing with X and Y at a playground, and that you knew their mommy, but I can't remember anythng about this... H says I told you that possible OW was there with her kids, unexpectedly. They played, then OW and kids left, and H stayed with our kids to play. DISCREPANCY- D6 is adament they all left at the same time, bought balloons, and went home. Why lie about that sort of thing? I also would have remembered if H had told me possible OW was there. Am I crazy? Am I reading too much into this? I can be paranoid. Someone please help!!!

Me 39
H 45
D6
S3
M11 T13
ILYBNILWY 7/15/07
H still here but that may change
Possible OW

My story

[Yoyowife]

KPK,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, our intuition is usually correct about these types of things. There certainly are a lot of coincidences aren't there?

If you haven't read "Divorce Remedy" yet, I suggest you get it immediately. I also suggest that you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Welcome to our little board, there are lots of wonderful and caring people here that will be able to offer you support and advice.

[runningoutoftime]

Yoyo is right. Intuition usually is correct. I'm sorry about your situation. I understand about not wanting to seeme "paranoid." My husband used to accuse me of that too. But regardless of him having an affair or not, just giving you the ILYBNILWY indicates susceptibility. You need to read DB and start GALing (get out your own stilletos!).

[SallyM]

oh man, that is just gross, that he got the kids involved.

I'll tell you, I never suspected an affair in my life until the day I found out about it. but that day, wow, I knew something was up. and boy was it ever.

you have me curious as to where he went for dinner, because wow, yeah, choices of steak places in boston/cambridge are numerous. to drive any distance for one seems odd. can't even think of one worth driving to that could come close to some in boston.

I really am sorry. I know how much this all hurts. I agree, if you haven't read DR, get it. DB is good too, but DR addresses infidelity more thoroughly. at least I thought it did.

[Michael Mc C]

KPK - Sorry you're going through all of this. All the doubt, the questions and the worrying about what H is really up to. Same happened for me and has already been said, usually our intuition is right about these things, especially when things just add up too easily.

Since no A has actually been exposed, I'm not sure what advice to give other than to make yourself the person your H wants to be with. Read DR and see if there are things that maybe you've been doing that could have been pushing him away - sorry if that sounds like an accusation, it really isn't. We sometimes do things and never realize the impact they have on our spouses, especially if they don't tell us about it.

How well do you know the possible OW? Any idea how things are in her marriage/relationship? I don't recommend prying, just curious if you know anything about her.

[LL44]

I am so sorry you are here.

My H took our kids around OW and her kids for almost 4 months while they were having their A. They are still having the A, they just don't bring the kids around it anymore. I hated hearing stuff like you heard about the indoor playground from the kids.

What would he do if you confronted him? It goes against the DB rules (I think), but he is gaslighting you (making you think you are crazy to suspect anything). I questioned H about the cell phone bill and other things, but until I point blank confronted him, said I knew....

Stay calm, make December about you and the kids. Take care.

[Hurtin4certain]

Getting the kids involved is just reckless, poor kids. This is the point in your sitch where you show your kids how to behave like a responsible human being. Believe me, they are watching your every move.

In regards to your H having an affair, you would be wise to start preparing your mind for the fact it might be true. Dont let on about your snooping, it will cause him to try harder at hiding things.

Im praying that your H isnt cheating but the writing is on the wall. Proceed with caution. Begin DBing immediately.

[KPK]

Everyone,
Thanks so much for all the support and advice- I've obviously come to the right place! I was so upset yesterday I left work early, and made an appointment with a DB counselor. Luckily got one pretty quickly (Joanne), and got some great advice. She a) said instincts are usually right, so there's probably something going on, and b)asked if I still wanted to work on the marriage if he was cheating. I said yes, not ready to give up yet. So, she said I have 3 choices a) divorce him now, which, as I said, I didn't want to do, b) be miserable, or c) move on and be happy. We talked about the possible OW, and Joanne said we needed to "put her out of business" She asked what kind of threat possible OW was, physically and personality wise- I said physically none- we're similar stature, just different hair color, and I look the same as I did when I married H, but personality wise she was a bit "edgier" than me (now- being a mommy has softened me), a bit more "street" I guess. Would give him that zing he's looking for (ie. "there's no passion in my life" he says). So, per DB, Joanne said I'm to look and smell great when he's around, and play a bit hard to get, get my "edge" back. The one time this past weekend I really pulled back he noticed, so Joanne said we're going to keep that up- I woke up on Sunday (before this possible OW revelation) really PO'd about everything, especially his miserable face. So, when he decided he had to nap at 10AM, I went out with the kids for 2 hours- didn't wake him, no note. Got back and he's all mopey "I woke up and no one was here. I looked and I couldn't find you." Ha! Guess that's what its like to be all alone! I, keeping my cool, said, "we were tired of sitting in the house. I'm taking the kids to the town tree lighting tonight- you're more than welcome to come, but if not, fine." Quietly, he said he'd come. So, yesterday, he came home, said he'd give the kids a bath if I wanted to go to the gym or something. I said great; went and put a little perfume on, and as I'm putting my coat on I hear him say "perfume; I guess you're not going to the gym." I just say "bye!" I come back later, no questions, just the miserable face again. So, this AM, I get up and as I'm getting D6's clothes I start whistling (sp?). H says, from our room, "are you whistling?!" I said "yes, I'm happy." I see him looking at me from the doorway like I've lost my mind. Five minutes later he says "you haven't whistled in a long time". Me-"I'm just in a good mood", and off I go. Downstairs, he says "well I guess you'll have a good day." "Yup, see you later" I say, and back upstairs I go. He puts the garbage out and leaves. I head out a bit later with the kids, and my cell rings. He says "sorry I left so quickly" me-"no problem" H-"I'm glad you're happy." Me-"thanks!" H- "well, ok, that was it." Me- "ok, have a great day, bye!" Four reactions in the space of 1 hour to WHISTLING! Not that this means he's going to profess his undying love, but interesting. Have to figure out how to keep this up! Sorry this post is so long.

Me 39
H 45
M 11 T 13
D6
S3
ILYBNILWY 7/07
H still here, no plans to leave

[LL44]

I love it!!! OMG I was cracking up, like your H was standing still, mouth open, in shock, and you kept breezing by him, smelling yummy and whistling. Your DB coach is amazing!!! I am glad you called her, sounds like it really put you in a good spot. Keep it up, H will pass out from shock, then you can just step over him and keep on going, with no note.

[Ohio_Mark]

Yes, yes, yes.... you have hit home runs on all of these.

Just make sure you keep up the progress. Continue to focus on you. Let him do stupid things if he wants. You can't control it, so don't worry about it.

Keep in mind:
- YOU need to end the conversations (like you have been doing)

- Don't feel compelled to invite him along. "Hey I'm taking the kids to ______. Bye!!" Nothing wrong with that! (If he asks why, tell him you just wanted to spend some time with the kids - or alone, or with friends, etc).

- Continue to create a sense of "mystery" about you.

- Keep up that PMA.

- Find some GAL's. What hobby, club, activity, etc have you always wanted to do but could never find the time for?

You have some powerful mojo going here. Continue to make him wonder...