I try not to think anymore -- it just gets me into trouble and I end up obsessing over everything again.
I have not gotten the "move on" speech per se, but instead I get the you should be planning for yourself if it does not work out. I always get the I am 98 percent sure I am leaving...
Should I go for the friendship play and ask her to go Christmas shopping with me for the kids sake than try to have a great day, or continue to be dark? Its obvious she is watching me try, and has some feelings for me although may only be as a person and not the compassion I am hoping for.
I wouldn't ask her to go shopping with you for the kids. That might make her feel pressured because it's the "right" thing to do. I would however ask her what she wants to get the kids for Christmas if you're still doing a joint gift and offer to go pick it up yourself. That way she doesn't have to make any decisions to spend time with you right now, and you're not asking her to. You did an awesome thing by telling her that you are moving on. That alone is going to make her do some thinking.
Fish said the ice is starting to melt, and it is some, but it's a very slow trickle, and is going to take time.
Has she filed divorce papers yet?
Last edited by ms ladybug; 11/29/0706:11 PM.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
LadyBug, She filed around the same time as the separation started in mid oct. It usually takes 6-12mths in NH where I live. I actually am not sure if it was a good thing she called now, i'm more messed up. Before, I was clear she hated me, now she says she feels bad for the way she has treated me and stays up at night thinking of my feelings, but again, she's says she is not coming back. One side says shes "peeking" around the wall by saying she knows im trying, but the other says she's gone for good when she says stop trying and go on with your life. Chuck mentioned that she is confused at the moment and is looking for the same old me to get defensive and upset, which would help her leave. But because it didn't happen, she might me thinking about looking around the wall a little longer next time. There is also a third possibility, she found someone, but I have no evidence of that and would drive myself nutty thinking of it at this point.
Chuck is right on. She's waiting to see the old you come up. That would make leaving that much easier, and confirm in her mind that she's made the right decision. You also have a huge advantage if she's not seeing someone else. So, try not to think down that route. That's a bad place to go to, believe me. You really are being strong and remember you can't believe ANYTHING the WAS says. They are confused, and it's going to be hurtul. Don't believe it.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Update. I told the b14 that if mom called I was busy. She did last eve and asked if I were there but he replied as I asked, and said he is busy playing the piano, ( i bought one and just started learning as part of my 180). She also learned the b14 was now getting guitar lessons (180 move) and the b9 drum lessons (again180). She asked if we had plans on the weekend and he said yes, lots, and went through 7 activities we have planned (one activity was church another 180). He asked if she would join us in a couple but she politely declined. He also told her he went to the guidance counselor again at school about this whole thing. She asked what they talked about but he told her it didnt matter, she wouldnt do anything about it. BTW, my son told me about this after he got done with mom on the phone and I listened intently. I did not tell him she called earlier, I try to keep it away from him, but he is hurting and wants to talk.
I dont know if this means a thing or not, but I sure miss my WAS. I am a bit worried, that she cannot change her mind about me. She is asian, we eloped 15 yrs ago against her moms wishes and told her mom she was leaving me. Were now separated headed for the big D. How could she now flip flop back and say she is coming back to me?. I suppose the same way she originally went against her mom to marry me? This sucks.
Big update. Tonight for the first time since the sep, I spoke to the wife about us. I mentioned that her call the other morning where she said she was sad she hurt my feelings but was not coming back, definitely doing the D, was the best call I ever got, It showed me she really cared. I talked about this forum where there is a lot of successful stories and some not so, and pointed out that were in the bottom of the letter U of our relationship. I mentioned I thought 3 times of leaving in our 15 yr relationship, but each time knew she was the best for me. I said if she closed her eyes and thought of the perfect person for her, it was the person she originally married. I said if we call it off now, we can look forward to meeting new people but unavoidably we will look for someone that meets the criteria of what we originally fell in love with, each other minus the bad stuff. I said if she is honest, I was her best option because I cared for her, the kids, and was a great provider, but only if my changes are positive.
I suggested we start to try, and as she pulled back and said no, I dont want to go on dates, I quickly said I dont either. I said I respect your boundaries so lets have private calls, hang up if you like, and we wont get anyones hopes up.
She said she would call on tues, than she said mon, then she said sat, but I said I was busy ( I was sweating but wanted to play hard to get) and she said she could call early sun am.
I asked how she felt about the call and she said she liked it. I also said I knew she thought I was sexy as a joke, she laughed. Well see
Oh boy. So, spoke with the w and we started the conversation of well enough until she said, again, she wants to be friends and I need to get it in my head that shes gone. She wants to talk every few days to chit chat, but needs time to figure out things for herself. She doesn't want to go dating although I would love to shw her mre of my 180's, bt will call me. Does this mean the ice is melting, or am I on an iceberg that is setting sail?
She said she needs time to figure things out for herself. Sounds to me that she's not so sure the wants the divorce.
Eventually she's likely get to the dating part, but give her time.
Hope you're doing well.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
