Read the book and looking for support

[mrarow]

I have lost my Wife's love and affection, I have helped in Losing our 2 best Friends! Went into major depression and did a ton of stupid things tiring to make sense of it all. Well I have been Married almost 13 years to the Woman of my dreams..... So I thought? We have 3 Girls 1 hers, 1 mine and 1 ours. I had the bomb dropped a few months ago that She was not only not in love with me anymore but she was in Love with my x-Best friend of 20+ years. His wife was her best friend! OMG!! The details are very sad and disturbing how all this happened to write on here. I do not believe they have stopped communicating as she maintains she wants to be his friend! Would love some support at this time! I am in counselling with help from a local church, taking meds for depression and am being much more positive but what a rollercoaster ride! I feel sick and want this nightmare to end!! I have made huge changes to myself and am continuing to work on me now. My relationship with my girls and her has been improving but with lots of ups and downs with the W.
Tiring hard to give W space as that is what she wants at this time. We are still sleeping in same bed and are not fighting about these issues anymore for the most part. Have been getting good advice from councillor and My wife is planning to go so that we can remain friends whatever the outcome. I hope and wish for the opportunity to make up for many years of being complacent in all aspects of my marriage and family for many years. Its been a few months of hell but I am seeing a few baby steps in the right direction. Tiring to be positive and happy as I realize that is much more attractive to her. I do not talk much about the past and continue to show thru my actions my sincerity to want to make a better marriage from all of this. I love her so Much!! Its so hard to not receive affection and love from her anymore! I am so scared that my past mistakes my never be forgiven? I just want a chance to save our marriage and have a 2 parent family. I will do anything and feel so desperate. I have so much more I want to say but can't at this time. The Divorce remedy book has been helpful but she wont read it at all. She is a fence sitter, and I so much want her back on my side of it! What to do next? Some input and someone to talk to would be helpful at this time?

[IAChild]

Mrarow,

I'm so sorry to hear of what you are going through, but you've come to the right place for lots of help and support. We'll get through this together, okay? Okay! We all understand your sadness, your fear, your desperation -- we've all been there.

First things first -- do not try to make your W read DB. DB is not for the WA (walk-away); it's for the LBS (left-behind spouse). It is very important for you to understand that you can't make your W do anything. The only person you can make do something is you.

It's also very important for you to understand that you need to take a scientific approach to this. Begin to utilize the tools in DB (180's, GAL, figuring out what is working, dropping the rope, etc.). Here's a link for you to check out from the board. It gives a lot of examples of men who were successful in DB'ing. Successful Men

Just hang in there, keep reading, do whatever you can to improve yourself FOR yourself, and keep your focus OFF of your W and ON you.

It's all good.

M

[mrarow]

Help!! I gave W the book Divorce Remedy!! I thought she needed to make educated choices!! We had very bad weekend, she still is having affair and very much in love with other man!! I Spoke with him as well for first time in months and heard same from him that he loves her and will not let up calling and telling her same!! I feel hopeless tonight!! Dieing inside, and so very sad! W tells me she wants to pursue him and can't stop thinking about him. Tells me no love for me anymore just for him. Does not want me and no longer turned on by me. tells me that she married for wrong reasons and wants to love like I love her and be loved same. Does not think she can love me ever again. My 180 for last seven months has done nothing for me as she still feels same as she did when dropping bomb! I was told also that all is great glad to see but its all to much too late and does not have any want to try or give us another chance!!!OMG!! HELP ME I AM SO VERY SCARED!I LOVE HER AND MY GIRLS SO MUCH I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK OF US AS A BROKEN FAMILY!

[IAChild]

Mrarow,

Calm down. Everything will be alright. Just take the book back from your W (I'm certain she's not reading it anyway), and begin reading it again, for yourself.

You have to come to grips with the fact that there is nothing you can do right this minute to change or influence her behavior. However, you have the power to do and change everything about your behavior.

Take some deep breaths, close your eyes, try to get a good night's sleep, and know that tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning.

Gracious and loving God, I commend to your hands mrarow. Please let him feel the peace and calm of your presence. Let him feel the warmth of your peace wash over him like a warm, soothing wind. Help him to understand that this all takes time, patience, hard work, faith and prayer. Lull him to rest with your peace and warmth. Help him have strength and faith for the trials and triumphs ahead. Amen.

Go get some sleep, dude...tomorrow IS another day! It will be alright.

M

[mrarow]

I wish I could sleep!! Have not eaten today again and thats not helping... She is not here as she went to friends for moral support again. To bad the close friend she has are both having major M problems themselves and affairs. This is just stupid!! I just want a chance to live the dream again! Thanks for the prayers they are very helpful. Are you sure she should not read the book?? I thought it was a great source of info for both parties no? I am so confused???

[IAChild]

In a word, NO! Do not try to make her do anything, including reading DB.

You absolutely MUST turn your focus to yourself right now. YOU read the book, then re-read it, and when you're done, read it again!

Spend some time reading on the board. I would suggest you go start a new thread in "newcomers". You'll get more responses and feedback. Start asking specific questions about the content of the book, and start doing activities, (goals, etc.), utilizing the tools, and start analyzing what is working and what is not working.

Above all else, you must STOP pursuing her. Let her alone and start focusing on yourself and your children. Right now all you are doing by pursuing her is coming off as whiney and needy. I don't mean to sound harsh, but we've all been there. The book is not going to do you any good if you don't start putting it into practice. This is not a read for an FYI kind of book. You MUST start practicing what it preaches if you want to see any kind of results at all.

If you can't sleep, get some OTC sleep aids. You cannot focus the way you need to if you're not sleeping. You need to get some sleep.

M

[mrarow]

I will start to read again. Her love for OM is killing me!! I feel so hopeless. OM told her he will wait for her idefanatly and loves her more than ever as well. Crying has become way to easy for me at this point. omg this is so hard!!

[IAChild]

Yes, mr, it is very hard. But irrespective of what happens with your M, the hard work you have before you is completely worth it. If you put your nose to the grindstone and do the self-work, it is a win-win sitch for you. You CAN do it! Go team, go!!!

[mrarow]

Ok Time for last resort Right!! I have to be positive and happy and keep busy, no more chasing, no more cring in front of her or the famialy. Very hard but will do my best!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH!I HATE THIS BUT I WILL BE A BETTER MAN REGARDLESS OF OUT COME!

[IAChild]

Now you are getting the right idea!

However, be careful about mixing your DB jargon. Last Resort Technique is just that, last resort, and that's not what you need to do at this point.

Now then, go over to the Newcomer's Forum and get a thread started. When you've done that, I'll meet you there, and we'll work through this together.

M