First post

[need2change]

[/quote]Was he waiting though, or did he just get on with his life and they just happened to both be in a position to start over when she changed her mind? I can't imagine most people would wait for 4 years for someone else - That's really pushing it.[quote]

It took him 3 years to stop asking her where she was and stop feeling bad for himself. Once he spent a year finding himself she took notice and started to love him again. I have heard a lot of people do this, especially with kids. The important thing is he made sure they solved their issues in counseling before they became to serious. Now they seem really happy.

For my own help I think that same way. I can be happy now because if things don't work out now they might in a few years when we are both a little older. Thanks to the kids you will always see this person again, and that means that that person can never forget about you.

[IAChild]

Mr,

One of the greatest gifts I learned from DR/DB is to live in the moment. I have, for the most part, stopped blaming the past and worrying about the future. Your post about the good day yesterday shows you are beginning to move in the right direction.

No R Talk

This is good, but I want to caution you -- the "no R talk" rule is not about just avoiding R talk. It means *you* don't bring it up, and at some point, when you W wants to talk about it, you have to begin to validate. Read then re-read the sections in the book about validation. It will be important for you to be able to do this when it comes up...and it's not a matter of "if", but "when", because it will come up.

"Acting as if" you are happy is not merely about "faking being happy." One of the neat things about "acting as if" is that if you practice it often enough, pretty soon whatever you are "acting as if" about become reality. That's why it is such a useful technique.

Even if you and W separate, all will not be lost, so don't panic. It may still be part of the process. Remind me again how long you two have been together and how long you've been married?

And I echo what others said about D3. She's probably just acting out a bit and needs some special attention. Three year olds really aren't capable of malicious manipulation -- she's just trying to get some needs met. Try some of the DR techniques on her...perhaps your validation, and really listen to what she needs. She knows that something is amiss b/t you two and she's picking up on it.

M

[mrarow]

Hey IA
First Question answered is we decided together not to discuss the R till after her the 8th of January when she returns from trip to US with the 3 girls to Brothers wedding. I understand that part abut validating and hearing her and not bringing up the topic myself. I have been tiring to get away from talk before she talks about her feeling about OM as that I find very hard to listen to ad validate in anyway. I just want to kick the SOB in the ass to put it very nice. Taken all of me not to do anything stupid. My D-3 is actually D-11 She is eleven years old and very very smart and manipulating at this age. Love her so much! Wish she was not seeing this family destruct like its doing! Me and my W have been together for 14 years, married almost 13 years. I found out about her feelings for OM 11/26/2007. She has been steadily pushing me away farther ever since she opened up and started telling me how she has felt and I finally actually hear her!! She says its all to much to late, Loves other man thinks about him all the time. OM has told me he feels same about her and will not give up. My X best Friend!! His Wife of 15 years was her Best friend, NICE!!!GRRRRR anyway Merry Christmas and thanks for taking the time to read mythread and offer your advice and help. I have updated my info below to make it more understandable.

[WAS32]

Hey there. I hope you are okay through the holidays. I know all of this is hard. I am having a hard time doing this. Just go to my post and you will see how I screwed up. But I am not gonna let this get me down. I willlive life to the fullest and I really want you to do the same. Merry Christmas mrarow! I hope you can smile through all of this! Thinking about you and your family! Lots of hugs for you!

[mrarow]

I guess I must have got drunk and screwed everything up here to!!! I am alone and my wife just told me to get the F#$K out of her room and go back down to bed when I went up and asked her what happened last night and why I was still alone. I guess I said some things and I don't even remember what they were! Go figure? I guess this drinking and stress of Christmas is not working well for me. I don't even remember telling her anything negative or going to bed I just remember crying?? I am a mess its Christmas and I feel I have no hope and am so bummed out..this is the worst Christmas I can ever remember!

[mrarow]

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!
Awake very early with D11 this morning. Will make the best of this day and the rest this year. My head hurts and I think thats fitting after whatever i did last night to make W mad at me. No dinner and to much wine did not help me for sure! Anyway Merry Christmas to all of you on here and hope your night was better than mine and you all have a the best day possible under these stressfull times. I personaly will try and be positive and happy for my Girls!

[mrarow]

Well Boxing day is here and I made it thru Christmas day ok. I was pretty depressed after the night before and had a hard time keeping the tears from flowing in the morning. I had a good chat with Wifes Good friend after she was witness to my stupidity on Christmas eve. She states my W has not left and is confused and I need to give her time and space to make up her mind. She made the suggestion that I stop drinking while this stuff is going on because she watched me go from positive easy going guy to depressed angry and pushy Drunk guy. This was not the first time I have messed everything up because of drinking. I decided she is so right about the drinking I am done getting drunk while my life is in turmoil like this. I will be the designated driver from here on out! One with big ears and the small mouth! I think that will help to keep the depression at a level I can handle. Time is my friend and my love still grows. I am so disappointed at sleeping alone at Christmas and thru all of this but have got to realize this is not punishment its a way to give my W the space SHE WANTS AND NEEDS right now. Time for me to not be so self centered and be more understanding of the time she is going to need to get this figured out. All in all the rest of Christmas went very well with the dinner and evening with the rest of the family. I helped with the dinner and dishes as well as having a great evneing watching a movie with W and girls. Got a goodnight kiss from W when she went up to bed. That's about it for now I guess....

[IAChild]

Mr,

Speaking from experience, I would agree wholeheartedly with the whole "don't-drink-and-DB" thing. I went through the same thing and nearly blew the whole darned thing with my H2B. It only makes for crazy-making. DBing is hard enough as it is; you have to remain vigilant to ensure your behavioral changes stick.

A general rule of thumb Michele puts out there is that it takes about 1 month per year of M/R. I see you've been married for 13 years...add to that the length of your R before you married, and you will see that your process is going to take somewhere around 13 months or more. If the bomb dropped in July, then you are just about a third of the way through. Since you did not discover DB until well after the bomb dropped, then you have to take that into consideration as well.

You are really moving the right direction, so keep up the great work! Remember, you will come out a winner in the end, either way.

Well done!

M

[mrarow]

Thanks IA
Its a no brainier as I call it. I just have to follow thru. W left at 11:00am to spend another day with her girlfriends. Got a what seemed hesitant goodbye kiss and off she went. Don't think I will see her for rest of day if not at all till tomorrow. Can't screw this up as long as I don't call, LOL Have a great Holliday season IA

[mrarow]

Tiring to have faith and think positive but still tends to be very dificult. I think she may have something up her sleeve and is going to drop the I am moving out bomb when she comes back with the girls from Colorado Jan 3 to 8th but for all I know she may come back and say she wants to try? This is so hard. I will be totally alone with lots of time to think. I was looking forward to going but she said she wanted me to stay home so she and the girls could go alone. I just agreed and say I need to stay here and work so the bills get paid anyway and that it will do her good to have a trip with just the girls. She has never done that before. I will miss them and the house will seem very quiet without all of them around. Have no plans for New Years and I don't think she's going to want to go anywhere with me. I am waiting to see what she suggests if anything. We cleaned the house together today but I ended up putting on music to make her think and she ended up crying most of the time she cleaned. She won't talk much about it. W said something about my D-17 not being very happy with her and blaming her for wrecking the family. Not sure all the details...W left to hang out with her girlfriend for the afternoon as far as I know. She did not come home till after midnight last night as well. Was told she went to pub with the girls after her walk at the park. Told me her and her girlfriends are going dancing Saturday Night. My first reaction was to complain I have been wanting to go dancing for months and I am being left out again. Then woke up a few seconds later and told her sorry I just feel leftout and that its fine for her to have another night out with just the girls if that's what she wants and that I am sorry for being so needy. Not feeling very happy today and very left out of my partners life lately. This R really sucks at times!!