Welp, sex didn't pan out with the Man magnet persona of yesterday. And I'm pretty sure I know why. Surface reason is because I didn't feel like it. My SD over the last few days feels like a dried up prune.
I find it curious. I know what to do to get out of it. I just don't want to right now, which means I'm pissed off, deep down inside. It's bubbling up to the surface. I've been kind of waiting for the light bulb to click on. I think it has.
Right before Thanksgiving, my dad calls and says his car had broken down, he's not sure he can make it for Thanksgiving. I pay to have his car fixed. $800. I don't have the money to do this, but he can't not have his car, as he is a courier for a living. He's 74. Dealing with Blood Pressure and post-Prostate cancer issues. He shouldn't be working at all... but he wants to, to keep himself busy. I understand that. He needs a purpose. His car needs fixing. Period. My siblings... don't help. My mother hears... she is covering the cost out of her company. This is not her problem. She says this is a problem I can't afford. "I'm paying," she says. Boom. Done.
I tell BF 'bout it all. BF gets... agitated. Says he will help me with it. Why, I says? We are dating. He says, No, you are my family... I think of you as my wife. He meant it as a compliment, but man did it piss me off.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, I say, but I am not your family and I am not your wife. We are dating, and MY family issues are not your problem. (Buying me stuff.... is one thing. Something he does because he wants to.) That didn't sit real well with him, but I really wasn't worried about it sitting well with him.
I'm NOT playing House here, with you. kwis? I told him my mother was covering it, and I have every intention of hounding all my siblings so my mother doesn't have to do this, as it is not her problem. But I can't afford to not take her help right now. Sucks. But. There you go.
And then, as I'm working through my pissed off-ness... the light bulb clicks on. I AM playing house. I didn't think I was, but that is exactly what my 'actions' have been doing.
There's that lovely saying... 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.' Assuming that I am a cow in search of a farmer to take me home with him, that makes a lot of sense.
I'm not in the market for a farmer, but that is exactly how I am acting. And by 'playing house,' I'm giving away my milk for free.
This isn't making a bit of sense.... let me try again.
I am not my bf's wife. But I think out of 16 years of conditioning, I am behaving like a wife, not a girlfriend. Meaning, as a wife, I cook, I clean, I take care of my family's emotional well being. BF was here for thanksgiving, but rather than feeling like a guest in my home, whom I had invited to share MY family Thanksgiving, he felt like a pseudo H. Yet, because I am single in reality, I'm taking care of the expenses of thanksgiving, and all the other man type stuff. BF is sitting there like a bump on a log. Well. He went and bought xMas lights to decorate a tree in my front yard, and he did clean out my front gutters when I asked if he would (they were jam packed with leaves). He ran errands. And as any guest might be, he was acting a bit put out by it all. Even though he likes to think of me as his wife.
And this is NOT BF's fault. It's mine. I'm the one setting it up this way. I'm really pissed at myself. Well. Not anymore. I've figured out what I'm doing.
When I 'play house,' he might 'feel' like an H, but he doesn't act like one. He asks me what's okay to do and not do around my house. Or like with my dad. He brings it up for conversation.
In my mind, if you are the man, and you are going to BE the man, you DO it. You don't ask me. You do or you don't. You may INFORM me. If you want my input, you might ASK me. But then you go and DO. Or not. Period.
But I'm throwing a monkey wrench into the whole cycle because I've said one thing (I'm a girlfriend), yet I'm doing another (behaving like a wife). It is confusing the entire fcking relationship, throwing everything completely off-balance, and the very worst part of it all is, it's killing my sex drive. BECAUSE... when you are a girlfriend, who acts like a wife... you eventually become a MOTHER. A COW who gives away her milk for free (a woman who has no dam boundaries). And if you do something really stupid, like get married once this entire scenario has been established, you deal with R issues for the rest of your life.
I did that the first time around, with my xH.
K. Sorry folks. Just venting. Had to get all this down so I can go back and read it, over and over again.
Hey, girl, from your posts of late, I kind of wonder if you are truly sure about BF and if you want to be w/ him long term. Maybe that's where you need to start. Instead of getting into all of the "deep" stuff right away, figure out if he is "the one" and then go from there?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I don't have any great advice to offer except to comment on the fact that I always learn so much from your POV because mine is so much the opposite. You regard a "cow who gives away her milk for free" as "bad" or at least "stupid" because she's being taken advantage of, I regard a "cow who gives away her milk for free" as "good" or "generous" because she's being the opposite of a prostitute who sells her milk and she's behaving like somebody who has so much of the good stuff in life that she can afford to give some away.
I think that we're both right but I don't know how to resolve the issue or what the real "true" statement about a cow would be. However, one of the things that I like about GP is that he views me as someone who was ABLE to stay with my 2bx because I had relatively high self-esteem and functioning rather than someone who was UNABLE to leave my 2bx because I had relatively low self-esteem and functioning. ( I think both are true depending once again on POV). The reason he views me that way is that he respects the fact that my goal or purpose in life while my children were young was to "have a happy family life." That is why I say that he admires my cow. He says rather sternly "I can not and will not understand why you put yourself down. You did what any red-blooded American woman would do in you situation." So, it's like he views my cow as some sort of unevenly yoked oxen dragging the pioneer wagon over the prairie and continuing to produce milk while crossing the desert.
Last edited by MJontheMend; 11/25/0702:13 PM.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Okay, I had another thought. Obviously, our opposite POVs are to some extent due to our opposite FOO situations. My father would have committed Hari-Kari before he would have borrowed money from one of his daughters. If my mother miraculously had $800 cash on hand this morning, I had better call her before she gets to the mall if I want to borrow it. Luckily, my father left my mother with more than adequate pensions rather than cash so I can just ignore her money complaints.
Since my separation, I've been acting a little bit more like my mother and less like my father which has served to swing my self-esteem issues in the other direction. I feel more attractive but less responsible than when I was married. Now that I've resolved my psycho-level-validation issues regarding my attractiveness, I'm striving to find more balance. Maybe you need to do a little of the same/opposite? For instance, I think you should let your father sink or swim because, clearly, on some level you are holding your BF responsible for your father's dysfunction. Worst case scenario, let's say your father ends up in a homeless shelter eating from soup kitchens the reason why that would happen would NOT be "because Corri didn't take care of him". If you lose your SD the reason isn't "because my BF didn't take care of me" the reason might be "because I didn't let my BF take care of me because I don't trust men".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hey, girl, from your posts of late, I kind of wonder if you are truly sure about BF and if you want to be w/ him long term. Maybe that's where you need to start. Instead of getting into all of the "deep" stuff right away, figure out if he is "the one" and then go from there?
All the deep stuff right away? How do you figure out if he's the one if you don't get into the deep stuff?
Sometimes we make things harder than they need to be. You probably know deep down whether he's "the one" or not.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Corri, I'm not saying this to piss you off. {I hope you know by now, that I don't work that way } I just found it somewhat interesting that you said this:
In my mind, if you are the man, and you are going to BE the man, you DO it. You don't ask me. You do or you don't. You may INFORM me. If you want my input, you might ASK me. But then you go and DO. Or not. Period.
and this...
I tell BF 'bout it all. BF gets... agitated. Says he will help me with it.
I think I know how you feel about this...but just my observation...sounds like he WAS trying to BE the man..kwim?
Corri I am not my bf's wife. But I think out of 16 years of conditioning, I am behaving like a wife, not a girlfriend. OK, I understand that line.
I tell BF 'bout it all. BF gets... agitated. Says he will help me with it. Why, I says? We are dating. He says, No, you are my family... I think of you as my wife. He meant it as a compliment, but man did it piss me off. I understand the dating thoughts. Perfectly logical. The W was a bit strong for him to say. You being pi$$ed, that is a little over the top.
as I'm working through my pissed off-ness... the light bulb clicks on. I AM playing house. Good insight.
He asks me what's okay to do and not do around my house. Or like with my dad. He brings it up for conversation. And if he didn’t ask and just did it, I think you wouldn’t like it.
Just so Corri knows where I am coming from, I am like Mojo described her dad. My father would have committed Hari-Kari before he would have borrowed money from one of his daughters.
I agree with Mojo think you should let your father sink or swim Corri, I see a connection between you taking responsibility for your fathers lack of responsibility and getting PO'ed at men you might date in general and /the BF. What is up with that?????? (thinking time, not a criticism)
What does your father do with the money he earns? If he needs his car to earn money then car expenses come before some other things. You can't work w/o tools. His car is a tool.
Is he living with your mother? If he lives alone then I can see why you or your mother wants to pay to have his car repaired.
I can see a connection between your BF paying (if you let him) and you not wanting to feel obligated to your BF.
Is it that obligation=LSD?
That isn’t the only connection I thought of, just the first one that came to mind.
Corri, your post was very interesting to me. I think currently your living situation more closely resembles mine than it does anyone else's on the board.
First, clarify one thing: do you and your bf still maintain separate residences and just spend time together? Do you spend most nights together at one or the other of your homes? Which home do you spend more time in?
Of all the things that are wrong with my R, this business of "playing house" is one area that is not a problem. The main reason is that my bf does NOT think of me as a wife. That's REALLY clear!
It would definitely bother me if he did (as yours does)... because it creates fuzzy boundaries, especially where money and household responsibilities occur. For example, if one of his kids needs money, I absolutely do NOT consider it a responsibility of mine, since we're not married. If I were a stepmom, I would feel like I should a) care and b) participate in the solution. The fact that I'm clearly a girlfriend and not a stepmom makes things really easy.
Right now, when he's so consumed with caring for his mom, it's really clear that I'm a girlfriend and not a family member. Even though I'm down to cheese and crackers, I'm not going to play the "But I'm your GIRLFRIEND-- you're supposed to CARE" card, because frankly, I don't want the implied reciprocal responsibility? Do you see what I mean? We don't treat each other like married people, so what we do for each other is more like a gift and less like an expectation.
There are drawbacks, to be sure... like now, when his family comes before me. With my late H, for example, I knew that I came first, before the kids, before anyone-- but we were MARRIED. That came with the territory.
The fuzziness that's happening with you and your bf, where you're having some of the expectations of married partners, but not all, and it's not clear which are which-- that is crazy-making for sure. Especially if he is thinking of you as a wife, but you're not thinking of him as a husband-- after all, when people marry, BOTH people say "I do," not just one of them.
In short, I think your pi$$ed-off-ness is a very appropriate reaction to the situation. I hope you're not making the mistake that my bf makes and that's to come on rude and strong when your partner meant no harm. IOW I hope you said this
Quote:
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, I say, but I am not your family and I am not your wife. We are dating, and MY family issues are not your problem.
with some kindness and sensitivity and didn't just bite his head off.
The problem is how to tell him to back up. This will require kindness and diplomacy. He means you no harm; he just made assumptions that went beyond your boundaries.
ETA: I think Lou is on to something... your anger at your bf is probably connected to your anger at the way your dad is handling HIS problems.
If your mom wants to pay for his car repair, let her. She's a big girl. If she wants to get the money from your sibs, let her. Send her your share and be done with it. Let all of these people live their own lives, kwim? When you're over there living their lives, who's over here living yours?
Oh, I don't abhor cows at all. Not in the least. What if said to you, as the zoo keeper, all this time I thought I had a swan, when really, I have a cow. That make any sense?
} I just found it somewhat interesting that you said this: