We have now been divorced since March 07. My wife left the country with our two children (13 & 16) in January to return to their country of birth. Since then both children have returned to the UK to live with me. My ex wife has stayed put, close to her family but with no finances and no possesions to speak of. She has met someone and moved in with him in a rented house shared with about six others.
Because my ex w moved abroad she left virtually all 'her' belongings with me and did not contest to have 'half' of the estate.
My children now live back in the family home and have all their memories back. The only thing they dont have is their mum. She has always been incredibly close to them. Now the only contact between them is a quick phone call here and there and an sms message every few days. She doesnt have a computer so doesnt have access to the internet for instant messaging etc.
No-one, including my ex w's close family, can understand how she has been able to let the kids go without going with them.
I have never stopped loving her and wonder whether now is right time to slowly start the possible process of reconciliation. As far as I have ever been able to work out our divorce was caused by our business pressures, which ended in bankruptcy. The were never any affairs, violence, name calling, swearing. There, of course, were arguments - who doesnt argue a couple of time s a year?
Can it work and how should I go about it. I desperately want a complete family again and I dont want to screw this up. My wife has a home, all her belongings, the family dog AND HER KIDS waiting for her.
Welcome back. I was going to ask for more info but when I looked at your posts I noticed I responded to you over a year ago. It sucks we are both still here.
And your situation is about the same I see, except you got the divorce. I am so sorry for that.
All I can recommend is to give her the space you have been giving. How do the kids keep in touch? If they write letters (if not, start) you may want to add a few words at the end - or enclose a note of your own. Catch her up on the family. Add some pictures. Tell her how much better the money situation is now (I assume it is). Ask her advice if you have a question concerning raising your kids.
Be matter of fact, like you have moved on. Paint a good picture; that things are fine.
Ask her questions about her life - draw her out. Then empathize all you can. Don't judge - support her.
But don't play the guilt card. Be VERY careful here.
Maybe, just maybe she will start to reconsider.
Okay - it has been a year. What have YOU done to move on? What is your GAL? Are you dating?
Hi Jeff, thanks for the reply, I really didnt think I would get back on here once I knew divorce was inevitable. Yes I have been dating but not much. Financially it is still very tight and now with kids back time is very tight also. Financially' I cant get (or expect, really) any maintenance from ex W.
Your advice is greatly apprecated. In fact I have asked for her advice about raising the kids. And she really seemed to appreciate it. Its the first time we have communicated verbally since the divorce. My son got into the local newspaper for a sports award this week - Ive cut the article out and sent it to her.
I guess I had resigned myself to the fact that we would always be apart (even though I still over her) BUT my kids look like lost souls most of the time. They have no idea when they will see their mum again because she cant say when she will be able to afford the airtickets.
I was thinking that I deal with it as you said, and then possibly arrange for an airticket for her to come and visit around Easter next year. I also thought that she could stay at the house and I go stay with friends or family. My thoughts here are that there would be no pressure between us and she could use the opportunity to begin to realise what she had given up.
Your wise thoughts would be appreciated. This could be quite a journey!!
Problem is Jeff, ex W lives in South Africa - meeting in Europe is, unfortunately, out of the question . This is a really difficult one. If the kids go to visit her, there is no where for them to stay as she shares a house with all these other people. She cant afford the airfares for the kids. The kids are desperate to see their mum. I have no doubt that she is desperate to see them. If she travels to the UK under her own steam to see the kids she would have to stay at friends or in a hotel and the kids would have to go and visit or she would have to come to the house.
I sort of thought that by showing compassion regarding her situation and offering a solution to seeing the kids, may start the process of realisation of what she has left behind.
Yes I see your difficulty. She should visit to see the kids of course; it would be better if it were her idea.
She should make the effort here. The kids should not have to travel to her. I was only thinking a neutral location would be better if you had to suggest it. Then she would see the family again without the possible "having to crawl back" feeling. But that is not in the cards.
So I guess letting her know the kids miss her and asking what HER plans are to come visit may be the thing to do. She may have an alternate plan.
Can she afford to come?
Best this all come from you - not the kids. Best not to put them in the middle here.
Thanks again Jeff. This something which is going to have to be done very carefully. Knowing my ex as I do I have a feeling that once she realises what has been given up a light may come on. BUT I do not want it to seem as if I am asking her tom come back , neither do I want her to feel as though she may come 'crawling' back. And you are right of course, I dont want the kids to feel as if they are in the middle of a, plot to get mum back'.
My understanding is that she wont be able to afford the airfare, so somehow Ive got to get to a point where an offer by me to pay her fare to see the kids would be accepted without her fearing any motives or conditions, which would cause resentment.
Certainly from my point I have got over the anger of the D and am moving on. This time last year I was really in another place. I have now got used to living without a partner, my career is getting back on track, slowly but surely finances are getting better.
I guess first and foremost is the job of gradually building some trust between us.
Interestingly, her mother thinks that she is hiding her feelings and probably needs to realise what she has left behind. I must see the situation from the 'map of my ex w's world'.
Can you tie the trip to a special event? Her birthday for example, or a child's birthday, or a holiday? So: "best gift we wanted to give you is an opportunity to spend some time with the kids."
Sending a ticket or money may mean pressure that she has to come and if she does not buy/use it or cashes it in you are out the money. Maybe there is a way to "hold" a ticket for her. If she decides to come she has to call the airline to arrange it but it is charged to you and held by the airline until the flight. That will give her flexibility on when she wants to visit and you will get a refund if she does not follow through.
