I'm sorry you're here but glad you did find DR and this website. You sound like you have your head on. What are you in grad school for?
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I wish I'd known about DB when all this happened. It took me months to find Michele's books and this site. I feel like I made too many mistakes in the interim since I also did all the common and predictable and unhelpful patterns of human nature. And it makes me sad that this is so common and predictable. But it is nice not to be alone.
So true! You are not alone. You could also look at it this way.... since you didn't start out knowing the DB techniques early on, you have a great opportunity to do a 180 now. You can now just GAL for you, and anything else that you want to do different.
Things will start looking up for you now. Welcome!
Peace and love, f21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
I did a 9 month tour in 2005-2006 and have at least some understanding of how that whole thing goes. One thing came to mind when reading about your situation. The military has become much more aware, proactive, and assistance-oriented when it comes to PTSD; not only for the individuals affected but for the families affected as well. Sounds like your H is guard/reserve, but you might want to look into resources for military wives/families with regards to this, either through his unit or through a website like miltary OneSource. I don't know a ton about the subject, but I do know that one of the challenges is that often a person won't admit they have a problem in the first place, making it difficult if not impossible to deal with. Sounds like that could be something your H is dealing with...but again I'm not an expert.
Other than that, do your best to stay strong - this website has some great folks, some great advice, and great support. Good luck-
Kev
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius
"God alone decides the contest; but we must put our shoulders to the wheel." -Adm. D.G. Farragut
Kevin-38; XW-36 M-2.5, together 4 Bomb-1/6/07; D-6/27/07
I'm in Iraq right now. If you H. was in an infantry unit of any type, he did not have an easy 12 months here. Not only are hte hours a killer, but you become very detached from all things civilian. Readjusting is difficult, even if you have not experienced the horrible things that many infantry soldiers do, an those horrors jsut compound the detachment. It sure sounds like PTSD to me. Readjustment is difficult. I know when I go home, I will spend a lot of time wishing I was back here. The 100 mile an hour pace is very addictive. It really sounds like he is in the middle of PTSD. Work on you. Live for you. I know it's tough, but that's all you can do right now.
I had almost the same situation as you. My H was in Iraq for 8 months. We talked everyday and he couldn't wait to come home. He would cry and even when he got back he would say "I'm never leaving you again". A couple of months later he had a complete personality change. It was like I didn't even know him. He reached out to an OW, but I don't know if it ever became a PA. That drove me absolutely crazy. I did and said things I never thought I would. The T told me that one of the reasons he was reaching out to her was because she didn't know him. She didn't know that his personality had changed. She didn't know something was wrong with him. For that reason she didn't have questions or expectations like I did. I KNEW something was wrong and I wanted to talk about it, I wanted him to get help. He completely shut me out.
I really think you should see about getting a T. Tricare will pay for you an IC and also a MC (if he would be willing to do that). I think that they don't realize that readjusting will be hard. They build up in their minds how things are going to be when they get home. They think it is going to be great. Then they come back and they still have the same problems as before...bills, responsiblities, etc. Also, they see that we still took care of everything and made it while they were gone. It makes them feel like they aren't needed.
I KNOW it is hard, but try to give him some space. We all wish that we had found DB sooner. It looks to me like your timeline is right with mine. I actually moved back home...about 1000 miles away from where H is stationed. I wondered the same thing..how do I show him I care and how do I DB from so far away and if he won't even talk to me. They notice though. They notice when you don't call them and when you don't beg and plead. I know that to you it makes sense to try to make him understand how much you love him..but don't. Don't try to convince him that he is wrong, he has to realize that on his own. Don't pressure him, it will push him farther away. I think when I finally detached, when I stopped bringing everything up, when I stopped crying everytime I talked to and when I started sounding cheery and happy when I talked to is when he started to come around. HE started calling ME.
I thought it was completely over with us. H filed for D on Sept. 24th and it was supposed to be final on Nov. 13th. I had begged him to wait, to give it some time. He said no, he was 100% sure he wanted a D and there was no reason to drag it out. He messed up the paperwork (no lawyers) and it didn't go through. Sometime during that week he had a revelation. He actually told me that if I still wanted the D then I would have to be the one to do it.
No matter how bad you think it is...there is still hope. I know you said your H is going to see OW and I know that is hard, but if YOU want to work on it then you can continue to DB. When my H moved out he moved in with OW. In my mind, she had just taken my place and they were this happy little family and she was everything I wasn't. I was wrong. Maybe at one time he thought that too, I don't know. I do know that he doesn't think that now. Please email me if you need to. I feel like our situations are a lot alike. There aren't many people on this site as young as you and me...or that have been married for such a short time.
Sorry for the long post, but when I read your story it struck a nerve with me. I know what you are going through.
What klm and FLTC say is so true. He saw a lot of horrible things and did have to shoot one person. He's totally adrenaline-addicted and has the nightmares, the alcohol abuse, the employment issues (can't maintain a normal schedule, got fired from work) and obviously the marital issues that go along with PTSD. Additionally, he has said/done some things that make me think that these "fantasies" he and the OW are playing with involve what I would term self-mutilation.
He has cut himself off from me, his family, and his old friends because they all notice how much he has changed. Not only does the OW not realize this, but since OW has depression issues and "used to" cut with razor blades, he probably feels more normal around her.
Problem is, understanding this doesn't get me any closer to knowing how to handle it. Plus since he is not on active duty, his chain of command has limited control over him. Compound the problem with his denial and I'm a very, very frustrated woman.
What klm says about hoe OW has taken my place and they are so happy and she is everything I'm not really hits home with me. She is immature, co-dependent, passive, and uncertain. Ironically, looks-wise we are similar, athletic, mid-length brown hair, etc. Personally, I would describe her as a spoiled little rich brat who has never had a job or a real challenge in her whole life. However, H feels protective and needed with her because she's so much younger and he bought her alcohol before she turned 21 and since she's financially dependent on her family he can buy her things (of course, with his financial situation, this is all going on his credit card).
I think what has been said about how I handled everything while he was gone is so true. I took care of both our finances, I moved all our stuff twice, etc. Yeah I missed him, but I got along without him. I went out with my friends, made some new friends, went dancing and kept busy. What frustrates me is I have never believed that anyone NEEDS someone else because I am perfectly capable of doing things on my own, but I WANT someone else in my life, and I committed to H for life! I was so happy to have him home.
I feel like the problem is compounded because the LRT and the 180 are complete opposites in my case. He was always the pursuer, he was always in control of the pace of our relationship. So LRT says don't contact him, but 180 says I need to make the efforts!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
My H and I were the same way. He was always the pursuer. A 180 for me would have been to pursue him...BUT that is not what they want right now. They are past that. I don't think you should go no contact, but maybe just limited contact. Do not bring up the R or OW. Trust me, I know it is hard...and sometimes impossible. Do not bring up divorce. I think by me constantly bringing it up, it finally drove him to file. Just don't mention it.
How does he know OW if she is in England? I think your H has been through a lot. The way he is ruining relationships and cutting people out of his life points to PTSD. I think my H was is and still is PTSD. He says he is ok, but I know better and don't want to rush back into anything. I am sure your H seems like a different person. It is so hard to watch them self destruct. If he is doing this "cutting" self mutilation stuff he needs help quick...even if he gets madder at you.
I was going to suggest maybe you contact his commander and tell him that you are worried about him. They can require counseling. I am not sure if your H is in the reserves, but that is what it sounds like and I don't know how that works as much. My H is in the Air Force. My H's boss noticed his change at work and made him go to counseling. If this is an option for you I would make sure your H didn't know you suggested it.
The best thing you can do right now is be patient. You also need to work on yourself. Try to detach and GAL. Do this for you, not for him...but he will notice. Don't try to make him notice. I think they pay attention more than we give them credit for. Another thing, your imagination is your worst enemy. Don't try to think about what he is saying and doing with OW. I am sure it is not what you have in your mind. He is messed up right now and couldn't be there for anyone. Sounds like she is messed up too. Eventually he will see he needs something stable in his life and she is not stable. Right now she is a band-aid on his problems. She doesn't ask him questions, she doesn't know he is different. For now, just give him space and work on yourself.
Are you two still in the same town? Do you have any reasons to contact him? We have no kids so I didn't...although I did call about bills or finances every now and then. If you talk to him, do not bring up R. Trust me, you will only feel worse.
Something I was going to tell you Michelle is that up until the day my H called me and said he made a mistake I had barely talked to him. I had finally accepted the D. He had been so cold and so mean to me. It seemed like it was so easy for him to just move on. I cried everyday and I couldn't understand how he could just write everything off and never look back.
I think once the fighting was over and reality set in with OW he "woke up". He started missing me. I have not yet forgiven him and I have told him we have a lot to work on and I have a LOT of questions. But, the ball is in my court now, he even said "this is your decision". Keep in mind that he came to this realization while I was 1000 miles away and only talking to him about once every two weeks for ten minutes or so. We don't have to put our GAL in their face...they sense it. I have to go, I will check on you later. I am so sorry you are here.
I am so glad to hear your are in law school! You should have a lot of connections. What kind of job did your H have? I am wondering if he may feel inferior to you as you are bettering yourself. I think my H kind of felt that way throughout our R. I will write more later. Hang in there.
I have made some calls and his commander has ordered him to go for an evaluation. I kept it anonymous mostly, so I'm hoping he doesn't realize it was me. He's FURIOUS about the evaluation. I don't think he's cutting, but he's definitely gotten into some things that go even beyond what I could consider relatively harmless S&M/bondage stuff.
He is in school for his bachelor's degree still (getting deployed seriously screwed with his schooling). He was working in a genetics lab until he screwed that up.
He met the OW in school (ironically the same way we met, in a class), she is doing her senior year abroad in England. Ironically, if he does feel inferior to me, she will also be finished with her bachelor's before him, so if he doesn't get his act together he'll be in the same situation anyways.
He started as a psychology major (same major as OW) and changed to plant biology when he got back from his deployment and went back to school. He has talked about grad school and I have always tried to be supportive of him no matter what because it doesn't matter to me whether he has a degree or in what. However, nothing I do is right apparently because if I don't jump up and down over his every idea I'm not supportive, and when I inquire into how school is I am pressuring him. *rolls eyes*
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
It is amazing how many similarities there are between our stories. Ironic that he was originally a psychology major. What kind of law are you going into? I am an engineer and my H didn't finish college. It never bothered me because like you that didn't matter to me...but I think it did to him. He joined the Air Force and now is faced with major career decisions as he will be getting out in December.
That is good that they have ordered an evaluation. If he is hurting himself then it doesn't matter if he is mad about it...he will get over it when he gets better. When you get mad at him for all of this just try to remember that he has seen and been through things that you and I can not even comprehend. Is he on antidepressants? Sounds like he should be and they will probably figure that out when they evaluate him. It is good that there is a lot of distance between him and OW. Long distance relationships are hard under the best of circumstances.
So many times I have thought to myself that I should have been worried about H instead of mad at him. Try to remember that. I think he definitely has PTSD. Just try to give him space and don't pressure him. You sound like you are doing very good.
