Ouch! Thought I was so much stronger!

[Hurtin4certain]

Hello all,
Ive never posted here before but Ive been lurking the posts from other users on and off for 2 years.

A little about my sitch. In Oct 2005 my W (she is a mild bi-polar) told me that she wanted to separate in December. I did all the usual crying, begging etc. Nothing would convince her to change her mind. Little did I know but she had bought a house in a town 60 miles away from where we lived. I was devastated. I figured she wanted much more than just a separation, she bought a house!

Anyways, after she left on Christmas day with our daughter a few months had passed and I figured I would try and GAL and not contact her. Thats when a good buddy of mine surfing Match.com told me to take a look on his computer. There she was, active within 24 hours. My world came crumbling down, I was absolutely devastated. It literally made me sick when I saw her pic.

After the devastation began to wear off, I began to let go. She had initiated divorce proceedings as I became furious at her behaviour. Thats when I met her, a beatiful girl that worked in the same building as me. We hit if off and I thought all my problems were a thing of the past. I no longer thought about my wife, as far as I was concerned, I had found someone much better. I had let go of my marriage. I was absolutely infatuated with my new girlfriend, she was perfect for me. Once my wife sensed that I had let go, thats when she started coming around. She dismissed the divorce proceedings and started calling my mother crying all the time about how she missed me and had made a huge mistake. Part of me felt really bad for her and I figured maybe she had seen the grass wasnt greener. I agreed to marriage counseling but I was still very angry with how she abandoned me in an empty house and simply left me to drown in a sea of misery.

Needless to say, I didnt try very hard in counseling. One thing our counselor constantly said was "you need to pursue each other at the same time". I wasnt having that, she needed to pursue me. Afterall, she left the marriage the first time. I was blinded by resentment. The counselor said it would never work out. I didnt really care at that point as I had several women calling me and offering to be with me. I kick myself for how stupid I was. My wife and I decided to go our separate ways.

Fast forward 8 months. Id been getting along just fine, enjoying my freedom and then SNAP... I felt this little aching feeling in my heart. My anger for my wife was gone and all I could feel was pain and the feeling of how much I missed her. Sure she had left me, but she tried to make it right. I now realized that perhaps I let a good thing slip through my fingers. I called her in August and told her that I accepted some of the responsibility for the demise of our marriage. I told her I no longer blamed everything on her decision to leave. Her leaving was a symptom of a problem much larger. I asked if she would like to perhaps take things slow and date. She told me "yes, Im interested. I still miss you". AWESOME! I felt so good!

After dating for a couple of months and me taking things VERY slow (I didnt want to scare her off), she began to decline my offers for dates. Hmmm, thats odd. She told me that she didnt feel like she was getting what she needed from our newly emerging relationship. Then she started calling me depressed and giving hints that she might like a divorce. She also said she was scared if she went that route that she might be making the biggest mistake in her life. After a few weeks of minimal contact, she called and said she felt she needed to tell me some things but she was afraid I would judge her. She never got around to telling me her thoughts, I simply told her I was here for her if she needed me.

Last Friday, the BOMB. After exchanging our daughter for the weekend, my daughter and I drove off towards me house. "Daddy, mommy has a boyfriend. His name is OM". I almost collapsed. I immediatley tried to call my wifes cell phone, no answer. Dialed again, no answer. Dialed again, no answer. She must have known that I had just found out. I called her cell one last time and left her a voicemail. I told her "I just found out about OM. It really hurts me but if he is what you need, Im happy for you". I was CRUSHED. Here was the woman Ive always loved and she had chosen to be with OM over me. Just 8 months earlier she was dying to make our marriage work.

She texted me the next morning and said "Im not sure what you are looking for me to say. I am sorry you are hurt. It was never my intention for things to be this way."

I desperately want my marraige/family back. I havent called or texted her since her text message. IM DYING INSIDE. Cant sleep, cant eat, obsessing. I know I need to detach but its so hard when I feel like Im going to lose her this time.

Please help!

[Hurtin4certain]

Come on guys.... do you have any advice at all?

[Yoyowife]

Hurtin,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you are on the best path by detaching and not pursuing. I'm assuming you have read Divorce Remedy. The main thing is to take care of yourself and your daughter. Do things you enjoy. Try not to dwell on her. I know it's hard, but we can not change them, we can only work on ourselves to become the best person we can be.

[RedHeadWife]

I'm just wondering if all of a sudden you want what you can't have. You were happy when you had a girlfriend and then what happened?

I think the counselor was right when she said that you both need to want it at the same time. First, you didn't want her AT ALL and now you do, but she has a boyfriend. Do you think you really want her back or is it just that she's unavailable now?

[Hurtin4certain]

Red,
Thanks for your reply. I wanted her back since before I knew she had a bf. Its like all this anger I had for her completely vanished. Then my true feelings for her came about. We were high school sweethearts and have been together for 16 years. Im 32. Half my life with this woman, I dont want to throw it all away. I keep beating myself up for not realizing what I was throwing away when we were in counseling but I simply wasnt over the hurt and ready to give it a go. Ive learned so much about myself during the past 2 years and I feel like Im done with the games and want to pursue a true, deep meaningful relationship.

[RedHeadWife]

I can tell you one thing, you are going to have to allow yourself to let go of beating yourself up over the past. I know I went through that -- I felt like I had thrown away so many years of our M and had to forgive myself for the things I had done & not done in the M to mess it all up. Otherwise, you will walk around w/ that forever.

[Hurtin4certain]

How do you cope with the obsessive thoughts of your spouse with OP? Insomia is killing me.

[Yoyowife]

Hurtin,
It seems like you are having a delayed reaction to this. It seems that your anger at first shielded you from the grief that many of us go through at the revelation of an affair.

I tried to go through the grief on my own, but finally gave in and went to the doctor and was prescribed Lexapro for depression and anxiety.

Before getting on the AD's I couldn't concentrate on anything other than my husband and the affair, I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't eat. The not eating thing is the only thing I miss. LOL.

[RedHeadWife]

True that -- I didn't/don't mind the weight loss one bit

I second Yoyo's suggestion though, you may want or need to talk to your doc about getting on an AD.

[Hurtin4certain]

Ok..thanks for the advice ladies. I had my Dr. write a prescription for Prozac. In addition, I bought an OTC sleep aid. Not sleeping has made me worthless at work.

My wife sent me an instant message today asking what time we could exchange our D on Friday. After we agreed on a time, she said "Have a good day. Talk to you later!"

I dont get it, how could she act so happy when she knows Im dying inside? I literally found out about OM 4 days ago. Is she trying to get a reaction out of me? Trying to see if Im going to just let her go and move on with my life?

H4C