I am becoming increasingly concerned, from what I read from others, that after 2 years I STILL don't know what was wrong with my marriage. All my h can say is that he isn't physically attracted to me any more [despite an active intimate life right up until the bomb]. He can't explain why . . . nor does he see that it is a problem. As far as he is concerned, when we last spoke, it is absolutely fine to leave a long marriage, if you find yourself more attracted to someone else.
I have tried to fix the things that I need to fix, but I can't fix my lack of attraction - I am slender, well groomed, and men find me attractive. He can't tell me what it is about me that doesn't attract him, and denies that he used to find me irresistable [which is true].
I just don't know what to do. I thought our marriage was happy. We had fun together, made plans, did stuff. Rarely quarrelled, although we aregued about interesting stuff like politics and music and books. We had shared tastes. We adored our kids.
People say, if you think about it you will remeber that your marriage wasn't that great, or there were things you really needed to fix. It sounds so arrogant, but my h used to say how lucky he was to be married to me . . . .
What I remember of my M pre-MLC is that it was a stable loving one. Like you we hardly ever argued. The only thing I can thing of is that we got into a rut trying to make our lives better for the future. I guess we took each other for granted. We got boring!!!!!
As you know my h used to tell me that he wasn't attracted to me either and M break up all the time. That was MLC talking big time!
It is not you, Angelica. It is your h. What he feels for you is still buried deep within himself. He can't tell you why because he doesn't know himself. I used to ask my h how he could just turn off the feeling the way he did. He said that he didn't know. It just happened. You just keep doing what you are doing. As always you are doing great!
Thanks YR - it is just that here I am two years plus down the line, and everyone else is talking about how we need to recognise what was wrong with our marriages. I am not sure we were even in a rut!
I feel such a dork for not KNOWING, or worse, arrogant and unself-aware. I didn't see it coming . . . He used to tell me he was happy.
You are not a dork!!!! I think that was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. My h was happy one day and then he went looney!! I know that h and I used to be best friends along with being M. Everyone was always envious of our M. We never disrespected each other and got along so well. When he flipped out on his MLC journey no one could believe it!!!
I didn't see it coming either if that makes you feel any better. I was totally blind sided.
People say, if you think about it you will remeber that your marriage wasn't that great, or there were things you really needed to fix. It sounds so arrogant, but my h used to say how lucky he was to be married to me
My H said this too. Sooo many times he's told me or others that he has no idea where he'd be without me. That he would have never got to where he was today without me. That he is so lucky to have me. This was even the winter of 2006.
It makes no sense...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
The only thing I can thing of is that we got into a rut trying to make our lives better for the future. I guess we took each other for granted. We got boring!!!!!
Bingo!! My thoughts exactly in my sitch too.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
You are not a dork!!!! I think that was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. My h was happy one day and then he went looney!! I know that h and I used to be best friends along with being M. Everyone was always envious of our M. We never disrespected each other and got along so well. When he flipped out on his MLC journey no one could believe it!!!
I didn't see it coming either if that makes you feel any better. I was totally blind sided.
YR, you are pulling this out of my head!!
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I think most of us can say the same things. That is what makes us all so dumbfounded when it happens. I was so confused. My h kept saying it wasn't me, it was him! I struggled with this for a long time!
this really isn't about you and you did not cause this. It is something inside your H. Something went totally wrong with him. It had nothing to do with your M or you.
It is something that he will have to work out for himself and there is really NOTHING you can do.
The fixing what went wrong with your M part comes in to play that if your H decides to return to you and your M, you have to be prepared. It is a long road home and you have to make your part in that strong, and have yourself prepared to get through it. This is just the opportune to time to better yourself. To be a better half of the marriage.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
