I haven't been around for a while - I think it's been about 5 months. Things with H are status quo - separated and seeing separate Cs and that's about it - except that I think right now the D is inevitable. I've done some reading about ACOAs and I think it might actually be the most loving thing I can do - ie: let him and our current sich go. Still, all is moot since money doesn't grow on trees and currently doesn't grow in our bank accounts! So, even if we are eventually heading to divorce, right now we can't afford such moves and are just trying to figure out how to get through the holidays with the fewest weird moments and sad times for our boys.
I thought I'd post here again, though, for another reason. Since all of this has happened with my H and me, I have had four different close women friends tell me how dissatisfied they are with their marriages. None of these marriages are abusive - at least in any way that is obvious or that is mentioned. It's more that these friends are finding the work of marriage too much, that they are wanting their own lives, that they are tired of their hs' selfish focuses, etc. None of my friends have made any overt moves -- I don't think any of their hs know they are feeling like this -- but I find myself wondering what to do.
It's not that I can speak for them or know what they are feeling, but part of me wants to say something - to tell them how painful it is to have a mate of years (all of these friends have been married at least 10 years) decide to end it. I think of how my h has said that he knows now he should have said something right away when he started to feel himself losing touch and love for me - instead of waiting two years, deciding it was dead, and moving out. I want to say to these women "get ye to a marriage counselor" or to throw books at them, or to just shake them and say "Look at the good of what you have and don't waste that!"
The other thing I have been hearing these past ten months - almost 11 - is a number of my other women friends who say that if their own marriages broke up, they wouldn't consider remarrying. Marriage to them is too much work, men are too selfish and they are doing too much to keep it all going.
I hear all of this and wonder what's UP? Why don't I feel that way? Even as I have GAL & have an increasingly wonderful career restarting this fall - to the point that I have actually thanked H for leaving since his going got me motivated to return to what I love - and I come up with plans for my future that would be fulfilling w/o H - I know that even as all of that's happening, that I still wish we could try again, I still think I'd work hard to rebuild what wasn't there, I still find myself loving this man who is hurting but also not wanting to be with me. And I know that if things go as they seem now, I wouldn't pass up the chance for another marriage, another relationship. I can stand alone, but I wouldn't want to be single to avoid marriage!
So... the point: Any insights to what, if anything, I could say to my friends who are thinking of being WAWs? Any insights to how I could understand my friends who sound like they are wearing themselves ragged to keep marriages going - to the point that they would rather be alone than try to remarry?
Queries from a quiet night with the boys gone -- A
I have confided in one friend about my situation. She then confided in me that she and her were having problems. They apparently went to counseling a couple of years ago but it didn't help.
She is very unhappy in her marriage and the thing that I hear the most is the selfish nature of her H.
I mostly listen and be supportive to her. That is what she has done for me and I greatly appreciate it.
However, I did tell her once, through tears, that I hoped that she never ended up where I was. I told her that she should do everything she could to fix her marriage, because I was in h*ll and I wouldn't wish what I was going through on my worst enemy, let alone a close friend.
In her situation, I get the impression that she would be the one to walk away, and that is so difficult for me to understand.
But, for the most part, I just listen and support. I don't lecture that marriage is hard work, I don't lecture that she is part of the problem...I just listen. I really think that it is all that I can do....
I agree with what you are saying; I too try to just listen, and I don't plan to lecture about the difficulty of marriage - sometimes I wonder if I didn't work hard enough on my own. But it is that feeling of wanting to say "You don't want to feel what I'm feeling; you don't want to have someone you have loved feel what I'm feeling" that I wonder about relaying. I am doing well today, but it has been hell getting here and when I hear my friends talking like this, I cry inside. How much I wish I could have done something before! How much I wish the couple people I know that my h confided in just before walking out - how much I wish they had said something that might have prompted him to try one more time to break through!
Still, it helps to hear what you are saying. I think that probably it is best to just listen. I just worry - no, wonder - if I'm being the best friend I can be by not trying to have them hear me. Of course, they have watched me through this year, and I guess if that hasn't convinced them that this journey is hell, nothing will....
I was just thinking, though. I don't know if my h hadn't walked out - if he had just said we're in trouble; let's get help - if we would have done the work we are doing now? Sometimes, is this leaving and pain necessary to break through the years of habit and mislistenings?
I know that I didn't work hard enough on mine. I regret, regret, regret that. But in no way did I think things were this bad. And, in no way, do I like the way he is "fixing" our problems. But I actually do think...at least for me...that if he would have said let's get help...I would have done so in a minute. And, while I don't know you....I have to assume that if your H came and said to you that he was unhappy in your M and said he wanted counseling - I am thinking you would have gone.
And, yes...I get very frustrated with my friend (although I never show it). I can hear and see what she is doing and I want to scream at her - do you know how much pain you will cause....I know you want to hurt your H, but do you also want to hurt your children, your family, his family and your friends? It is a very selfish act to leave - and very hard for me to understand.
Oh, Anned - would have, could have, should have....if we could just turn back time....
I would have to say something to my friends. After what I have gone through and knowing the pain it causes the children, LBS and their families. I would have to try and explain to them that it would be worth trying, really trying, to explain the way they are feeling to their H's and seek counseling.
I know I didn't work hard enough on my M. That is something that I will always regret. I wasn't given the chance to work on it, my H just walked out and never looked back. If I had a chance to possibly stop this from happening to another family I would do it in a heartbeat.
I know it would not be an easy conversation to have with your friend. I also know that a lot of time someone's mind is made up before they talk about it.
But you just said yourself
"How much I wish I could have done something before! How much I wish the couple people I know that my h confided in just before walking out - how much I wish they had said something that might have prompted him to try one more time to break through!"
Excellent thread here. I have to say, I hear and see the same thing.
I think people have forgotten to count their blessings in life. They forget what truly matters in this world, when it's all said and done. And that goes for the selfish husbands, too.
If people would just stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and be grateful for a home, a family, a decent job, good health, they might shake off that selfish attitude when they realize just how blessed they really are.
Marriage is hard work, and I think sometimes spouses forget that. Sometimes it takes something of this magnitude (i.e., a MLC) to see everything clearly for what it should be. I hope your friends, and mine, figure this out very soon.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Good Morning, y'all --- I hear in all of your posts the same thing I feel. That wish, that regret, that sense of what if. I think if any of my friends begin to talk more seriously about making moves, I will try to tell them how much I wish things had been different. At least then, maybe they'll reflect a bit. Heck, with the way I approached things after H left, I could give them a small dissertation's worth of books to read that could help!
The comment about working on my own marriage and maybe not doing what we are doing now comes from the degree of work I'm doing, and that we had tried MC about 11 years ago. We thought that had helped, and probably it did for a while. What I wonder now is if we had gone to MC before he had left, would I have taken the amount of soul searching I needed to do as seriously - and would he? I know I can never walk backwards, and it really would depend on who we would have found for a counselor, but sometimes I wonder. I know that H is doing a lot of his own ACOA issue work - and all of that, too, I don't know how much MC could have held off. His MLC came in the form of all of those demons raising their heads; if only those demons had suggested that his fight might have been stronger with me instead of without me!
But, today's a good day, and I thank you all for being here to talk to as the questions roll in and life rolls on.
Do you wonder sometimes, if some of the women you know who are complaining about their H's and being unhappy in their marriages are women that are very astute and are noticing perhaps some of the very beginnings of a MLC at work in their spouse? Perhaps instead of being worried or concerned about the changes in behavior, they are annoyed with their husbands and are already thinking of throwing in the towel...before their H's have even gotten up the courage to walk out the door. Just something to think about. I know in my own situation before the "bomb" my H was not treating me right. At all. And many other women might have said, "To heck with this" and left before the A was even uncovered.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
So, even if we are eventually heading to divorce, right now we can't afford such moves and are just trying to figure out how to get through the holidays with the fewest weird moments and sad times for our boys.
- and I come up with plans for my future that would be fulfilling w/o H - I know that even as all of that's happening, that I still wish we could try again, I still think I'd work hard to rebuild what wasn't there, I still find myself loving this man who is hurting but also not wanting to be with me. And I know that if things go as they seem now, I wouldn't pass up the chance for another marriage, another relationship. I can stand alone, but I wouldn't want to be single to avoid marriage!