Long road Time now to bring OM into the Picture

[soul_mate]

I have been posting on and off for almost a year in the newcomers section and a few in other sections. Here is my current thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1245222&page=3#Post1245222

My problem today is that I know W is texting everyday to OM that lives on the opposite coast. I stopped snooping so don't know a lot of new details. She admits that she is talking with someone and that she likes him, but will admit to nothing more. She does not see it as cheating since in her words we are separated and she did say she would see others if the opportunity arose. Obviously I am extremely upset by the situation and feel pretty helpless. I guess deep down I know it will probally never turn into anything especaially due the distantance. They have been talking for the past 2 months I think they meet at a club while he was in town.

I have been trying to DB and keep my emotions in check, but today she really tested that. She called all excited saying work is sending her out of town in Jan and yes it happens to be the city the OM lives in. I of course am upset and just said Ok see you at 3:15 our kids teacher conference. She gets upset and say maybe we should not talk if you can't be happy for me I just said goodbye. After this she called me every 5 minutes and I did not answer. She left a message which by the way was just 10 minutes after our call that we should not talk, the message said I really wanted to talk to you the girls at the office got me some cool gifts and decorated my office and I wanted to chat etc. She sounded upbeat and like she just forgot our conversation 10 minutes ago, but I think she was worried about what I might know or whatever. She has no idea that I know who OM is and where he lives. Hard to be upbeat and nice with her when I know for sure she will be seeing OM. Maybe the trip is a work one, but she definetly was trying to take it to see OM. She never travels with work and I know she is doing this to see him.

I have so far today fought back my urge to confront her, but don't know what I will do when I see her in 2 hours from now.

[soul_mate]

So far I have not said anything about the fact that I know she is taking her trip to see OM and it is not business. I hate being lied to. I am having a difficult time being in her presence right now which of course is not helping my DB efforts. Any suggestions should I call her out on this?

[JoieDeVivre]

Hi,
I've read your posts several times now -- wondering how to respond. It's a different situation, that's for sure! So, you know W is in contact with OM, but she doesn't know that you know? Just wanted to make sure that's what I read. And, you said you were separated. Is she out of the house or is she using that term to mean that even though you're under the same roof, you're "separated"?

Joie

[soul_mate]

She has admitted she is in contact with OM, but she does not know that I know any details. We are separated we split time @ my parents vacation house. Lately we have been under the same roof more than we are not due to the fact that she wants me to stay there for some reason or another and the last week she has been recovering from surgrey so I let her stay with me on my week. We are also going on a family vacation over the Thanksgiving holiday. Basically she feels that she can go ahead and move forward with another man while I am still there to be the family guy.

I really feel she is lost and moving to OM so quickly and not even figuring herself out is not going to help. She also is being more and more distant with our children. I really feel like I need to say something to and try to get her attention and I mean this not in a way of trying to get her back. I am just in shock really I look it her and its like it is not the same woman at all.

[InLikeFlynn]

What are you gaining by not saying anything?

[soul_mate]

I guess nothing other than the fact that she will wonder how I got my info. I have been asking myself the opposite question what do I gain by telling her.

[JoieDeVivre]

Well, she's going to be mad at you for both ... for snooping and for finding out her secret. She won't be happy at getting busted. But are her secrets fair to you?

I was pretty sure my H was having an A a month before I found out for sure. But the way I found out made me wish I had not sat on the info. I had seen his credit card statements with hotel room charges but waited another month so I could track his overnight trips, and get another statement.

But then he had a motorcycle accident with OW one weekend, before I could do that. I have wished a million times that I had said something before that day.

It doesn't matter if you do it now or wait, it's not going to make the task any easier. But think about yourself here. She's going to off on this weekend and enjoy herself and you will be miserable. I would confront her.

If you're hoping to R, then it may be harder if she goes off on this weekend and has a wonderful time with this man. And that may make your sitch, and her entanglement, even more complicated.

Perhaps it's just because of what I've been through. My H lied to me for over a year. I just hate to see anyone go through that any longer than they have to ... or at all.

If anyone else disagrees, please speak up.

Joie

[soul_mate]

Joie thanks for the response.

Just found out a few minutes ago that OM is coming to town this week and W has had big plans this week "with the girls".

Once again she is lying by saying her plans are with her girlfreinds this weekend when I now know she will be spending it with OM. I think I will have to say something tomorrow about this just so she knows I know what she is doing. Man I am sick of this BS. Anyone with any advice on this new discovery.

The other thing is that it is not a complete secret she admits to talking with someone, but in no ways admits how far their R is along. Funny how their R can be this far along when they meet only a month ago and have only seen each other once.

Is there any advantage to just pretending I am stupid to the situation?

[JoieDeVivre]

After been through this myself, I see NO advantage of pretending to be stupid in this sitch.

What is the advantage in letting her know that you know? You'll feel better about yourself. If you don't say something, you'll be angry at her AND yourself. You know she's lying and she thinks she's getting away with it. Not that she won't find a way to lie after she knows you know -- they always do. Least that's what I think.

I know it's difficult because technically you're separated -- but if it is no big deal, why isn't she being truthful with you? She's hiding it cause it is a dig deal.

Joie

[soul_mate]

Thanks Joie I have not said anything yet, but I will. I know she probally spent the whole night with OM last night and it is killing me. I could not sleep at all last night Im just so tired of the pain she is causing me. I often wonder if she has any idea of what she is putting me through, probally not. I have a strong feeling she will be absent again for my son's t-ball today and if so I will also make her aware of this. I have no idea what happened to the person I married and had children with.

It is all just so typical she is unhappy and trying to fill the void with a OM, but as everyone knows this will only buy you short term excitement. After that she can continue from OM to OM or stop and realize what she is doing.