I've been reading your posts and following your story, and I have to say...you're doing great. This stuff is not easy and it hurts like hell most of the time. We never know what the "right" thing to do is, but we keep trying to listen to people who have experience and who can guide us. And that matters a lot.
Good luck to you!
Regards,
ntl
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
That is part of the reason I want to post is to show that there is some light at the end of the tunnel for some. It seems awkward at times when I read some of the other situations where the "evil" and the selfishness is beyond description.
I can tell you that I had some of that, I remember in October my W almost screamed at me and said I hate you when you look like that, and many other moments when I was shattered to say the least. The loneliness and the physical rejection could keep me up all night.
It is also why I so strongly suggest finding a soul mate or three from here or somewhere who understands the dynamics of all this. A friend or family member who has not been through it can never understand that a person can change so drastically. It really is so true that when you lie, you make the lie the truth and that by necessity makes the truth the lie. It also makes the good bad, since the good is part of the truth.
This it took me over 4 months to figure out, and still struggling to come to grips with it.
The above fact is probably why it will be very tough to deal with the OM again, I do see him all the time, and now just ignore him. He is not close to a tenth of the man I thought he was when we were friends.
I also know that the road is still long and there will be some severe bumps yet ahead.
This is helpful beyond description and if it gives one person or couple a glimmer of hope it is worth every one finger typo and more.
A huge Hug to everyone, I know how good and needed that can be
Had a tough night last night, the OM showed up at the club on a night when he said he would not so I was a little surprised and I guess my tension showed to my W, when we got home we talked about it a little and I said I do not trust him and I do not like him one bit. She was semi defending him and his actions in a way. I also brought up the fact that he is now hanging out and drinking with some other ladies and she said that is what we all do. I said look where it got him with you.
Don't know if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill or if I should atleast let his wife know. She is not an active member of this club or group.
Then I was unable to perform, so I was blamed for not being turned on and not having passion. My W then slept on the couch, so not a great night, and funny that I prosted yesterday on a high that there will still be ups and downs and boy did I come down with a bang. We are going out for dinner tonight so hopefully it will be nice.
Had a tough night last night, the OM showed up at the club on a night when he said he would not so I was a little surprised and I guess my tension showed to my W, when we got home we talked about it a little and I said I do not trust him and I do not like him one bit. She was semi defending him and his actions in a way. I also brought up the fact that he is now hanging out and drinking with some other ladies and she said that is what we all do. I said look where it got him with you.
Don't know if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill or if I should atleast let his wife know. She is not an active member of this club or group.
Then I was unable to perform, so I was blamed for not being turned on and not having passion. My W then slept on the couch, so not a great night, and funny that I prosted yesterday on a high that there will still be ups and downs and boy did I come down with a bang. We are going out for dinner tonight so hopefully it will be nice.
Have a Great Weekend,
H
Yuck. I can't imagine what I would be going through if I constantly had to see the OW that my H had an affair with. I'm surprised you act as well as you do. Kudos to you for your maturity! I'd be kicking, screaming, and crying like a baby everytime I saw her.
You know, I don't think it is unfair for you to calmly and openly let your wife know about why you weren't able to perform. I can't imagine that seeing the man your wife had an affair with did great things for your sex drive. I mean, c'mon!
Ups and downs, my friend. Hopefully we'll get to the part where there are more ups than downs.
Regards, ntl
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
Had an up and down weekend, we went for dinner on friday and had some very open and honest talk. I talked about how it hurts to see the OM and how it reminds me of whatever happened and then all my imaginary images and thoughts start racing through my head.
I also talked about one website that urges people to make the affairs public so that we as a society can learn and understand how much they hurt and affect people and children. We only see the Hollywood drama and excitement surrounding the affairs. I don't think she really understood that. We have chosen not to tell anyone.
My W was ill that night, I thought maybe it was all the thinking she did about what she did, or maybe it was the food. We just took it easy on saturday.
Sunday my W snapped at me, I thought it was nothing but she just said how selfish I was and all this, It really hurt so I just avoided her and tried to do things on my own. It is what other people here have said that it seems when things are ok and getting better even loving, the cheater has to bring back the negatives that they filled their mind with when they did what they did.
It just lingers and it is tough.
The last thing was that the OM sent me an email suggesting that we should perhaps try to get together since things have been awkward and tense at the club the past few months. I replied that I am around so anytime works. Have not heard back from him and I told my W that I was going alone for a man to man session so speak if we do it. Thing is, we will be there for the rest of the season and probably for years to come, don't know what it will do if anything and I have no idea how to make matters less tense so to speak. Perhaps that is why I have not heard anything from him.
Trying to detach and just be, and have to realise that it will take a very long time,
Wishing you a splendid week, and whoever said that don't believe 100% of what they say and 50% of what they do, or is it the other way around, I am trying to get that through my thick skull as well.
I had a nice night and I also worked out a little, kind of stopped doing that and it really makes a difference to get the crap out of the system. I am fairly agressive in my workout so it is short and intense.
Just hung out and watched some tv with my W and it was pleasant. I wrote her a little note, as I call it part of our road map for the future, just focused on not blaming, no right or wrong and trying to listen to each other. We are not good at that, so if we can create a happy space we can do stuff, and being able to laugh.
I am also working hard on clearing my head of the OM. As I have mentioned I see him at least twice a week at our club and can not really avoid it. I just have to pretend he is just another body, try not to let his presence bother me, and move on. He is the guy who had a MLC and I believe seduced my W, he is 50 and she is 38, he is retired and comfortable so has all the time in the world for everyone except his W I guess.
That is where we are at. I am trying to detach in many ways, and as you all know, it goes up and down and is a constant struggle in a way.
I think that's the way you need to treat OM at this point, with indifference.
I so agree. And with kindness. One thing that helps me is if I try to envision my H as a friend from out of town. I always ask myself, "If this was (friend from out of town), how would I react in this situation, or, what would I be doing or saying?"
It really puts things in perspective and helps me make better decisions about my reactions.
Regards,
ntl
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
Just need this for myself and hopefully some will resonate with other people.
“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”
“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”
“You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.”
"When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it."
"If we say that monsters [people who do terrible evil] are beyond forgiving, we give them a power they should never have...they are given the power to keep their evil alive in the hearts of those who suffered most. We give them power to condemn their victims to live forever with the hurting memory of their painful pasts. We give the monsters the last word."
"With a little time, and a little more insight, we begin to see both ourselves and our enemies in humbler profiles. We are not really as innocent as we felt when we were first hurt. And we do not usually have a gigantic monster to forgive; we have a weak, needy, and somewhat stupid human being. When you see your enemy and yourself in the weakness and silliness of the humanity you share, you will make the miracle of forgiving a little easier."
All the years you have waited for them to "make it up to you" and all the energy you expended trying to make them change (or make them pay) kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage your life. And still they may not have changed. Nothing you have done has made them change. Indeed, they may never change. Inner peace is found by changing yourself, not the people who hurt you. And you change yourself for yourself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion, laughter, and bright future that you get."
"It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited."
"Not even God can make something fair out of what is intrinsically unfair. Only one thing can be done. Something must break through the crust of unfairness and create a chance for a new fairness. Only forgiveness can make the breakthrough."
"I worry about fast forgivers. They tend to forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain. Or they forgive fast in order to get an advantage over the people they forgive. And their instant forgiving only makes things worse...People who have been wronged badly and wounded deeply should give themselves time and space before they forgive...There is a right moment to forgive. We cannot predict it in advance; we can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives...Don't do it quickly, but don't wait too long...If we wait too long to forgive, our rage settles in and claims squatter's rights to our souls."
"Spoken forgiving, no matter how heartfelt, works best when we do not demand the response we want. I mean that when we tell people we forgive them, we must leave them free to respond to our good news however they are inclined. If the response is not what we hoped for, we can go home and enjoy our own healing in private."
"Forgiving does not usually happen at once. It is a process, sometimes a long one, especially when it comes to wounds gouged deep. And we must expect some lapses...some people seem to manage to finish off forgiving in one swoop of the heart. But when they do, you can bet they are forgiving flesh wounds. Deeper cuts take more time and can use a second coat."
"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."
"Forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting...A wounded person cannot--indeed, should not--think that a faded memory can provide an expiation of the past. To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance, no wound can be transcended."
"Forgiveness is a rebirth of hope, a reorganization of thought, and a reconstruction of dreams. Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events."
"In a way, forgiving is only for the brave. It is for those people who are willing to confront their pain, accept themselves as permanently changed, and make difficult choices. Countless individuals are satisfied to go on resenting and hating people who wrong them. They stew in their own inner poisons and even contaminate those around them. Forgivers, on the other hand, are not content to be stuck in a quagmire. They reject the possibility that the rest of their lives will be determined by the unjust and injurious acts of another person."
"Vengeance is having a videotape planted in your soul that cannot be turned off. It plays the painful scene over and over again inside your mind...And each time it plays you feel the clap of pain again...Forgiving turns off the videotape of pained memory Forgiving sets you free."
"Forgiveness is the only way to break the cycle of blame--and pain--in a relationship...It does not settle all questions of blame and justice and fairness...But it does allow relationships to start over. In that way, said Solzhenitsyn, we differ from all animals. It is not our capacity to think that makes us different, but our capacity to repent, and to forgive."
"Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business. Not to forgive is to yield oneself to another's control...to be locked into a sequence of act and response, of outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always. The present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past. Forgiveness frees the forgiver. It extracts the forgiver from someone else's nightmare."
In case you do not know, but in my case I have the pleasure of seeing the OM at least twice a week in a social setting since we are all members of the same club. The OM's wife is not a member so that makes it even odder in a way.
Anyhow, I do stare at him and as my W says my radar is on, and I do it because I don't trust him and I don't like him.
Since it is affecting me, and I cannot just ignore it I decided to take the bull by the horn so to speak and I am meeting him tonight at the club. He said we can probably find a quiet corner to talk. I have no idea what I will say, or anything but we shall see.
Any suggestions or ideas, and I will keep you posted.
I have had a few good days at home, detaching and just keeping busy by myself in a way. Also working out again which is truly helpful and good for the body and the mind.
