Saturday night, we went to bed. Out of nowhere he just told me he felt I was abandoning him and just turned the other side and slept.
Sunday was a mess. We went out to check on some business we have together and had to address some business issues. I am not very much myself nowadays and the smallest problem irritates me. Spent the morning and afternoon nagging, not about him, but about the business issues. He did not want to talk and I could see I was bothering him.
In the evening I had a setback. He was holding his Mobile again like there was something to hide. Called him on that, told him it was weird and that he promised he'd trust me not snooping. He got very angry at me. Just threw his phone and said I could snoop all I wanted and he knew I was still investigating his life. I said to him it was not true, that I'd stopped a long time ago. He went on and on about it. I just snapped and took his phone. Checked the web browser in his phone, in front of him just to find out he was accessing a week ago some adult content. He said it was just advertisement he couldn't block and that he was clean, he has been doing nothing wrong. He got even angrier. Found out he's been checking Divorce Busting site too. He did not tell me how he found it out, I guess he's been snooping at me. I forgot to clear the web browser history in our computer for just one day.
He was ready for a fight, said that I nagged him all day long, that he was tired of investigations, that he hated me, that I was competing with him in my suffering and that I did not truly want to work on our marriage.
I just told him I couldn't control whatever he was doing, I didn't want to give him my trust as a gift, he would have to earn it. Said whatever he has been doing in the internet was his problem, that if he had no credibility it was because he would have to live with the consequences of what he did. Told him that from my side I was just concerned if I was living with a person with no values and character, but then THIS WAS MY PROBLEM to address.
He just went to bed early. After a few hours, I just started silently crying in the TV room, then the tears I've been holding since I found about the PA, all came at once. I was not loud at all but he came to check on me. He wanted to hold me but I couldn't let him. He said he checked the DB website and that he was glad if it was something that made me feel better. That I had to trust him he was doing nothing wrong, that he would prove that the adult content was not something he was accessing and that he would not put me through the A situation ever again. That if I did not want to go to bed he would stay in the TV room with me. It was 4 am. I had a job interview the next day in the morning so I got all my strength and went to bed.
He spent the whole next day checking on me. Guess he is concerned I am depressed or something. He was very loving in the evening and I just relaxed as I did not have any stamina for R talks.
Last week, before this all happened and I was confident about the piecing, we passionately ML after I learned he did not have health issues from his A. He was eager about it for quite sometime after we decided to piece. This was new since we had issues in that area too before. I was the sex starved wife.
Had some thoughts in the end of last week about if he was comparing me to OW and analyzing what were the reason for his new high drive. I thought I was successful in neutralizing these thoughts.
Tomorrow we will go for our long holiday trip, don't know what to expect. Promised myself I will not snap again, hope I can keep it up. I just want to rest. This whole process is exhausting. So my goal for this trip is to rest. I need to take some of the stress out of my system so I can have some better tolerance towards day to day difficulties again.
Yes, it is very hard to be in these shoes or I am just a drama queen.
Well, you were way overdue for your crying, so that's good. He didn't walk away from you while you were upset, was concerned, that's wonderful. You both are working through serious issues, and its going to come to a head every once in awhile. I am sorry you are so tired and sad. Its ok to feel this way, I think. Especially where you guys are at the moment. You stood up for yourself and your issues, while also admitting the things you might need to improve.
Goals for trip: relax, sleep, relax some more. Enjoy that you have each other to yourselves and let the vacation happen. HUGS!
Well, I am home to pack for my holiday. Decided to stop the drama and take all the good advice and encouragement you guys gave me and kill the rest of the snakes by burning them in the hot sun and hot sand while I am tanning on the beach.
Since I won't be here for a while unless I need some good sense back to my sun burned brain, I wish you all a great week and hope to get back to some good news.
I am back from my mini vacation. All went well. It was like knowing each other all over again. Some nice moments, some awkward moments, but we started to reconnect.
I found out it is a slow process, that one to recover the "love feeling". He is trying to bring back the good memories from the beginning of the relationship and I am feeling like taking more risks on showing affection.
