And so it begins...

[LostInMN]

Hi all, my first visit down to this part of the forum. This is Day One, left my wife and daughter crying together this morning as I get out of the house in an attempt to offer our daughter an atmosphere with less anger and arguing on a daily basis. I don't know what I want to say, or where I'm this is going to go, but 5 hours ago I was standing in my daughters bedroom hugging my wife and daughter and now I don't know when the next time I'll see them or our home again.

How do you get through the day? How do you get to sleep at night?

[SteveInTN]

Lost,

Do you have a place to stay or did you just "leave"? Ideally it should have been something that you explained to your D7 before hand, and then implemented later. That way they don't have the trauma of a parent just up and leaving.

Now you need to develop a plan of custody with your wife so that you can spend time with D7. Even if it is only ever 2nd weekend, make sure that there is a set schedule when both you and D7 know that you'll be able to spend time with one another.

Beyond that... if the fighting at home was bad enough then you ought to initially enjoy the respite. Enjoy the time to just sit and relax without have to walk on egg shells or get po'ed just by looking at someone. You'll have to GAL for sure now when you are away as you'll need that to fill the void left by your family & home. Sleep? It will come, you just have to find peace within yourself.

Just know that not wanting to subject a D7 to constant fighting between parents can be good. Let that help move your towards peace.

[LostInMN]

Steve,

I don't have a "place" as of now, but can be indoors, which is good since it's the middle of November in Minnesota and temps will be in the 20's at night. Daughter and I spent some quality time together Sat morning, she went with me to check out a health club, one that she's went to yearly for swimming lessons, then we went out for lunch. We talked about how mom and dad argued sometimes and that we didn't want to be doing it around her, we'd talked Friday night that dad would be moving out at some point down the road, I made it a little more clear Sat am that it wouldn't be too long, but didn't actually say Sunday.

We have been discussing custody concerns, my business is 45 minutes away from daughters school and the house. (My old house) We don't want to juggle her around three days here then four days there, it's tough for me to get her picked up at 5 from after school care when I work till 5, neither mom nor I want to do every weekend, we'll need to have some time as a single adult to go out on weekends, so even though I want her more than every other weekend we don't know yet how to make that work. We are trying to figure something out though.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like there are knock-down drag-outs at home every night, but we very seldom argued before, and if we did always tried to do it behind closed doors. Lately it seems that things are so close to the surface that a comment can lead to a snap can lead to arguing in 4 seconds and sometimes we don't catch ourselves before we realize what we're doing with daughter right there. It was never physical, just words, but I always felt bad that our daughter saw her parents behaving that way. I don't want her to think that it is an acceptable behavior. Hence I left, not only for my daughters mental health but mine and my wifes as well.

Lately I've been reading DB or DR in bed until the 2nd or 3rd time I doze off trying to read, then putting my marker a couple pages earlier so I reread what I was sleep-reading through.

[Dom R]

Lost:

seems like you've been reading the books, but havent been getting the right stuff out of it.

Moving out, is about the worst thing you can do

PS; in your sig, you might update it to be clearer on who filed, and who moved out.

[LostInMN]

Dom, I've read a lot of your posts here and know you've seen your share. I do feel I've been getting a lot out of the books, but don't believe there is a "right" way for every situation, each one needs to be dealt with on its' own merits. I've done what I thought was best for my daughter, who is the least equipped to handle what is going on with her parents right now. I talked to her school counselor today and she'll be talking to daughter tomorrow, will call me back to report on how she feels with a third party asking about her feelings since she didn't want to talk much about it to my wife or I.

Sig should be much clearer now, thanks for noticing the lack of info.

[Dom R]

There isnt "one right way, that works for EVERY situation".
however, moving out, is almost always the wrong way.

You said you moved out,
"in an attempt to offer our daughter an atmosphere with less anger and arguing on a daily basis. "

But you have control over that already.

you have 100% control, over whether there is anger and arguing between your wife and yourself.

it takes two people to have "an argument".
Wost comes to wost: All you have to do, is keep your mouth closed.

It's tough to do. it takes self control. but it IS an option, if you choose it.

Right now, it's close enough to when you moved out, for you to change your mind.
Your daugher needs you with her. every day.

Reguardless of whether you condone what your wife is doing, you are depriving your daughter of your presence, of your own choice.

of your own choice.

When you live in the same house, your daughter always has the ability to come to you, when she wants to be with you.
When you live apart, she does not.
Yuu are depriving her of her choice to be with you when she wants to.

I suggest you re-think your decision to move out.

Are you really saying, that you are incapable of controlling your own mouth and actions?


When and if your wife forces you to live separately... that then becomes HER choice.
But until you are served with papers, and court orders to do otherwise... you are abandoning time with your daughter, out of your own choice.

Plus, in her mind, you are "the one that left the family" now.

[Dom R]

hmm. just read this other post you made to steve:

....
Lately it seems that things are so close to the surface that a comment can lead to a snap can lead to arguing in 4 seconds and sometimes we don't catch ourselves before we realize what we're doing with daughter right there. It was never physical, just words, but I always felt bad that our daughter saw her parents behaving that way. I don't want her to think that it is an acceptable behavior.

But walking out on your family, IS acceptable behaviour?

again... I suggest to you that you re-examine what you are really teaching your daughter, by your actions.

Do you want to teach your daughter, "when the going gets tough.. the tough get going.. right out the door",
Or do you want to teach her the value of controlling your own tongue?

[LostInMN]

..

[Dom R]

I went back and read some of your very first posts, Lost:

I went to bed and read the first 60 pages of DB again. I can see that the salvation for our marriage is right there in black and white, but also know that she will not read it.

DBing isnt about, "If I could only get my spouse to read DB and change, then our marriage would be great!"

DBing is about, "If I change myself, then one way or another, the relationship between my spouse, and myself, will change".

[it may not change exactly the way you want it. but it "takes two to tango". The book goes into more detail about this]




Please think carefully about what I've said;
Based on what you have written, in this thread, and in your prior threads... 90% of the issues you have in your marriage, seem to stem from yourself, and your lack of control over yourself.

Your alchoholism is just one area in which you have not controlled yourself in the past.
You have decided to accept responsability, and excert control over yourself in that area. That's great!

Long term, you will see some amount of change in attitude from your wife, if you stick to it. Judging by others' stories in similar situations, it will take months for her to possibly believe you are serious about it.

What will make her believe it more readily, is if you also control yourself in other areas. Such as what I have suggested to you, above.

[LostInMN]

Hi Dom,

You've got it pegged. I'd called home to say goodnight to my daughter and logged on here as we talked for a couple minutes, I had replied to your post about being there for her instead of walking out. I decided that I needed to get my ass back home, called my wife back, she was not happy with the idea, mostly because of the confusion it could cause with our daughter. I said screw it and drove home anyway. only to have her break down and tell me that the reason she can't stay with me is that I have no control of my compulsive/addictive personality. I don't do very well at controlling me, and have seemed to always have something going that I nearly obsess over, be it a hobby, a task or what have you. I can see that drinking was just one of those things and may explain why I haven't been experiencing the cravings so often associated with stopping drinking; I've replaced it with extreme dieting/exercise/walking/calorie counting. I think I'm beginning to see some light. Thank You Dom.

And Thank You to Bec if she somehow reads this. I'm going to try and get better.

Thank you.