This weekend was a really good weekened. We spent a couple of nights just hanging out together and enjoying each other. Small things start to mean so much during this process, and I am enjoying the smiles, the occasional sweet word, and the unsolicited touches. Even more than the ML, these signs signify some normalcy has returned to my life. However, I am trying to remain vigilant b/c I know that tomorrow I could wake up and find him cold and distant again (does that worry ever go away???).
I also wanted to say that my approach to DBing was a bit different b/c my husband felt unloved and neglected (not that he ever would have used those words). Because of that, I had to be very careful about retreating too much. I did give space (no R talks, no interrogations about wherabouts, no sexual aggression), but I also let him feel loved (acts of service, words of affirmation). It is a tricky balance, and I know that I fell to the side of too "lovey" a few times, but I really think this renewed interest in him as a man and as a lover has helped immensely.
Hey, girl, don't know if "that worry every goes away" or not. I could ask the same question!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'm glad you were able to have a good weekend together...it's great that you are appreciating the small things. I think that as time passes with you both walking forward in a positive way the worry will lessen...but it's likely there will be stumbles between here and there. You're doing great!
The Thanksgiving break was awesome. We started off by going to church on Sunday, which is something I enjoy, but I don't like to push my H to go more than he cares to (about 1x month). Despite the rowdy kids (ours:), it was fun and we had brunch at a local restaurant.
The whole week was filled with family activities, such as going to the park, working in the yard, hanging out in the family room, and playing with the kids. I was worried, at first, that a whole week in the house with the kids would drive H insane (his impatience with the kids was a "sign" that I ignored pre-crisis, and it really reached its height during the crisis period, with him having very little fun interaction with them, just yelling), but he was so wonderful and patient with the kids; we all really had a blast.
He was also increasingly affectionate and playful with me. Still no R talks and still no ILYs, but I am content that the week was practically stress-free, we MLd a couple of times, and H made a true effort to accomodate me when I expressed a need/desire that I had. Previously, I have been reluctant to express needs, and I often would deflect onto another event (e.g. H would not thank me for the supper, and I would later get mad for a trifle). Now I really try to say "You know, normally I would ignore this and let it bother me and mutate into something else, but I am going to tell you so that I can be honest about what I am feeling with you." The first time, I was terrified lest I come off as pushing or pursuing, but H has really responded to my being straightforward.
I am worried that the holiday magic will disappear now that we are back to the normal work routine today, but I am going to "as if" my butt off when I arrive today to see if I can keep it going;)
I have resisted the temptation to status check, and I am pretty happy that I have. Things continue to improve, and the periods of alien "weirdness" are fewer and farther in between, while the nice and affectionate H is definitely making more and more appearances.
Even though I said quite a while ago that I was fine with him talking to his friend on the phone and that I was not a jealous person and was not going to let those sentiments take over my life, he has since stopped carrying his phone around. It was welded to his side during the crisis time, and he now leaves it out all the time, and lately he has made excuses to show it to me. I don't know if this is his way of saying that he has decided to cool it on calling his friend or not. To me, it really does not matter because I really did decide to believe him when he said that on his side the relationship was never more than a friendship, but he has never denied that on her side it was more (and I don't doubt that receiving that attention was very enjoyable and ego-boosting).
For this weekend, I have GAL and PMA on the planner. Go to art lesson tonight, meet with a colleague on the weekend, play with the kids, and especially be so sexy and irresistable that H will be exhausted but happy at work on Monday;)
You go girl! I hope your weekend plans go smoothly.
He seems to be trying to show you that he's no longer hiding the phone stuff from you. Though it might not be your biggest fret, that's a pretty big step on his part in hopes of restoring trust...definitely not sweeping it under the rug, my friend.
Just journaling today; coming on the site really helps me keep all of this at the front of my mind, and for me, that has been key. I have a tendency to let things slide if I do not prioritize them, so my Dbing and M have become central parts of my daily life (even little things like my voicemail code or my login are linked to my H so that I find myself thinking about him and maybe sending him a little note or message when I would have been WORK WORK WORK in the past).
The weekend was good. H was a bit under the weather, so not as much ML as I had hoped although he did feel better on Sunday night to save that part of the weekend before the bell:) I have found that my "new" routines of always being groomed and nicely dressed have really revved up my own SD. There is something about being shaved, waxed, lotioned, and combed that makes you feel "perfect" even when you are not (Also gives H a chance to "admire" my bikini wax: sorry too much information__blush). I have even declared (to myself) that life is too short to wear ugly PJS. I have done away with the flannel and always go to bed in a beautiful nightie. Seems to be working. Keep at it.
The phone continues to be out and set to ring out loud, so I continue to view this as a sign of "nothing to hide."
All of this just seems so weird in a way. In August, he ILYBINILWY. In September, he is the coldest and most distant H on earth with no care for me or my needs and no interest in physical contact, just a cold fish peck in the morning. In October, he starts to thaw and we talk more easily, go out on a couple of "dates," and we restart ML. By November, much of our relationship is "back on track," even better than before because I am being honest about my feelings and needs (I was a horrible "deflecter" before and got upset about stupid things because I had not gotten upset about the real things that were bothering me). He, too, is voicing his ideas more, something he had trouble with before, and he is saying now how much he likes and notices my "changes." In some ways, if not for the absence of the ILY, things would seem normal. I do not want to complain b/c as I know from regularly checking on the newcomers board, I am in an enviable place to many, but it is like living in "Bizarro" world sometimes, where things are an inverted version of reality. Sigh. Will things ever really be normal again? Will I know that my divorce is busted?
Some Goals:
Some company is coming this weekend, so I am excited about that. H is such a social animal, and he loves to be a good host. I will work to be a great hostess.
Also, I feel that I am sometimes not pulling my weight with the kids sometimes. Things that bother H just don't bother me (crying, messy eating, etc...), but I need to remember that they really count for him, and I need to pitch in and nip these in the bud so that they don't escalate into sitches that really drive him off the deep end emotionally and make him feel like the patients are running our asylum.
A little down today. H was a little down last night, and I am still not good at just letting him have an off day without worrying that it could be the start of a backslide. I have to remember that everyone has a day when they feel tired and stressed and are not as happy as usual. Today, I need to focus on PMA and as if and get back to a good place to make the most of the weekend.
This weekend was incredible, the kind of incredible that almost makes me not want to write about it for fear that it was not real. Everything was great with the company that came: the house looked great, the kids behaved, the food was delicious, and the conversation was pleasant. One guest, an old friend of the family, spoke with us a lot and complimented me so much to my husband, noting many of the things that I have been working on. As people have said before, it is much more meaningful for the WAS to hear these things from a third party than from the LBS. H was so wonderful, full of touches and kindness (my Love Langauges are Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, so I was in heaven). He even said ILY!!! The first time, I thought that it might have slipped out, so I decided to wait and see if he said it again. He did. After all the suffering and hard work of real emotional growth, I so hope that I am turning the corner here to a really new relationship.
Goals
Keep H's love tank full to the brim Make the holidays special for the kids Take time and a bit of money for some GAL activities
I know that we are our own worst enemies throughout this process, but I think that the desire to self-sabotage is especially strong when things are looking up. I am not sure if it is the drain of the crisis and the impossibly difficult work of DBing, but after things start to turn better, I feel that I look for opportunities to mess things up (part of this relates to my own past issues about what I deserve). That is, just when I seem to be turning the corner, I get the desire to snoop or to look for "signs" of trouble or act pouty and needy.
For example, on the heels of the past weekend and all of its wonderful "honeymoonesque" behavior, the beginning of this weekend was kind of a letdown. H is tired and a bit under the weather, and he was not as affectionate, and he was a little bit sharp with the kids. Since I did something completely boneheaded and very like my former pre-180 self on Tuesday, I kept thinking, "He's changed his mind. He realizes that this is a mistake." Even though I knew that it did not make sense, my thoughts were geared to destroy my PMA. However, I decided that I need to be in control and not let this carry me. Yesterday, even though I was fighting those feelings, I "as if"ed and enjoyed some PMA activities with the kids, cleaned the house, and did a special act of service for H. When H and I spoke, I was full of sunshine and light. When H came home last night, he was especially tired and again a little short with the kids, but I decided to stick with the course of action, and I listened attentively to him about his day (a failing of mine in the past), talked animatedly about my own day, and tried to keep the normal chaos to a minimum. Late that night, after the kids were asleep, H was involved in a task and periodically asking my opinion. Suddenly, he stood up and walked toward where I was sitting to grab something (or so I thought). Instead, he embraced me and kissed me in a very loving way, and the night went on from there. It made me understand that my perception of H's moods is not always correct, and that I need to back off the negativity and not try to sabotage myself by exploding, nagging, or digging at the least sign of an off day. Sometimes, you just have to let it be.
